Relationship Dating Post Break Up

[caligirl03]

After much contention and after leaving my sufferer a few times, we were finally able to civilly agree to part ways while he works through his issues. We talked a bit about dating others during this time. While he says he doesn't plan to date anyone seriously, which I believe, he has been known to have the occasional physical fling as a salve for his bruised ego (never while we were together).

As somewhat of a reaction to knowing this and also to being treated awfully in the latter half of our relationship, I told him I signed up for an online dating service. Even though I have yet to meet anyone, and it's mostly just a nice confidence boost to hear that guys want to take me out and treat me right, I think he took it as I'm moving on for good, and it devastated him.

Truth be told, I would love to be with him once he makes a sustained effort to get a better handle on things. I told him this yet he is unable to reconcile me saying that with being open to dating others. Maybe I don't even fully understand it. I struggle between wanting to show him unconditional support, especially now that he's finally going to get help, to just being so burnt out.

Also, as backwards as this thought process may be, I know him well, and being the competitive creature he is, the thought of me with others will actually serve to help keep him motivated to push through over just thinking I'll always be around.

Anyway just looking for a little advice in navigating this tricky situation.

 

[Snowflakes]

@caligirl03 Forgive me if this sounds harsh but, if both of you agree to go your separate ways, what does it matter what you do for your future? He may, or may not, remain a friend but you now have a life without him.

Are you breaking up in the hopes he will miss you enough to go to therapy or whatever it is you want him to do before you consider getting back together? You can't change him, he needs to do whatever he is going to do because he wants it, not because you want it.

You asked for advice. Whether he has PTSD is not the issue. The issue is you two have decided to move on. Unless you have children together.....move on and enjoy life.

Please don't think I'm being mean or cold hearted. Any breakup is a loss that needs to be dealt with. Who knows, you may eventually become better friends or even get back together. But I think we sometimes have to live our lives for ourselves in order to decide in the future who to let into our lives. Or who's life we may want to be a part of. Grieve and let go, but do let go.

Take care.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Much like Snowflakes, what concerns me is your motivation for dating. Not the part about wanting to feel attractive, to feel worthy of somebody's time, energy and attention, that makes perfect sense, but the idea that in investing in dating other people it may "wake him up."

Firstly, it is completely unfair to the potential new date to be dragged into any drama concerning you and your obvious continuing affections for your ex, they deserve better than just being somebody to boost another into action.

Secondly, you deserve much better than a man who only care about you when he has competition. Just think about that, if he can only be bothered to make an effort when you're maybe moving on to somebody else is he really worthwhile anyway? I don't care if PTSD creates isolation etc, if he respected you and wanted you enough he'd make it clear he still cares without you needing to prompt it out of him with another person.

Thirdly, don't date people unless you're actually ready to move on, it's no good for you or anybody you meet if you're still so intertwined with your ex partner and not over them yet.

You need to stop feeling guilty about moving on though. Let me tell you my experience, my ex (who I knew for over a decade) just shut down on my completely and went into a PTSD spiral, spending all her time with somebody else who is abusive but also CLEARLY has feelings for her, she pushed me away, she was the one stating she just wanted a friend right now etc.

I don't for one second feel remotely guilty at the idea of moving on, because I owe her nothing (I'm torn about whether I am ready to give up, but I don't for one second think if I did she has any right to lecture me). They can't push you away and cut you out of their life forever and then make you feel bad if you ACTUALLY move on, simple fact, if they didn't push you out, you wouldn't have, you can't just stay celebate forever because it may upset them or make them want to get you back. Sod them, they had their chance, that may sound really, really harsh, but it is reality.

I understand PTSD makes people isolate and push people away, sometimes when they don't even mean it, but if its come to a point you're breaking up, I'm sorry, they lose all right to dictate your love life, and that includes to make you feel guilty for it. You are allowed to move on, and you absolutely have to.