Relationship Dating A Woman With Ptsd

[Jason111]

Hello all,

I met and fell for a woman with PTSD. Actually we both fell in love rather quickly. We have only been dating for four months, but I have an intense emotional connection and when we are on (which is not now), we are intensely congruent.

The problem is now, due to her bouts of depression/numbing which she has stated, are much shorter since she met me (a few days rather than a few months), I am feeling abused by her irritability and callousnes which seems to arise in response to anxiety, particularly depression. I understand many of the symptoms and have been reading a lot on the subject of PTSD. Two books have been very useful: "Trauma & Recovery" by Judith Herman, M.D. and The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship by Diane England.

I am right now experiencing abuse, neglect and a shutting down of our relationship, from her end. She can sleep pretty much an entire weekend due to depression and historically she has had people who walk on eggshells around her and enabler her to behave this way. She dated a man who was a drug abuser for four years before me and i believe that I am the first emotionally "in touch person" she has been with. That said, I believe am the first real challenge to her in terms of an intimate relationship since the trauma (which was approximately 6 years ago). I am trying to be compassionate and loving, which comes very easy to me in relation to her, but also I am trying to be definitive in terms of my needs and wants. For example, I do not want to tolerate a lack of regard for my feelings and /or a lack of appreciation of my very being etc. It does nothing good to allow such behaviors -
I have seen how she has trampled on those around her that love her and they seemingly do nothing to promote her growth, maturity & autonomy - which is the basis of true recovery.

Can anyone offer support, personal experiences etc. That may lead me to have a better understanding of how to proceed?

I'm at the point right now of saying to her, "I hurt too much, this is hurting me too much and something must change...I believe strongly in our love and our potential, but I can't go on like this..."

Any advice, support is much appreciated!

 

[The Albatross]

Well, I think honesty about the hurtful things you're experiencing... abuse and neglect, is the best policy. Set healthy boundaries for yourself, and make clear what can and can't be acceptable to be in a relationship with you. You sound very kind and epmathetic. I particularly like what you said about growth, maturity & autonomy being the basis of true recovery.

I'm a rather candid person, even in my marital relationship. That's my first choice... that way it is very plain to my spouse what I will and will not tolerate. BTW I am a sufferer. PTSD is no excuse for abusive behavior.

 

[Jason111]

Thank you so much!

I feel you have echoed my internal feelings. I think I need to be strong, firm yet flexible too. But, I also feel that until she gets more help our relationship will not continue to grow. I do not want to be her therapist, though I feel love is inherently therapeutic - I want to be her lover and her support and for her to be mine.

For whatever the reasons, she hasn't gone to her therapist, who she feels very comfortable with, since we started becoming intimate. I spoke with a therapist friend of mine who says that this is somewhat common with some of her patients with PTSD, my friend also said that this is the time therapy would serve her the best. My gf is very open and honest with me in a lot of ways, though pulls away in irritation, anxiety and depression....she seems to recover relatively quickly, like after sleeping a full day and night (is that quick?), and then is apologetic, soft and open with me. The thng that is most troubling to me and feels like abuse is her lashing out and running from the situation when there is a moment of intensity (flight or fight), then she will not answer the phone afterwards, sometimes until the next day....which triggers my own insecurities and fear of being left etc. that I've experienced in past relationships.

She has so many beautiful qualities and I love her so much, but am beginning to feel as though she needs to work on so much else before she is ready for my kind of committed love...I feel very anxious and sad.

<It is not necessary to quote the post directly above your reply. Thanks Amethist>

 

[The Albatross]

I think recognizing your own insecurities and fears... and working on those independently for autonomy would benefit you alot moving forward with any relationship. Especially if you've experienced it in past relationships, maybe this is your time to address it so that you won't cycle through your pattern? You are right about not wanting to be her therapist. Perhaps some calm and kind suggestions about concern for her since she's stopped? I don't know how old you both are... but as a young woman I would try to fill voids or avoid my problems with a love interest. Um... predictably, it didn't really work. I later came to view it as an actual form of avoidance. It delayed therapy for me for decades. I'm a 50 something.

A note of caution, my husband of almost 22 years... fell in love quickly and set his sights on rescuing me. It didn't bode well. He chose a spouse with PTSD, but he had abandonment/neglect issues. It made for a rocky relationship until he realized that my needing to shut down after being stressed, disassociating, or during anxiety or depression... had nothing to do with abandoning him. It has taken a lot more than love to keep our relationship together... some long suffering on both our parts, patience, forgiveness.... I actually did about everything I could do to push him away, because I knew how damaged I was. Because I loved him, I was afraid to marry... it took him 4 1/2 years to wear me down.

Recognize that she was working on her issues before and during your relationship, but stop there. You are her lover, her friend, and her companion... love her as she is but she is NOT a project to be brought up to par. I overheard my mother once many years ago now telling another young woman "Do you like him? Do you love him? Can you live with him? If any is a no or a yes if, or a yes but... don't do it." My jaw dropped and my eyes got wide, I asked her, "Why didn't you ever tell me that you could have saved me from my whole first marriage (a violently abusive relationship)?" She said, "Honey? I'm your mother... you wouldn't have listened to me. SHE might listen, I'm not her mother." Jason? I too, am not your mother.

Relationships are like golf, you got to be willing to play it where it lays... good luck and I hope your girlfriend decides to continue to be in love with you AND go to therapy.

 

[Nicolette]

I think this thread is better suited to the Supporter Relationship section and will move it accordingly as I feel you will get more answers from your perspective which, is what I understand, you are asking.

Good luck with your journey. PTSD is not for the faint-hearted however people suffering from it are beautiful, lovable and worth the effort.

 

[ISupportHer]

I am just going to say what my initial reaction was. I guess I saw the 4 month time frame and I hope you will not let yourself fall into a role of "rescuer" . That sometimes has as much to do with our own insecurities and wanting to be needed.

Welcome and I hope you find help and support here, as I have.

ISH

 

[Jason111]

I am just going to say what my initial reaction was. I guess I saw the 4 month time frame and I hope you will not let yourself fall into a role of "rescuer" . That sometimes has as much to do with our own insecurities and wanting to be needed.

Welcome and I hope you find help and support here, as I have.

ISH

Thank you....I'm very keen on not beginning the relationship as a rescurer or a therapist in any way. Though said, in any relationship we have to be able to give and take. Then main thing for me is to be able to demarcate and draw definite boundaries that set the tone for a healthy, adult relationship - which, to be honest, as far as I can tell she has never had.

I appreciate you pointing out the caveat of becoming a rescurer. Honestly, I love her and not the negative manifestations of the PTSD . I know that if there were no negative symptoms, I'd still love her. I have little need to feel like a rescurer, though I tend to be a nurturer and have a strong ability to help those who need it...
I'm definitely watching this because I'm very aware of things becoming a co-dependent/enabling cycle and that is the beginning of the death / stagnation of one's life blood & energy.

I feel that she needs to see that my needs, which are those of a positive, healthy relationship are intimately linked with her needs towards health and recovery. But, if she cannot or is unable to do the work that she needs to do (and inversely, if I'm not able to do the work I need to do), the relationship will fail.

If we both cannot do what is necessary to at least grow towards health and happiness, then I will sadly have to end things.

Thank you all for your input. It's all very helpful....any other advice is truly welcome!

Jason