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cycling again

Theasylumsystem

Confident
So f*cking tired of feeling like shit. I have a good week or month followed by weeks of self-hatred and thoughts that I'd be better off dead. I feel like I'm getting triggered by everything. My service dog just split his nails today and I want to scream about it. He's going to be on bed rest for the next couple of weeks and I just know I can't go places without him. I hate where I'm living right now. this apartment building is so annoying. But I'm stuck here for now. I'm trying to take it day by day but every day just feels shitter than the last. I'm so f*cking sick of being sick. I'm so f*cking exhausted with this f*cking cycle. I know I'm never gonna live a "normal" life and I have to decide if my life is even worth living. It wasn't even something I did to myself. Someone else's f*cking choices got me here. I was a f*cking kid. I was supposed to be f*cking protected and instead, I'm going to be disabled for f*cking ever.

I have a new T again. It's in person this time. I want to trust her but I'm so scared that she is going to invalidate our system. She hasn't yet but I'm so f*cking sick of doctors telling me they can't help me. That I'm too disabled for them. I'm "out of their wheelhouse". I'm so f*cking tired. I thought I was getting better.
 
So f*cking tired of feeling like shit. I have a good week or month followed by weeks of self-hatred and thoughts that I'd be better off dead. I feel like I'm getting triggered by everything. My service dog just split his nails today and I want to scream about it. He's going to be on bed rest for the next couple of weeks and I just know I can't go places without him. I hate where I'm living right now. this apartment building is so annoying. But I'm stuck here for now. I'm trying to take it day by day but every day just feels shitter than the last. I'm so f*cking sick of being sick. I'm so f*cking exhausted with this f*cking cycle. I know I'm never gonna live a "normal" life and I have to decide if my life is even worth living. It wasn't even something I did to myself. Someone else's f*cking choices got me here. I was a f*cking kid. I was supposed to be f*cking protected and instead, I'm going to be disabled for f*cking ever.

I have a new T again. It's in person this time. I want to trust her but I'm so scared that she is going to invalidate our system. She hasn't yet but I'm so f*cking sick of doctors telling me they can't help me. That I'm too disabled for them. I'm "out of their wheelhouse". I'm so f*cking tired. I thought I was getting better.
I don’t have anything terribly insightful to say. When I read your post it sounds like I could have written it. So I guess just know that there is someone else standing beside you going through similar shit and feeling the same way. I’m on here if you ever want to chat
 
I have a new T again. It's in person this time. I want to trust her but I'm so scared that she is going to invalidate our system.
I hope it goes well with your new T.

It’s hard to stay positive on the back of a load of bad experiences. I was fresh off having my parts being told they “weren’t real” when I finally found a T that specialised in complex trauma and dissociation disorders. I was suspicious for a long time! But the good eggs are out there. Don’t give up.
 
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