Relationship Dating Someone With Ptsd

[Pippy79]

Ok so I have been dating a vet with PTSD for over a year , I have known him six years , I love him in every way possible. He can be the most caring lovable person at times and be the most selfish at otherS but won't even realize it . We are together every day and I help him with everything. I make all his dinners for the week , laundry , clean , medications etc it's what I love to do is take care of people especially him. He deserves the world , yet he thinks that by not committing or taking the next step is saving me from him , yet the last three months it's destroying
Me , I feel not good enough I feel a little used , and very insecure which are things I usually don't feel about
Myself , I don't know what to do ....... Any help or advice would be great

 

[chicken sammich]

Hi Pippy. Like me, and everyone that has loved and cared for another, you are human. Being a caregiver can be an extremely fulfilling role, but also a draining one. I hope your health is good, both mentally and physically. Have you seen a doctor or professional about how you are feeling? Not knowing exactly your "symptoms" can be a mystery. I encourage you take good care of yourself and take the time to find out what it is that is ailing you and how you can offer yourself the care that you so effortlessly give to your guy. And a pat on the back and a hug is offered as well. And a high five...xo

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that maybe you should take a step back? Does he step up to the plate and show you that he appreciates you in other ways? If you feel used, then my guess is that you aren't getting what you need, even outside of a verbal commitment.

Sometimes people need to SEE what they are missing before they're like "WHOA! What have I done!?!?" I've had this happen to me.....a guy broke things off with me and then many months later reconnected because he felt such a great loss when I was no longer in his life. I'm not saying to play games with him, rather take a step back and maybe that will be a wake up call to him?

Yes, us sufferers think (erroneously) that if we don't commit, there is no "pain". I am NOTORIOUS for doing this. I don't know why I think that no commitment = no pain, but my *lovely* mind seems to think so! The truth is that you can have no commitment whatsoever and still be deeply connected with someone, and when that someone is no longer there, it hurts just as bad.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He deserves the world , yet he thinks that by not committing or taking the next step is saving me from him

Yes, us sufferers think (erroneously) that if we don't commit, there is no "pain".

^^This. I've been with mine for almost three years and we are talking about moving in together... but if the label "girlfriend/boyfriend" comes up he starts to panic and talk like Woody Allen. I had to make the decision to just "let it go." As long as he is monogamous I could care less what the label is. I usually just call him my slampiece. :p

Gotta pick your battles.

 

[Friday]

I usually just call him my slampiece. :p

Gotta pick your battles.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: OMFG... I just about died laughing. Brilliant, by the way.

& A strong 2nd on picking your battles.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Slampiece, man-candy, or old-balls and chain (and yes, the "s" is on purpose), whatever gets an eyeroll out of him. I think he actually appreciates the effort, believe it or not.

 

[Friday]

Me , I feel not good enough I feel a little used , and very insecure which are things I usually don't feel about
Myself , I don't know what to do ....... Any help or advice would be great

Simple solution... Stop doing absolutely anything with an expectation of return.

Not meaning, be a doormat. Meaning: be yourself. You love doing things for people? Do that. But do not do things you otherwise wouldn't. Even in an emergency? Do what you would do in an emergency.

((Case in point: -and I like using examples different from the problem at hand to see the working parts better- I love kids, I love my friends, and I have friends with kids. I am more than happy to babysit gratis in a pinch. However I am not willing to be used as free daycare. And I am not willing to sacrifice more than ABC in order to help out in a pinch. Meaning? If someone is using me as free daycare? I say no. I can only be used with my permission. Ditto, if I'm willing to do ABC anytime, and ABCDEFG in an emergency... But someone is asking me to do ABCD, and it's not an emergency? I say no. I may tell them I'm willing to do ABC. (I may not. They don't have a "right" to ABC, much les A-G. They may ask, but it's my right to agree, disagree, determine how much I'm willing to do, etc.). If it's an emergency and someone is asking me to do ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP? Ditto. Boundaries, how I effing love boundaries :D ))

There's a synergy when 2 people love each other. Not an equality, not tit for tat (I did this for you, so you have to do that for me), but 1+1=3. The sum is equal to more than the whole of its parts.

This only works when both people are putting the other person ahead of themselves.

Again, I'm not talking doormat, codependent, not taking care of your own needs to martyrishly sacrifice for the other person. Also, again, I'm not talking equality. I have never yet met the couple that is equal in all ways at all times. People are different, and have different strengths and weaknesses.

If you're feeling resentful? Like you're being used? Couple possibilities there: You may be being used, or you may not. But you are definitely crossing your own boundaries. Overextending. IME, that's usually in expectation of return. Might not be, but the tell, is to simply stop. Only do what you're willing to do without a return. If he wants more? Negotiate it. Explain the return you need, & see if that's something he's willing (or thrilled, even) to do.