I've been checking in here for about 3 years now, and found it encouraging to keep trying. I was seeing an air combat controller who has been in for over 20 years. He was everything I hoped for in a man, except able to be present for any length of time. I thought we connected perfectly, but there was always something keeping him from making us public. Two or three weeks would go by where he would not respond to my occasional text. I didn't crowd him. Then I would get all kinds of attention, and then he'd disappear again. No fight, no harsh words, just gone. I put up with this way too long because I loved him, I was willing to support him, and I kept hoping he would acknowledge that we would be great together. He said a lot of things indicating he was considering the future, so I kept hoping. But he got orders and moved away. We still talk every few months, but I have let go. It took me a long time to do that. Its been said a lot on this site about what kind of relationship do you want? Its okay to want someone who is present more often, its okay to want someone who doesn't drink and smoke pot, its okay to want someone who isolates less. They are who they are, and you are who you are. We all say we don't want to change them, but want so badly to help them. But in order to make it work, if you don't want to make him change, then you would have to change. Sometimes the required change is too much, unhealthy for you, and at that point, call it off and move on. You can still love and support him without being romantically involved. I will always support this man if he ever needs it.
I found another man that has PTSD and TBI, but he could not be any more loving and attentive. He has some major moments of depression and anxiety and brain shut-down, but he also has many moments where he is the perfect man for me. I used the lessons that I learned from the last relationship - what exactly would I be signing up for and am I okay with living with this or that for the rest of my life, and maybe it will get better or worse. That's normal for ANY relationship. This one really wants the same kind of relationship I want. And he's letting me help him get help, and he sees my issues and is just as kind and patient with me. I don't think the first one knew what he wanted or what he could handle, and he didn't have the capability to see what I needed or wanted. It wasn't intentional, I don't think it registered with him very much. If it did, he couldn't do it, or didn't want to. And that's okay too, for him, but not what I want in a partner...so it turns out the first one wasn't the perfect one for me. So in the end, how do you actually respond to each other? Is he as good for you as you are for him?
