Dead Inside

[noodles]

i am new here so this is my first time online for a ptsd forum or anything. i am a combat vet 13 years in the army 3 different wars. i have been diagnosed with ptsd and tbi although i think to see me walking around you wouldnt know it. since leaving active duty in 2006 i have not been able to have a long term relationship and in the last 5 years i have basically given up on haveing a girlfriend in my life. for the most part i casually date now anad again. last november i met someone she is my own age 37 and has a kid. her kid is great and i think she is a amazing woman. acouple weeks back we were supposed to move in together but the ex served her with court papers saying stuff about me in them which i wont go into details about but i told her that i didnt want to be used against her and her son in court. so i decided not to move in and just keep things the same way they have been working since we met. i guess this in no way has sat well with her and today she dumped me. that for some reason doesnt bother me she said a week ago that im in human and unable to feel emotions. all this because i wouldnt lie to her and say that im deeply in love with her. when i went to get my things today it seemed wierd one second she is fine no hard feelings the next its mad at me then its saying im not a man and then its dont go and then im a pice of shit. i know i have problems and i explained all this. lately i have been thinking i might not ever be able to have an emotional attachment and i dred the idea of spending the rest of my life alone so basically what do i do thank you for reading

 

[BlueDream]

I am really sorry that she said such hateful things to you. If she is not supporting you with your PTSD it is probably an unhealthy place for you to be anyways.
I hope you find this forum to be helpful, there is some great info!! Welcome!!

 

[Seasounds]

Hello, glad you ar here. I'm sorry that you are going through hard times.

From what you've written, you are a gem, to be treated with kindness, and appreciation! You were smart, to not let someone drag you in the middle.

I, too don't know about the viability of relationships for me; but I do know the more I heal, do therapy, etc, the greater the possibility I will be able to have a healthier relationship.

You are not to blame. You are a fine human being, always learning. Hope you can enjoy some parts of your day.

 

[Friday]

It took me years to get my emotions "back" ... And to do so I had to drop through some pretty cold rage / hot rage to do so. Every time, in fact, it's like a cloud bank of anger I have to drop through before I get to the rest of them... As it's all clear & sunny above, and a stormy mess down below, why they hell would I want to? Especially when anger is the only thing I'm gonna be feeling... For awhile.

It kept me cruising high alt. for a very long time. I'd want to feel something again, drop down, say f*ck this and pop back up. <chuckling> Almost like skipping stones. Until one day I just did it. Sank like a stone. Was angry as f*ck for a good long while. Gradually learned to control that... & gradually started feeling things other than anger. Some good. Some bad. Most messy.

Worth it? Yeah. Love's worth it. & pride. & fierce determination. & laughter. Wonder, awe, mischief, joy, delight, delicious (like lust but different), warm glowing satisfaction, curiosity, happiness, hunger/drive, sly-sneaky-coy, anticipation, solid, safety, sexy, surprised (the good kind, although I hate most kinds flat out, there're good surprises, too.), clear, light... There's this whole wealth and depth to good feelings that sometimes make the f*cked up ones worth it.

Regret, remorse, despair, grief, sadness, shame... I don't handle these ones so hot. And, depending what day it is? I may rather be sans-emotions than neck deep in these SOBs. Anxiety, loneliness, & anger suck, too, but I've got a better grip on them. Usually.

Sigh. Emotions are complicated. Worth it, IMO, but complicated.

SemperFi.

 

[WorkingItOut]

i am new here so this is my first time online for a ptsd forum or anything. i am a combat vet 13 years i...

So from the confused & hurt woman on the other side obviously going through some tough stuff herself, there are no easy emotions.
As someone balancing a crazy ex & a heart full of feelings for someone who has none there are many emotions below the surface.
I've missed the same guy for years, neither of us have ever dated, I'm with the too much stuff for anyone else, he with the served in most conflicts & numbed out so often the switch is stuck.
I thought keeping in contact & letting him know someone cared, he was loved by someone, yet after he recently made huge steps to see if we could take it further after years of interesting phone & texting, it went to crap.
We laughed, we seemed to be having a great time, I can't remember all those feel good chemicals ever arriving at the same time, the numbing & disconnecting came up & the switch engaged & he was gone :( I was so hurt for both of us & reacted, my head says 'stuff this too hard' my emotions are going crazy & my heart could easily jump out of my chest & slap him, I think it did.
He only told me he felt nothing & as someone with enough for two, it hurt to hear it even knowing it.
He was honest & yet I hear about this numbing & I don't fully understand it.
Why keep in contact? Why ask what would I recommend to make it work & I suggest loads of attention in humour & he contacts every morning to wake me up & every night before going to sleep.
He asks why did I keep contacting & I can only say because my head doesn't have control & when it does I too self protect & disconnect.
Why do we get upset?

Because it feels like us, we are the issue. We have our own stuff & when you numb you are not sensitive to that.

Because even hearing 'I can't give you what you want, just let go' I hear 'your not what he wants' then with an instinctive analytical brain, think was it my aging body? Was it my jokes? Was it something else? We have feelings & the responses will always be different.

So if there is no emotion & you've just told a woman to let you go, but if you feel nothing why care at all? You tell her, you feel nothing for her & being with her is liking taking advantage of her & Yet while she contacts you reply & kept it going? Why bother at all, if there are NO feelings, how do these relationships even get off the ground.. you drive her to work in that 'wow how did we get here silence' & she does what you ask tries to go & you stand in front & pull her close & hug her like you'll never see her again, why do that if there are no feelings? Why disrupt her life & call & try some experiment to see if you have feelings when you know she does?

Still raw & still hurting, takes time, just like numbing.

Maybe it's being so good at being controlled & organised & keeping everyone safe, that wall you build she managed to get past the radar & it's screwed with your system, you can't tell if she is a threat or not, any conflict, too deep questions, even her challenging you, what would you normally do? Take cover? What does your system say? F@""" this, get the wall up?

So it's now her, & will be all the rest, they can't get past the wall & you set them all up to fail.

I was told right at the beginning 'I have this big wall & will take a hell of a person to get past it' I'm a hell of a woman & love this guy so didn't see any challenge, being told to 'let me go' is like walking away why someone you care about hurts themselves.

So I have & it's hard as he searches for answers & goes through it alone, it's just very hard :(

 

[Shallot03]

It took me years to get my emotions "back" ... And to do so I had to drop through some pretty cold rage /...

What advise would you give someone who has fallen in love with you on those bad days when you don't feel like dealing with them?

 

[Deleted member 39414]

So from the confused & hurt woman on the other side obviously going through some tough stuff hersel...

@noodles I am also confused and hurt and today I hit my limit. That switch has been stuck since the last week in December. He replies when I text or call but never initiates. Says he's going to call but forgets and sends a late night saying sorry I didn't call. Today I couldn't function so I wrote him and said I needed to get past my paralysis. I blocked his number so I don't keep looking for a message from him. I need to heal. This has been a nightmare. Send in the puppies! I look forward to feeling happy again. I used to wake up feeling so blessed and grateful. Meeting him 16 months ago was a dream. Now it'S a nightmare. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Tricia74]

I think I'm gonna be alone forever . I've been abused since I was a little girl . Sexual , physical , emotional . I'm afraid of everything , even my own shadow . I can't feel love anymore from a man . I can from God, my kids and friends , and that's it . Men have almost destroyed me from so much abuse . I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread at times and to give out anymore of me would be certain death . I know being alone is lonely at times , but it's safe . I wish those things never happened to me . But they did and it changed me . It took away my ability to trust a man at all . And I can't stop it . I spend my life hiding from the monster inside my head . I am
42 and have had PTSD since 20 ( well diagnosed anyways ) after my daughters dad tried to kill me . My mom tried to kill me and so did 2 other exs . I'm not a bad or mean person . I was just vulnerable and I trusted . I hate what ptsd has done to me . I've never done drugs and I have never taken meds . I hate that I have too many phobias to count . Sure I deal with the symptoms . But it scarred me for life . There is no cure and being sexually abused will scar me for life . I don't know how to feel real intimacy or let anyone in . I hide from everyone and it's sad . What kind of life is it really ? To be so traumatized that you just exist and not feel . If you do feel any emotion , its fear ...

 

[Gamera3000]

I'm still pretty new here, so I feel like I shouldn't be giving people advice, but your post reminded me of how my niece was speaking after a traumatic event, which in turn had reminded me how I reacted to some things. With us, it was emotional and then sexual abuse, which may seem pretty different from combat, but just give it a listen. This is what I told my niece.

Sometimes when something terrible starts to happen, something in you recognizes that you're about to get hurt (again) and it just shuts off the breaker so that you can function. You aren't able to emotionally (or often physically) feel for awhile, but you can get your business done. This is a terrible gift. It helps us to survive where others don't. But we can't decide when to not turn off the breaker. Or when to turn it back on again. That thing in us decides when it's okay to feel. It might be when we're at the grocery store, or watching TV, or mowing the grass, or something else where we would rather not have intense thoughts or feelings. It might be years later. Who knows. People without PTSD cannot truly understand this and we cannot expect them to. We wouldn't want them to REALLY get it, right? It's awful.

What I do is practice What Would A Normal Person Do? I tell myself that my thoughts and feelings can't hurt other people, but my actions can. I can control my actions. So let your intelligence take over. Does this lady have your values? Does she suit your lifestyle? Have similar interests? Maybe you shouldn't get so hung up on your feelings and look at the rest of it. Let her sort her court business out and then move forward cautiously, but get her to educate herself about PTSD so that she doesn't ask too much of you.