Dealing With Possible Break Up/moving Out

[SeekingAfrica]

So...I can really use any practical tips you guys may have. Please be kind, realistic, but kind. I've already given myself all the tough love talks.

Here is the situation: because of not-dealing with my anxiety/ptsd for few years, or trying to deal on my own, I got into very dependable situation in my relationship, which started to undermine the relationship as such. We have been together 5 years, I have been doing therapy for a year, but there is a LOT that still needs to change.

Finally he has lost his patience and gave me a 3 months ultimatum that things have to change or else we need to move on. The problem with this is that part of the root of my fears in anxiety has been "survival" and him putting ultimatum is making me go through lots of anxiety. It's making it difficult to concentrate on making our relationship better, when I am worried I have no preparation if things were to go bad.

I moved to another country for him(4 years ago), we live together, in his apartment...my visa is tied to being with him, my insurance as well. He earns more. A lot of house items I never had to buy because we were living together and he already had them.
My head is now overwhelmed with questions that aren't about making us better, because I'm too worried of how I would survive if we broke up. The only way around this, I think, is if I'm prepared for both...

He is a good guy. I don't believe he would just make me handle this on my own even if we broke up, but nevertheless, we haven't talked about it. I have an office(working for myself) which is tiny apartment(1 room and bathroom) but it has most basics. It's not perfect for living alone, but I would already have a roof over my head and a couch to sleep on. But the rest...

I want to have 3 months expenses saved, and I have none. I keep thinking to even begin anything I need to have savings, now. Sell things if needed or do more work. And while I've had steady clients for years, occasionally there is a week or 2 without much work, and this is one of those moments. I make enough to survive- but not enough for emergencies, or moves like this. I don't know how to handle this. I've made a lot of mistakes- some due to anxiety and some not.

Nevertheless, my life needs extreme makeover, like, now. I can't really concentrate on saving a relationship, if my brain is making me think that I have to first take care of making sure I can survive on my own if needed.
I doubt anyone can suggest anything I haven't already thought about, but at this moment I feel like just having the situation looked from more than one perspective might be helpful. If you were patient enough to read through all this, thank you. I hope someone may have some tips.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I have just a couple of suggestions for you.

First, he's given you an ultimatum. You have a choice. Get help or go. If he sees you making a sincere effort to get help, he may do what he can top help you, as well.

Second, relationship counselling. That didn't save my marriage but it allowed us to go beyond our own hurts and understand better what the other was going through. Somewhere, we had lost our compassion for each other.

I don't know if this is any help at all, but I wish the best for both of you.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Yeah, would suggest relationship counseling too.

If an ultimatum is set there is a serious problem for you guys.

But you will have a place and you have your own work, so those are big pluses for you.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you guys.

There is a lot wrong, but it's more...circumstancial, if that makes sense. I still believe we are right for each other and we do love each other(that I have confirmation of from him:P), just somewhere on the way we stopped making each other happy. The reason he's given the ultimatum is that a lot of it came from me struggling with my anxiety and PTSD and he did all he could to help at the time. Now he's slightly depressed and I think he just doesn't have the energy to try more...so he's basically left it on me.

Although, whenever I do make changes I see him respond and change as well, so there is hope. I do think he just needs to see that I'm here and present...and a lot more. So I'll try...but because of the root of my anxiety I have to be prepared to know what to do if things go the other way.

He's against couple counselling for whatever reason, we've talked about it. So that's not really an option.

I do have work, but lately I've understood that for things to change...I'll have to make drastic change. And really show him, and myself that I can stand on your own feet. So...I'm probably giving up the office. It would mean that if we were to break up I'd have to find a new place...but it also means that for few months until then, I can give up as much transport/lunch/office bills cost, work from home and fast track having as big savings as I can- something that will be good both for me if we break up, and for us, if we stay together- because I won't need him to save me, whenever there is emergency, or every time my anxiety gets bad and I can't work as much as I would like. And he'll be able to rely on me more and actually have an equal partner. So...as much as it feels that giving up the office will be scary, it's also necessary, I think.

 

[Marie76]

So...I can really use any practical tips you guys may have. Please be kind, realistic, but kind....

Wish I could say something insightful. I'm going through something similar. I have a wonderful husband of 10 years. Just realized I've opened a Pandora's box of issues I need to work through, marriage aside. All I know is this is my journey alone, I'll work on me at my own pace, may be a long, long road with no assurance it's going to be easy, or that I'll be"better" for it. I do know I want and need to go it alone. For me my marriage is something I have no value, energy, or desire to contribute to right now or ever. That's a chance I'm willing to take. I would say sounds like you know deep down what you need to do. Right now, you don't need the pressures of making a relationship work. You need for you to "work" first. Just trust your decisions, only you know what's best for you.

 

[o0O0o0O0o]

So...I can really use any practical tips you guys may have. Please be kind, realistic, but kind....

Thank you for sharing. I hope you receive some feedback that helps and that times get easier for you soon.

I am in a similar situation, and I am at a point where my relationship is over unless I take better care of my self and my PTSD. The fear of what the loss means coupled with the steps I need to take are overwhelming.

Your post is filled with so much kindness and wisdom. To prepare for both scenarios may be harder to envision than possible in the current circumstance. You demonstrate a lot of strength and compassion in taking the steps you need before the dust has had time to settle. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.

I commend you on all the courage you are demonstrating, and send wishes for good luck and some peace too as you continue the march, and the hope that it helps to know that you aren't alone.

 

[Deadman]

@SeekingAfrica Try this experiment. When he is involved in something else look at him and ask yourself what you feel when you do. Not what you should feel. Not what you used to feel. Not what you want to feel. Just what you feel.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you for sharing. I hope you receive some feedback that helps and that times get easier for you...

Thank you for the kind words. It's really soothing to hear something nice and encouraging. It really, really helps.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

An Update:
It's over. Really, beyond over.

We've had few talks about how things are, what happens or needs to happen and so on. And yesterday we had the most honest talk we've had, and I had to call it. I had to end it. We love each other, still...
But we're not there for each other anymore, we're not happy, and that's how things have been in a long while. I kept thinking it's mostly me and if my mental issues improved we would as well, but in that year in therapy, a lot has improved, in any area of my life except this one.

Since we started talking about may be breaking up, I had to think about a lot. And more than I love him, more than worrying about how I'll make it in another country on my own, I had to think about our health and happiness. I feel the strain between us has gotten bigger and bigger, and a. we are stressing each other so much even without fighting, that it's affecting our respective health. I just spend a year just to get back to being able to work properly and I'm in no state to risk getting worse. His health is worse too. So I feel like if I let things be for 3 more months we may end up in a lot worse state and still break up. And b. I feel like me trying to help our relationship may be getting in the way of me helping myself and standing on my own feet.
So it has to be over. For both our sakes.

We're still friends, and I may even still live there for the next 3 months or until I'm able to move out with more security...I'm not sure how that would work, and I'm still planning to move out as soon as I can, but I do have those months granted for sure. And that is all I know for certain, for now. May be one day things will be different, but for now I have to let him go for both of our sakes.

It's the toughest decision I've had to make in the last years. We are so used to each other that we still kissed goodbuy today and we smile and it takes time to remember we are actually apart and that I'll be sleeping in the guest bed soon...But it had to be that way.

 

[Deadman]

It sounds like you are handling the situation very well. I understand it still hurts but things could have been far worse. Strength to you both.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It sounds like you are handling the situation very well. I understand it still hurts but things could h...

Thank you- we both need it.
Honestly I think I still can't fully believe it. One minute I'm planning all the changes that will happen, the next I feel like it's the right decision, the next I'm crying randomly...it's tough. But I'm handling it better than I thought I would though. And yes, it could have been a lot worse. I don't know what happens next, but at least I have a bit of time to figure it out.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I just want to send you encouragement. I went through a breakup 2 years ago. My PTSD was causing huge issues in our relationship and he ended it. I had 2 weeks to move out and it was ugly and painful. It doesn't sound like this is going to be ugly. I was able to find my own place and work towards getting out. After I was out of the environment, I was really able to focus on finding myself and getting better. And I did. (Well, I'm having a major relapse right now, but that's beside the point.). The point is that you CAN do this! You CAN survive on your own.