Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[WillThereBeCake]

Oh yeah, that is why it is so hard a call to make. I guess for me, despite having a large biological family, I'd felt alone for a very long time. They were never the ones I wanted to call if I'd had a bad day. In fact, I often felt like a gazelle, and knew to never let them know my weaknesses, or they would exploit them and go in for the attack. Additionally, with their faulty coping methods, I knew I'd never find new and healthy relationships. I did spend a long time alone, just getting to know myself. Hey, I don't have a lot of close relationships now, but the friends I do have, are healthy and supportive when I do need them. Again, bring on the corndog, but my best friend is now myself - although I suspect the witch talks behind my back sometimes :)

 

[Pencil]

Agree wholeheartedly, and I know that especially in my black mood and fragility right now, they'd go in for the kill. I don't miss my family today, I miss having one good connection with another human being. And, of course, feeling very sorry for myself for having such a toxic family :)

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I understand Pencil, and I went through that too. I guess I just got to the point where I could look at it from the outside. Like seeing a beautiful ice cream cone splattered on the ground. I knew I hadn't dropped it (you didn't break it), and it sure was sad seeing it that way. I wished that ice cream was whole, and that maybe I could even have a taste of a nice whole ice cream cone, but it wasn't to be....and I walked away and bought my own freakin' ice cream cone. I can now have nice, delicious ice cream whenever I want. And, I choose the flavor.

 

[Philippa]

I think we are just hard-wired to go back to what we are familiar with, regardless of how destructive it is...and it is.

I've done both...gone back when I knew I would get hurt more, and disappeared, and chosen to be on my own rather than go back for any more servings of damage sandwich. I like this much better, but it is much harder of course. Some days I don't think I can bear it any more and cannot fathom never seeing them again, not going to their funerals or assisting if and when they are forced into retirement villages, like I always said I would. I loved them very much once upon a time, and I would have done anything for them. That is a very hard thing to reconcile with.

 

[Pencil]

I think we are just hard-wired to go back to what we are familiar with, regardless of how destructive it is...and it is.

Yes.

That is a very hard thing to reconcile with.

Yes.

When my sister, to whom I was close, died in August last year, I had to see my 2 surviving siblings again. I was struck by how I actively dislike them. I couldn't get away quickly enough. Bleeurrgghh!!!

 

[Philippa]

I felt the same way when I last saw my mother. I had planned to spend a whole week with her, but left after the first night. I caught the train to the airport and slept at the airport after the flight was delayed until the morning. I couldn't spend another moment in that house with her and her crazy shit. She told my brother that she couldn't be bothered with me after that...knowing full well that he'd run and tell me, which he did.

 

[Eleanor]

On the one hand, you have toxic family, but at least 'a place to go to'.
On the other hand, you have lack of toxic family, but you're really on your own.

And as with so many dilemmas there is a third hand. On that hand you get rid of the toxic family and build yourself a healthy one. My older sister (not biological or legal, we just "adopted" her when she was in college or maybe she adopted us. Hard to say.) came from a toxic family. The story she tells people is "I didn't have the good sense to be born into the right family, but at least I had sense enough to recognize them once I'd found them!" She then married a fine man, and has two exceedingly handsome, charming, accomplished, compassionate, and responsible sons. (sorry. bragging. they are quite beyond my concept of wonderful..) So. Accomplishing the third hand is no cake walk, you have to heal yourself, for one thing. But then, the first two hands are not easy or fun and they suck at the end. Admittedly, the third hand is hard to see when you are in the thick of things, so it is worth repeating here where someone "in the thick of things" might see it and aim that direction.

I might also point out that this community is a very nice example of how it IS possible to make healthy human connections. There is a world of difference between online and 3D relationships - but the basic rules are the same. This site is very good practice for figuring out what healthy relationships "look" like, and for practicing being in them.

I wish no one ever had to make the decision to leave a toxic family behind - but that is most certainly where they should be left. You cannot rescue people. You can rescue dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, very very small children. But adults? Nope. If you are in the right circumstances you might be in a position to throw someone a rope - offer them an opportunity to rescue themselves - but it should be done with the knowledge that there is a good chance they won't take it, or will just try to pull you in with them. Both hurt. So we should be cautious about whether we have the stability and resources to offer aid.

I can't say much to recommend the process of grieving - but it seems like it has to be done. Which seems like kind of a design flaw in human beings to me, but then no one asked me.:shifty:

 

[Pencil]

Accomplishing the third hand is no cake walk, you have to heal yourself, for one thing

And this is exactly the Catch-22 where I'm finding myself at the moment.

 

[Eleanor]

Catch-22 - I hear you. But Pencil - you don't have to do it All At Once, or even be finished with the deal to get started with the relationship building part. You just have to find someone else who is, as my H says, "willing to do the work." We broken people find and attract other broken people - that is the (?!?!?) good news. My H is the "ICP" (that means "identified crazy person", a term I made up myself!) in our family, and in truth I am just as crazy as he is/was just my coping mechanisms are more socially acceptable. But at the end of the day we have the same issues (abandonment, isolation, anger, self-care etc.etc.)

Anyone who has suffered long term systematic abuse at the hands of their family needs to adopt some sensible absolute rules about who to screen out of the running for friends (partners, new family etc.) for safety - but it can be done. This site is chock full of people who have done it. You can too.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks for that vote of confidence, but tonight I have no faith. My problem is not keeping the baddies out, it is being so locked inside myself that I can't even have a conversation with anyone. I think it is actually a fairly severe depression. Anyway, I'm fighting off a rather black panicky depression, so it's not a good time to talk about it now. But before my last attempt at therapy I spent 9 years of ZERO social contact. I had contact only when there was no choice, like the pediatrician, cashiers, etc. Literally. I started therapy because I know my isolation is really bad for my daughter. But this has also not worked.

The bottom line is, I hear what you are saying, Eleanor, and I appreciate it, I just feel so completely stuck and unable to get out. But this is horribly off-topic. At least we all agree - get rid of the toxic family! :)

 

[Springer80]

Obligation is top of the range hoover.

I like it Pencil...I've often thought of some of my lot as a bag-less vortex of dust. :)

 

[Pencil]

bag-less vortex of dust.

Now that is state of the art, cutting edge hoover technology!