Dealing With An Insensitive Realtor

[KwanYingirl]

I'll see him this afternoon. We can chat about it if I can summon the courage to stick up for myself. Maybe I'm just reading more into it than is there. Thanks for the advice. When I have to confront people about a conflict I usually just fold. I can't tolerate the intensity of conflict.

 

[Justmehere]

Standing up to a pushy sales guy is tough for most people. Then add in having PTSD, it can be extra hard. Conflict in the past might have been really horribly dangerous for you. It was for me. I struggle to handle it well myself now too. Maybe reminding yourself that it's safe now to say no, safe to say this is a problem. In fact, maybe it could be seen more as a chance to solve a problem - advocating for what you need may help you both - you will get to move to a much better place and he will finally get the sale. Perhaps you can ask him what he needs to get the job done. See if he is willing to work it out. If that doesn't work or all else fails, you can always write him a letter afterwards and let him know you need things to change. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

 

[shimmerz]

I still tell people that i have PTSD even though it has not worked out for me. My therapist came up with something last week that worked this week for me quite well. I am trying to integrate back into playing tennis again. I pass out on the court. I thought my only option was to be honest (as that is my belief system). So, what he said was, don't tell the other person what you are feeling (eg your diagnosis) but instead let them know what they will see or understand. Just saying that you would feel unsafe in that parking lot may have been good enough. Otherwise you will be seen as a random card and treated as such.

BTW I had a very similar issue with real estate guys. Walking in on me all the time - so many horrors I won't get into. That is when I realized that PTSD is not something that I will ever mention to professionals. They see it as a good excuse to not fulfill their obligations because they have a scapegoat (my PTSD) and pull the 'she is crazy card' to get out of dealing with their issues.

Best of luck to you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Reading your advice has helped me realize that it's the conflict issue. The not feeling worthy of mattering to him. I rationally know it's a hard market and all. I'll have to be brave and talk to him. Ugh I hate this crap.

 

[StellaBlue]

I'm pretty sure I remember you saying you've done DBT - if so, you might want to use your DEAR MAN skills with him.

As an aside - I want a condo on the ocean in a quaint New England beach town!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I chickened out. Sent him an email and canceled the showing this afternoon. I will read my DBT workbook I don't recall a Dear Man skill. Thanks everyone, I just can't cope with conflict. Off to see my therapist now.

 

[StellaBlue]

D – Describe: First, describe the situation you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E – Express: Then express how you feel using an “I” statement.

A – Assert: Assert yourself and make your request or say no. Remember others cannot read your mind.

R – Reinforce: Reinforce how getting what you want will be of benefit ahead of time, or if necessary, explain the consequences of not getting what you want.

M – (be) Mindful: Stay focused on your objective. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted get off topic, or lose sight of your goal in the conversation. Use the “broken record” technique, and repeat what you want over and over. Ignore if the other person tries to change the subject, makes personal attacks, or tries to distract you.

A – Appear Confident!Maintain eye contact, stand tall, use an assertive tone of voice. Do not stammer, whisper or apologize.

N – Negotiate: Be willing to give to get. Take note that in instances such as this example when setting a boundary, there may not be anything you feel willing to negotiate.

Remember if you cannot come to an agreement, use the technique of turning the tables. Ask for the other person to come up with a solution.

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmmm @StellaBlue I didn't know this. Thank you so much for sharing! Great information. I really like the part about asking the other party to come up with a solution. To me that would allow me to see if they wanted a solution or were juswt **** disturbing. Then I could choose to walk away. @KwanYingirl you didn't chicken out, you just haven't gotten to the solution yet - like you said, you are working on DBT stuff in order to help yourself in this situation. I think that is something other than chickening out. Silly girl! Take some credit! :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had a problem with a bad real estate agent and I requested another agent and was given one. If I was you I would get rid of the guy as soon as possible.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@StellaBlue thank you for that strategy. I hadn't seen it in my DBT workbook nor has my therapist. I will definitely make him aware of it-good stuff.
@shimmerz thank you for the validation@gizmo will do

My therapist found me all over the place unable to complete a thought. I babbled on and on. New plan. I asked him to reschedule the showing at HIS convenience and stated clearly that this is a possible income property that I can will to my children. I have not received a reply and I will give him 48 hours to get a new date. If he blows this, I am going above his head and explain to his boss that I request a female realtor with a minimum of ten years experience in this area. I will describe how is demeanor has become negative after I revealed my disability. It is a matter of personal and emotional safety.

How does that sound? I'm giving him time to respond but I don't like his immaturity and possible stereotyping of my condition. I think switching to a female is what I really need.

I'm going to write a script using StellaBlues DEAR MAN outline. That is such a great tool.

My son is dyslexic and I fought like a mama bear the whole time he was in school. I always had facts of science to back up my requests and had an advocate do the messy conflict stuff. But stand up for myself?! No can do...

 

[KwanYingirl]

I must say, this turned out to be a great thread!! Thanks all.

 

[StellaBlue]

thank you for that strategy. I hadn't seen it in my DBT workbook nor has my therapist. I will definitely make him aware of it-good stuff.

DEAR MAN is part of the interpersonal effectiveness module...the MAN part can be replaced with GIVE (gentle, interested, validate and easy manner) or FAST (fair, [no] apologies, stick to your values and truthful) depending on what your goal is for the interaction.

My son is dyslexic and I fought like a mama bear the whole time he was in school. I always had facts of science to back up my requests and had an advocate do the messy conflict stuff. But stand up for myself?! No can do...

I can totally relate - it took me 8 months of fighting with the school to get him tested and get an IEP. Use those skills you used for your son - you can do it!