Definition Of Forgiveness

[shiraz]

Or, put from a different perspective , perhaps it could be said as allowing yourself to move forward without the weight of the past?

Yes ... a nice take on that!

hmmm ... makes me think that losing weight might have some fast forward benefits :)

 

[Nicolette]

Funny Shiraz

 

[jefferylee]

A Good Book On The Topic Of Forgivness

Hi Shiraz,

An excellent book which I read a while back is called "No Future Without Forgivness" by Nobel Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu has much to say on this topic with great soul searching and spirituality. Enjoy

Peace and Hope...jefferylee

 

[shiraz]

Oh .... written by a man in my own backyard!

Thanks jefferylee.

 

[teknisa]

For me forgiveness is something that must be EARNED by the person who is seeking it. I do not feel that I owe anyone forgiveness outright without them asking for it and then showing me that they have deserved my forgiveness of them.

As far as forgiving myself, what the hell do I have to forgive myself for? I didn't ask for my abuse and I'm not responsible for it. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm 100% innocent in my abuse. case closed.

To me there is a HUGE difference between acceptance/understanding and forgiveness. I can accept what has happened for what it is but I do not need to forgive the people who have hurt me when they have done nothing to show that they deserve it from me.

If my abuser has the balls to confront me and ask for forgiveness because HE wants to take responsibility for his actions and better himself then I'll consider it. In the mean time I don't OWE anybody anything because I did nothing wrong in the first place. Knowing that has taken a lot of guilt off my shoulders.

I think people who feel that others should forgive the people who have hurt them only makes the cycle worse. Perhaps 'forgiveness' for some is the same as 'acceptance' but I think 'forgiveness' is a horrible term to put in place of 'acceptance'.

And in order to accept something, one has to understand it, once it's understood, one can take the necessary steps to learning how to move past what one does not understand or accept.

 

[yell]

Please Keep In Mind That I'm In An Angry Phase

To a large extent I agree with Teknisa. What exactly does one mean when they say forgiveness.

As a little girl I heard from someone that saying sorry was like saying "I'll try to never do it again' and that still makes sence to me. So when I think of forgivness I think that it should come with an understanding that it will not be repeated OR it never should have happened OR I am aware that I made a mistake. I have never had a problem forgiving people who have asked, or people who didn't mean to, or people who didn't know what they were doing. But a few of my abusers will probably never get that from me because what they did was unforgivable, and the most unforgivable part is that they have never owned up to it.

When I forgive people for hurting me, even on purpose, it's because I do understand and I can put myself in their shoes. I know how hard things can be and I know we all make mistakes, but we're talking about grown men and women who had a choice. I know I had a hard time growing up with all the starving, and beatings, and rapes, and blah blah blah, but I made a choice to not abuse people. If these few people made any effort to admit or accept that what they did was wrong and not asked for, then I may move towards some type of forgiveness, but it does have to be earned in my eyes.

If it's just about accepting of what they did, well that's still hard in itself, but I do believe that will help me heal.

Excellent topic Shiraz. I have been thinking about this often and it definately helps to hear what others think too.

 

[sidekick]

Interesting topic.

My views have changed over the years. I was always told that I HAD to forgive to move on. I thought I had forgiven and forgotton. Yet it keeps resurfacing. Even the anger/hatred towards my mother just this last month, like never before, leaving me with the impression that I obviously had NOT forgiven her.

I have also started back on the path of find a way to have a relationship with God since for so many years I blamed him, when in reality it wasn't. And this has brought on conflicting emotions as the Bible does say to forgive. Yet I know that I am in no way able to forgive some of my abuses. I have cried and prayed over the abuse and abusers during prayer asking/begging for HIM to help me forgive them for they not know what they do and all that.

Sometimes it seemed to work and I would feel like I forgave. Then a memory would come up and I would feel all the rage all over again.

Someone recently told me that to move forward I do NOT have to forgive the abuser. It gave me a sense of new freedom I never had. I know I do need to at some point let go of all the anger/rage towards the different people and not let them have that power over me.

I have enjoyed reading other peoples points on this and found it very enlightening and hopeful. Thanks for sharing. I do at times feel empathy when I go back and thing of the persons background. I feel for them and know tht is why they are who they are. But as adults we are still accountable for what we do.

 

[hapa_gurl87]

"Don't forgive until you're ready to forgive." That's my motto which pretty much goes for any action I take in life I don't do things until I am completely ready because if you don't the outcome could not be healthy for your trauma symptoms. I can't forgive my therapist yet for what she did to me and I don't think I will until the day I can look in the mirror and really smile deeply and feel joy again!

 

[This Ends Now]

Great Definitions

I love that so many people have responded with their own definitions to these difficult and abstract concepts. I feel it is important to decide for yourself what these very emotional terms mean to you. Good work everybody! :thumbs-up

I would like to add some clarification on what these words mean to me. I do not claim these definitions to be right or wrong for anybody else.

Let me use an example that does not cause emotional pain. When I was a kid I tried to pet a neighbors dog. The dog bit me and injured my leg.

I forgive the dog. The dog is a living being who behaved in an unacceptable and dangerous way towards me at that moment. The dog is more than that action. Although I do not approve of the dog biting me, I can still forgive the dog. As a result I do not suffer from hate or desire for revenge, even if I must separate myself from the dog.

I accept the fact the dog bit me. I realize the bite injured me and do not try to hide the injury. With this acceptance I am able to treat the wound and start to heal.

I empathize with the dog. I can put myself into the mindset the dog must have had at the time. The dog had the mistaken impression that I was somehow a threat. With this knowledge I am able to predict how the dog will behave in the future and avoid being bitten again.

I am sorry that so many have felt forced into one concept of forgiveness or another. I believe that forgiveness must be given of one's own free will.

I am also sorry if in my earlier posts on the topic I gave anybody the impression that anybody needs to forgive themselves for abuse that happened to them. I was trying to communicate forgiveness as an abstract concept that can be used in many different ways for many different situations. I do not blame myself for the abuse that has happened to me and that is not where I apply self forgiveness in the exercise I mentioned before. I do apply self forgiveness for the moments in my life where I have made mistakes through carelessness or anger. When these moments have negatively impacted others, I think it is correct apologize to the person I have wronged and try to refrain from repeating my wrong actions. If I cannot apologize to the person, then I can at least try to reform my actions so I do not harm others in a similar way. In either case I find comfort and strength in self analysis and asking forgiveness from God.

Best wishes,

Liz H.