"day"mares ... Emotional Flashbacks Or Dissociation?

[Kimpersonal]

When I have a nightmare that is macabre, gross and leads to my death/disembodiment I can tell myself it isn't real ... these are not memories but I think excercises in becoming numb/desensitized to horror/trauma.

But what about when these images "pop" into my brain like a flashback? Again, these are not memories surfacing ... but grotesque images of self-harm or harm from others. I have noticed these occur when I am highly stressed/anxious for any number of reasons. They are frightening to say the least ... but afterwards when the images subside ... I feel calmer.

Can anyone tell me what this is about? Or if any of you have experienced this? It is as if my mind has taken over the role of an abuser ... whipping me with punishments for who knows what I did this time to deserve them.

I should call Stephen King and give him some new imaginings to bring to life in novels/movies for those who like the "thrill" of pain and fear. :eek::ninja:

Any replies will be appreciated.
Kimpersonal

 

[Meadowsweet]

Well I can't tell you what its about, but I was thinking about it just yesterday.

I used to enjoy walking in the countryside. But now its something that causes me enough anxiety to put me off doing it. Part of this is due to images coming into my mind. Usually of big angry dogs leaping out with teeth bared and attacking me.

But yesterday I forced myself out for a walk, and was trying to deal with it.

I've never been attacked by dogs, so the images aren't direct memory. So I figured that the attacking dog is more like a representation of the attacking person.

But logically, I know I'm much more likely to come across dogs than my attacker in the middle of the countryside. So when I got dog images in my mind, I tried to recall the face of an angry attacker, to remind myself that rationally I'm not likely to be attacked.

 

[wife of]

You might want to seek some help from a therapist with this. Hubby has this type of dissociation regularly and has now twice "acted out" the scenario of trying to saw his hand off.

 

[Red Feather]

Is it dissociation then? I have similar images all the time too. I think I've gotten so used to it, I never thought it was abnormal. Just my imagination acting up.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know much about it.

But, I don't think seeing images necessarily leads to the extreme end of dissociation.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Thank you all for your feedback.

I don't like that others go through this ... yet glad I'm not alone at the same time.

It is so odd to me that I click "like" on others' posts ... when the content itself is not likeable?

Just know that I find y'all likeable ... and wish we all had happier things to discuss. I suppose there are other forums for superficial chit-chat though, right?

 

[712xx]

Dissociation is a big part of my short-term memory problems. I have a well practed method of redistributing my focus onto what I am 'doing' next verses keeping in mind what I am doing now and had been doing a few minutes prior. This is especially true when it involves emotional triggers. I associate so many things visually to other things (positive visuals can become negative visuals by association), so, I've taken to not really 'seeing' and focus on my other senses which with practice have become stronger ... and thus have more power as triggers now than they did back then.

It has all come down to 'processing' issues. I have used avoiding behaviors far too long, and it has disabled me to the point I can avoid anything; but I don't avoid on purpose -- it is instinct. My T's in the past have focused on my outward behavior. I was being good and progressing (thus rewarded) if I was doing as I was told; forget how I was feeling, because that didn't matter at the time or in that moment. I was programmed to ignore my feelings and be a good girl and do as others were doing. Blend and conform.

I did as I was told, and I can control my behavior. Now what? That is what I was always waiting on. When is this going to help me? It never did. I dissociate when I leave one thing to do another -- it is the between times, between tasks, that my mind goes blank (or somewhere else); walking or driving or any kind of traveling I'm inside myself not paying attention or 'recording' what I'm doing or where I'm going. I have to have a physical thing to hold on to in order to keep my mind remembering from thing to thing.

It is exhausting. I am doing this alone (I do know others in the world have these issues), but I am physically alone. I try to keep up. It is all about keeping up with everything, like willing my mind to be a computer rather than my own human/animal/organic self. I punish myself if I fall behind, or forget to do something important; sometimes I self-destruct completely. I've tried hard to re-construct, but it isn't really taking hold this time around. I've acknowleged I need help; there just isn't anyone here who can.

I gave up and was relieved. I feel like I'm most comfortable laying on rock bottom. I've climbed higher than I thought I could, but my deep seated beliefs tell me I don't belong up there; and maybe I allow myself to be knocked down because I don't know how to self-sustain success. I don't have the resources or proper tools to stay up there.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you 712. I can totally relate to a lot of what you write here. It still baffles me to realize it is a symptom of my trauma. I have blanking out for years and didn't put the two together.

 

[Jen93]

I think I get it too. It's really weird. I'll be just watching someone I dislike, and I'll imagine me choking them or stabbing them in the back with a knife--- and it's so frightening because I'm usually all "happy and revengey" looking when I watch my facial expression on the imaginary me as the imaginary me is doing it. It really scares me. It's horrifying, and I really hope it doesn't mean I'll actually do this to someone, because that would be horrible for me. It's not a flashback, but it will appear like a flashback and I think I'm crazy.

That brings on emotional flashbacks which leave me feeling horrible for days afterwards.

I've told my T, but all she said was, "Change your behaviours, change your thoughts, change your feelings." and left it at that.

 

[Kimpersonal]

I am looking back through these replies and find it interesting, to say the least. It seems some of us project the images/emotions onto self ... some onto others? Maybe we do some of both? What is the variable that causes this difference in our "day"mares? Scratching my head ... rubbing my chin like Freud probably did. Penis envy? Gimme a break, Dude!

Jen93, there is a term called "re-write" where we handle a situation in our minds (like with abusers or people that give us that "vibe") and take it to the conclusion that helps us to feel empowered or like we've found resolution for our past abuse ....to even the score in a sense. I would bet that some risk-taking behaviors we exhibit may also be an attempt to re-write history and bring a new conclusion to an old problem ... as if we are practicing for the next time a violent person crosses our path??? This may be part of why abused children often find abusive partners later on. I just want to recommend that you try to remain safe in the real world ... even if behaving unsafe/vengeful during your "flashes" and/or dissociations is bringing you a grin of satisfaction. ;)

712xx, I can relate to the behavior of going from one task to another while my mind is in "hindsight" or in "foresight" to the chain of tasks I am undertaking. I agree to the exhaustion of not really living in the present ... but being on a constant "auto-pilot". The job that suited me, given this tendency, was as a courier delivering useless/important "stuff" around the downtown core of my city. 10 hours a day on "auto-pilot"!!! I became a good girl/ work-aholic robot achieving some "impossible" quotas. If I missed my goals ... like you I want to punish myself. Shame is an intense emotion to process! If I had the answer to switch this off for you and me (and others), I would share it for no charge!!! :) Until then, I'm comfortable with "giving up" on trying to achieve/overachieve. Who were we trying to impress? I like you as you are.

Nadia, the blanking out sorta offsets the stress, doesn't it? Like a reprieve? Yet the activity of life hasn't quit and the fatigue catches up anyway ... it sucks!

Now? I am disabled by the toll this has taken on me physically/mentally/emotionally. I sit on my duff reading ... exposing myself to all of the "crap" I was in avoidance of. My flashbacks are more often the "real memories" as opposed to other visuals that likely occur when I am avoiding the repeat of an actual event(s) from childhood. I am in isolation to limit added stimuli beyond what I allow myself to face ... I will stare my fears in the eyes on MY schedule now! (As much as I can, at least).

 

[712xx]

Jen93, there is a term called "re-write" where we handle a situation in our minds (like with abusers or people that give us that "vibe") and take it to the conclusion that helps us to feel empowered or like we've found resolution for our past abuse ....to even the score in a sense. I would bet that some risk-taking behaviors we exhibit may also be an attempt to re-write history and bring a new conclusion to an old problem ... as if we are practicing for the next time a violent person crosses our path??? This may be part of why abused children often find abusive partners later on. I just want to recommend that you try to remain safe in the real world ... even if behaving unsafe/vengeful during your "flashes" and/or dissociations is bringing you a grin of satisfaction. ;)

I was talking about something similar on this thread below -- maybe it helps add to this idea. ReWrite! I knew it was called something.
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/anyone-sort-of-addicted-to-high-intensity-t-v-programming-like-i-survived-or-crime-investigations.22470/[/DLMURL]

 

[Chincho]

Jen93, there is a term called "re-write" where we handle a situation in our minds (like with abusers or people that give us that "vibe") and take it to the conclusion that helps us to feel empowered or like we've found resolution for our past abuse ....to even the score in a sense.

For so long I thought I was the only person in the world doing this!And it even has a name!

I play some situations over and over, changing the dialogues and the outcomes. I usually do this so I can fall asleep.

I thought it was some kind of crazy daydreaming, but now it makes so much sense...

Thank you Kimpersonal!!!!