Dealing with my father's cancer diagnosis

[Ecdysis]

Got the news today that my dad has cancer.

He's the only person from my family of origin that I've been in contact with for the last 25 years.

I have a sort of neutral non-communicative relationship to my brother, who I know has been taking good care of my dad. So I've written him a text message asking him to get in touch with me next week so that we can work out how to deal with the situation.

They both live in a country on the opposite side of the planet to me. I'm not in a position to travel, so whether or not I see my dad again is questionable, unfortunately. Tho I'm going to try to find a way to make it happen, but it's going to be super complicated, so who knows how that will go.

I don't know how I feel about it.

My dad is being very matter of fact.

(I recently wrote elsewhere that I suspect that he has Aspergers too - and his reaction to this cancer diagnosis is completely of a piece with that - very matter of fact, seemingly zero emotions.)

His Dad died of the same kind of cancer (prostate) and he's been having Dr's monitoring his prostate becase it was apparent that there was an issue with it.

Somehow, they've not caught the cancer diagnosis earlier tho... It seems because Dad's utterly unwilling to have his prostate removed, given that there's a risk of incontinence.

So, this progressing to an actual (aggressive) cancer diagnosis could've been very well prevented by removing the prostate sooner. But Dad refused that and decided to "take the risk" instead.

So now he's got this diagnosis, the obvious approach would be to remove the prostate and do chemotherapy in case any of it has spread/ metastasized (still waiting for a full body scan to happen to ascertain that).

But Dad's intent on keeping the (cancerous) prostate and "just" doing chemo... Because... not removing the cancer source is somehow "better" than a risk of incontinence.

I know it's 100% his choice and I've not said anything about it to him, but it does kind of boggle my mind that that would be his choice.

(Tho, again, it's 100% in line with his (both undiagnosed) probably Aspergers and definite PTSD from his own childhood trauma. - Not wanting to be vulnerable... rather be dead than be vulnerable... sigh... )

I'm so, so, so grateful for my hospice training... I think I'd be a mess without that, but it's standing me in really good stead and keeping me calm and matter of fact too.

Still sad tho.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think it's starting to sink in a bit... Tears now...

Had an incredibly stressful day today and no bandwidth for dealing with any emotions, so I've been quite numb...

Feeling sad/ angry/ upset about it now tho...

Reached out to a bunch of hospices and palliative care places in the city where my Dad lives.

Also reached out to an old school friend who's a social worker in that city.

Reached out to the people I volunteer in a local hospice here with too... They're so good at this stuff...

I dunno how to deal with "difficult stuff" right now... I'm in such a bad place, mental health wise, and not dealing with "anything", not even day to day life stuff, let alone anything heavier than that...

My only comfort right now is that at least I'll presumably get to say goodbye at some point.

Growing up with trauma makes us all a bit weird, I guess, and as a child, I'd think about death quite a lot and even tho most people would say that they wanted to die unexpectedly and peacefully in their sleep some day, my trauma-kid-brain always thought that a terminal illness like cancer would be "better" because then you get to say goodbye and put your affairs in order... you know, be "in control" of the situation to some degree as opposed to a sudden heart-attack or car accident or whatever striking you totally unprepared... Is that weird? I guess it both is and isn't...

I'm so avoidant of emotional pain right now tho... My system just does "whatever it can" to avoid-avoid-avoid pain... Run from it, ignore it, deny it, pretend it's not happening, try to stuff down emotions, try to get rid of emotions... anything that makes it go away will do...

Ugh... I hate this...

 

[mszl]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm so avoidant of emotional pain right now tho... My system just does "whatever it can" to avoid-avoid-avoid pain... Run from it, ignore it, deny it, pretend it's not happening, try to stuff down emotions, try to get rid of emotions... anything that makes it go away will do...

I know how awful this state is.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm so sorry, what an utterly hideous position to be in. I'm glad you've got some people around you who practically and emotionally can help you carry this a bit.

There's not a rule book for this so let yourself feel (or not) without judgement and with gentle compassion (yes, I know, significantly easier said than done). I'm glad at the moment at least your Dad sounds like he's in a place of stability, from a MH perspective, even if that's as a result of avoiding everything....

 

[Sideways]

I’m so sorry. That’s awful news. There’s no ‘right’ way to respond to that sort of news - so if your emotions check out for a while, that’s okay. If they come in thick and fast, that’s okay too.

 

[Teasel]

Really sad to hear about your Dad, very understandable that you've a lot of feelings about it and that turning to numbness too.

 

[Jane Soderstrom]

Got the news today that my dad has cancer.

He's the only person from my family of origin that I've been in contact with for the last 25 years.

I have a sort of neutral non-communicative relationship to my brother, who I know has been taking good care of my dad. So I've written him a text message asking him to get in touch with me next week so that we can work out how to deal with the situation.

They both live in a country on the opposite side of the planet to me. I'm not in a position to travel, so whether or not I see my dad again is questionable, unfortunately. Tho I'm going to try to find a way to make it happen, but it's going to be super complicated, so who knows how that will go.

I don't know how I feel about it.

My dad is being very matter of fact.

(I recently wrote elsewhere that I suspect that he has Aspergers too - and his reaction to this cancer diagnosis is completely of a piece with that - very matter of fact, seemingly zero emotions.)

His Dad died of the same kind of cancer (prostate) and he's been having Dr's monitoring his prostate becase it was apparent that there was an issue with it.

Somehow, they've not caught the cancer diagnosis earlier tho... It seems because Dad's utterly unwilling to have his prostate removed, given that there's a risk of incontinence.

So, this progressing to an actual (aggressive) cancer diagnosis could've been very well prevented by removing the prostate sooner. But Dad refused that and decided to "take the risk" instead.

So now he's got this diagnosis, the obvious approach would be to remove the prostate and do chemotherapy in case any of it has spread/ metastasized (still waiting for a full body scan to happen to ascertain that).

But Dad's intent on keeping the (cancerous) prostate and "just" doing chemo... Because... not removing the cancer source is somehow "better" than a risk of incontinence.

I know it's 100% his choice and I've not said anything about it to him, but it does kind of boggle my mind that that would be his choice.

(Tho, again, it's 100% in line with his (both undiagnosed) probably Aspergers and definite PTSD from his own childhood trauma. - Not wanting to be vulnerable... rather be dead than be vulnerable... sigh... )

I'm so, so, so grateful for my hospice training... I think I'd be a mess without that, but it's standing me in really good stead and keeping me calm and matter of fact too.

Still sad tho.

I lost my Dad to cancer also when I was 26 years old. I was an adult, but, I remember, suddenly feeling like an orphan, because I didn't have a Daddy any more.
Prior to his passing, he was going in and out of consciousness, he was at home, a home health nurse was there.
All the kis present, were able to say "goodbye" to our Dad. There were 7/11 kids present.
We all surrounded him, loved on him, and told him we would be okay, so, he should just, go with Jesus, when he sees him.
If a death could be beautiful, my Dad's was as beautiful as it could get.
I know he was surrounded by love in this world, until passing to rhe other realm, where I know he went, to an even better love.
When my time comes, I only hope, that I would experience rhe same type of passing.
It's not always a bad thing when rhey pass.
My Dad was in a lot of pain before he passed, when he passed, I know, all his pain, ended.
Of course, I still miss him, but I would never wish that pain and helplessness on him.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @ Jane

Talked to my Dad on the phone yesterday. He's doing fine. Quite admirably so, actually.

It seems I'm taking it hard than he is - at the moment. I assume that may change as what he's dealing with changes over time.

I keep bursting into sudden tears, hyperventilating, not feeling okay at the thought of "losing my Dad". It's interesting how that taps into such a deep childhood thing - feeling like your Dad is the person that protects you and he's the one you're close to and can rely on, he's the big safe presence in your life - and the scary idea that "that will be gone".

Which in a way is silly, because I'm obviously no longer a kid. But I guess I need to deal with that kid part's reactions and grieving, cos to that kid part he's still "my Dad".

I'm grateful that Dad's being so good about this. He's worked out where he wants to be burried (a very lovely place) and he's not scared of death.

I've had email responses from some of the hospices/ palliative care places I emailed, so I must reply to those...

This morning I felt so utterly overwhelmed that I didn't think I could cope with this and everything else going on.

This evening, I feel calmer and more grounded and more connected and can feel some faith that things will be okay, somehow.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks to everyone else too... My brain has been all over the place the last couple of days... Sorry!