BassistKara
Bronze Member
As you've probably guessed by my name, i'm a musician, and writer. So early last week i had a line in my head that i had to write down to use in some lyrics, but i just kept writing and writing until i had a whole A4 page filled up and was absolutely bawling my eyes out. What i was writing about was the loss of that girl i was before the trauma, and how badly i missed her and all she could've been, and how much it hurt and so on.
The strange thing is, before i blurted all that out onto paper i never actually understood how loss and grief could be part of PTSD and also play such a large part in healing. Obviously that took me by surprise, so i was in shock that all that stuff had come up by itself, but i also knew that it was something i had to bring up in my next session with my therapist in 3 days.
So the next 3 days i spent just bawling my eyes out and hurting so much for the girl i lost with the trauma. I ended up photocopying what i had written to take in and show my therapist. Before my session i was really adamant that i'd bring it up and trying to do that whole self talk stuff telling myself that shes a therapist and deals with stuff like this everyday etc etc. Well, as soon as i walked into the room, i couldn't bring it up! All i could keep saying to my therapist was "There is something i need to talk about but can't". All that loss and grief stuff suddenly seemed really stupid and irrelevent and meaningless, and i was stupid for even feeling all of that about what happened to me, and it wasn't even worth bringing up. As well as being scared what i would feel after i brought it up.
After spending the first 30 minutes talking with my counsellor about why i couldn't bring it up, and what would help me to bring it up. We came to a decision that i'd hand her the photocopy of what i'd written, and while she was reading it i'd go the toilet so i didn't have to sit there in silence while she read it and get anxious and all that. So i handed her the paper, and off i went to toilet.
I started getting really anxious and beating myself up about bringing it up and started crying. I eventually made it back to the room and i started pacing back and forth saying out loud "I shouldn't've showed it to you, i'm an idiot for even feeling that stuff" and all that while crying even more!
Then i sat down, still anxious and almost hyperventilating, i can't remember exactly what my therapist said, but she was validating everything that i wrote down and saying its a huge part of healing and all that stuff. Well, i just completely lost it! I have never cried that hard before in my life! I was shaking too. It just hurt so damn much. It was the first time i have ever felt something completely real, and it scared the crap out of me.
Like with everything i've ever "felt" since the trauma, it's always been in a detached sort of way, like i'm feeling everything at about 1/4 of the intensity of what it should be! But this, oh my gosh it hurt! I actually named a feeling! I am capable of feeling something completely real and not dying from it!
Bringing that out into the open it was seriously like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, everything seemed a bit clearer, and i wasn't refusing to feel, i actually just let it happen without getting rid of it with cutting, drugs or alcohol or anything else!
So with all that happening, my therapist suggested i find a way to honour the memory of that girl who died with the trauma. And after having another crying shaking spell about this loss and grief stuff on saturday night, i ended up going through an old jewellery box and finding a bracelet my nan(the only one in my family who hugged me and believed me after i told her coz she's been through the same plus worse things) had given me for my birthday the year before the trauma, and it has the date ingraved on it too, as well as my name and a bluebird on the latch thing.
I thought wearing that would be one way to honour the memory of that girl, especially since it has my name, and my birthday of the previous year, it'd help convince me that we are the same person too!
Just wondering what things other people have done to honour the memory of there former selves/who they were before the trauma? And also wanted to ask is it just me, or is it a common PTSD thing to feel like that former self died with the trauma, and who you are after the trauma are 2 completely different people, even though logically you know you're the same?
I hope that all made sense and sorry for such a long post!
The strange thing is, before i blurted all that out onto paper i never actually understood how loss and grief could be part of PTSD and also play such a large part in healing. Obviously that took me by surprise, so i was in shock that all that stuff had come up by itself, but i also knew that it was something i had to bring up in my next session with my therapist in 3 days.
So the next 3 days i spent just bawling my eyes out and hurting so much for the girl i lost with the trauma. I ended up photocopying what i had written to take in and show my therapist. Before my session i was really adamant that i'd bring it up and trying to do that whole self talk stuff telling myself that shes a therapist and deals with stuff like this everyday etc etc. Well, as soon as i walked into the room, i couldn't bring it up! All i could keep saying to my therapist was "There is something i need to talk about but can't". All that loss and grief stuff suddenly seemed really stupid and irrelevent and meaningless, and i was stupid for even feeling all of that about what happened to me, and it wasn't even worth bringing up. As well as being scared what i would feel after i brought it up.
After spending the first 30 minutes talking with my counsellor about why i couldn't bring it up, and what would help me to bring it up. We came to a decision that i'd hand her the photocopy of what i'd written, and while she was reading it i'd go the toilet so i didn't have to sit there in silence while she read it and get anxious and all that. So i handed her the paper, and off i went to toilet.
I started getting really anxious and beating myself up about bringing it up and started crying. I eventually made it back to the room and i started pacing back and forth saying out loud "I shouldn't've showed it to you, i'm an idiot for even feeling that stuff" and all that while crying even more!
Then i sat down, still anxious and almost hyperventilating, i can't remember exactly what my therapist said, but she was validating everything that i wrote down and saying its a huge part of healing and all that stuff. Well, i just completely lost it! I have never cried that hard before in my life! I was shaking too. It just hurt so damn much. It was the first time i have ever felt something completely real, and it scared the crap out of me.
Like with everything i've ever "felt" since the trauma, it's always been in a detached sort of way, like i'm feeling everything at about 1/4 of the intensity of what it should be! But this, oh my gosh it hurt! I actually named a feeling! I am capable of feeling something completely real and not dying from it!
Bringing that out into the open it was seriously like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, everything seemed a bit clearer, and i wasn't refusing to feel, i actually just let it happen without getting rid of it with cutting, drugs or alcohol or anything else!
So with all that happening, my therapist suggested i find a way to honour the memory of that girl who died with the trauma. And after having another crying shaking spell about this loss and grief stuff on saturday night, i ended up going through an old jewellery box and finding a bracelet my nan(the only one in my family who hugged me and believed me after i told her coz she's been through the same plus worse things) had given me for my birthday the year before the trauma, and it has the date ingraved on it too, as well as my name and a bluebird on the latch thing.
I thought wearing that would be one way to honour the memory of that girl, especially since it has my name, and my birthday of the previous year, it'd help convince me that we are the same person too!
Just wondering what things other people have done to honour the memory of there former selves/who they were before the trauma? And also wanted to ask is it just me, or is it a common PTSD thing to feel like that former self died with the trauma, and who you are after the trauma are 2 completely different people, even though logically you know you're the same?
I hope that all made sense and sorry for such a long post!
