So my psychiatrist said to not underestimate the impact of putting the claim in on my Father's Estate. She told me to rest for a couple of weeks. Of course I have done everything but that. f*ck this is a shitty time.
It's been 1 week and 1 day since I saw the solicitor. A whole lot has happened in that time.
So I actually slept for the better part of 24 hours. I woke up at 5am and I really didn't want to go to walking but I made myself go so that was good. But when I got home I was so tired that I went back to sleep until the Head of one of the Wildlife Groups rang me for assistance and ideas. Then I half listened to the Impeachment then went back to sleep and have slept on and off all day. I am just exhausted. I keep waking up and then doing something and then going back to sleep. I listened to Nicolle Wallace and Rachel Maddow.
I am so tired. I am at the end of what I can manage.
I have Advanced Training. I will do cooking for tomorrow because folks need assistance.
The solicitor's then the ambush the next day was more than I could cope with.
And I can't trust those people to be or do anything but themselves the 85 or 65 or any of them.
And I can't trust that ecologist guy either or his partner and his brother - he chose to be part of the ambush. He's very particular about his privacy, and who goes to which of the schools that he teaches at. Yet he didn't let me know that he was coming. So he is not to be trusted.
So this has destabilised me a lot. But it was a good thing to do. Then an overload of really triggering things occurred whilst I had had deaths and illness, fires and all the animals going on for so long. I was drowning. I had lost it but I didn't know how to get back or that I had lost it. I knew it was in PTSD looping but I was just in that PTSD looping.
And the enabling behaviours and the rationalisations that what that woman is doing is not so bad. Black or White or White as Black and really I am not doing that shit!
And even though ecologist guy has suffered trauma as a child. I get it but it is still not good enough as a teacher. I don't do people who are complicit with child abuse. And these reactions are red flags for some other behaviours that are most concerning. I may have to face facts.
Well my last post was meant to be in another thread, my diary, but I think it can kind of symbolise my state of mind. It's a bit messy. When I start beating up on myself it's tough and it often happens just beneath my consciousness. But I am doing better with it all.
I really regret not making a claim on my grandfather's estate, but I wasn't stable or living in a safe place at that point. It's a shame to be well enough to fight for your rights, you have to have enough of your rights to be well enough to fight for them.