Dealing With The After

[leftwith]

Hi

I am new to this and trying to get though it at the same time, and would appreciate some insight. It all started about 4 months ago. My wife was her brothers caretaker and he passed away Now she feels it is her fault. 2 and a half months ago she walked out on the entire family. Our kids are grown,youngest is 19 and lives at home while going to college. At first we all felt abandoned (kids still do) but we have since learned that she has been diagnosed with PTSD. At first we were corresponding through letters, but she has since cut us off and sends our letters back unopened. We have had no contact for about a month now. She is in her home town with family around her but will have nothing to do with me or our kids. It has helped learning exactly what PTSD is but doesn't make it any easier. I guess my question is do we just wait and see if she will allow us back into her life.

 

[2quilt]

I personally don't see many options for you: you could leave a message for her through a phone call to her family. When she is ready, she will contact you. Until then, you could just send a short message telling her that you are willing to support her when she needs you.

People with PTSD can close themselves off from lovedones because they feel that the lovedones can't possibly understand what pain they feel inside.

You can't make her seek psychological help, go to therapy, take medications, or stop feeling guilty. She has to take the first steps.

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and your family. You must feel very confused right now.:rolleyes:

Speaking from experience, it isn't personal. I have felt like walking out on my family many times throughout the years, but not because I didn't love them. Because I was so alone, confused, scared and thought I was going insane. I never did walk out, but came very close, many many times. My kids are young and I guess that's part of what stopped me.

I think time and patience is all you can give your wife. She obviously has a lot of things going on in her mind right now.

I wish you the best of luck. Be strong.

Clydiechick

 

[suzie q]

First I would like to welcome you to the forum. I think you chose a good place to get information on the disease and it's symptoms. You will be able to get perspectives from both the suffer and the carer, like yourself and your children.

Being a PTSD suffer myself, I can say through experience that, when I am triggered badly (like a death or something that reminds me of my trauma), I am a very unsocial person. I'm angry, full of rage and then depression. It's hard for me to focus on anything besides the immediate trauma. I have a habit of pushing my spouse away because I feel like he will never understand my feelings. I know that is a lie I tell myself because I have a hard time explaining successfully what's up with me. I self sabotage and isolate. This will last for some time. I have to process the feelings and the intensity of those feelings. I also have to deal with the symptoms.

If I don't know how to process, I isolate and try to find a "safe place" where I think people understand. They may not, but if I feel safe with them, I'm right there. If I am not taking my medications to control my symptoms or have someone professional to help me cope, I push everyone aside even knowing that they love me and are helping me.

The death of your brother-in-law has caused your wife immense trauma. I think she is in the process of grieving and trying to make sense of it all. If she is blaming herself, that could be the guilt that grieving causes. They are supposed to be many phases to process before you get to the end or acceptance level of grief.

As an outsider looking in, I would suggest that you send her your love over the phone. Maybe tell her that it doesn't matter how long it will take, you will support her in any way she sees as safe for her. I don't think she means to push you away, but maybe she doesn't want you to see her this way. Maybe she hasn't worked on her PTSD...I don't know her circumstances, but you can educate yourself on her condition, try and understand she is a little lost right now, but will be back soon. I think she is just overwhelmed with so many emotions that she may have shut down. I've done that before as well.

Know that you have a place here to process your feelings along with your children. Ask questions and reach out to this community. Also realize that what has happened has nothing to do with what you have or have not done. Start with square one. Best of luck and condolences to the family in your time of grief.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I really can't offer advice for you, except to say that you need to ask yourself some questions. One being....How much will you take before you decide that you have a life too, and are entitled to live it????

PTSD can and is hard on the people that suffer with it, and we sometimes fail to see exactly what we do to others in the midst of out pain. I have hurt many many people along the way, but I have learned that the one that really suffers is me, because of the horrible way that I acted. But, I own it, and have to live with the consequences of my actions......Your wife will to someday......

Take care of you, and your children......I wish you well...

 

[leftwith]

Thank you all for some insight as this is difficult, this is the only place I have admitted that our family has a issue.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry, leftwith, that you are all suffering with this.

I think that you will find being able to say the truth/ "admit" what is occurring, will bring you much greater strength, relief, clarity, support and eventually I hope, peace, as well as the greatest possible degree of reconciliation, healing and acceptance for you and your family.

It is a very important first step.

My heart goes out to you.