Delaying The Onset Of Pregnancy And Child Rearing?

[ms spock]

I believe that delaying having children, so that mental health can be addressed, is a productive idea. If someone with a mental illness can do a certain amount of substantial healing then the children will have less effects from either of their parent's mental illness.

I have been thinking about putting a thread up about this for quite awhile, but I wanted to do it in a way that did not offend people. I am interested in how other people think about this. I did decide to remain childless due to my background. And that has been a good decision for me.

I recently watched the interaction of three generations where the mental illness, addiction and childhood sexual abuse has been passed down with little therapy or attempt to resolve the issues and it is sad to see the intergenerational effects. I am interested in ways of interacting that could curtail these intergeneration effects.

Perhaps delaying having children, so that issues can be dealt with could be substantial and productive? If a potential parent, with a mental illness, can do a certain amount of substantial healing then the children will almost certainly benefit.

I do see that every type of mother and father, from every type of background, can become exhausted, doubt themselves, worry about their kids and if they have a background of abuse internalises all that horrible stuff from childhood and beat themselves up about their childhood and have fears of passing that legacy on. But that is a separate issue. I do believe that by working on your own stuff you are immediately providing a brighter future for your children and that is a positive thing!

Perhaps it could be better to not bring children in to the situation until the PTSD or other mental illness has been dealt with in a concerted effort for at least three years? I was wondering how other people thought about this?

 

[Bilby]

Interesting idea, Ms Spock :)

I believe it would be a good idea to at least consider, provided that other circumstances (e.g. age!) are on your side and other considerations such as your financial position at that period and in the years ahead are taken into account. There are many other individual considerations to take into account as well, and at the end of the day it's also a very individual decision to make.

I'm the supporter of someone with PTSD, however I have depression and anxiety and I can quite categorically say that with the birth of each of my children, I have experienced a fairly severe exacerbation of my symptoms. This has not been nice for anyone involved. That said, being older this time around, with the birth of my littlest bilby, I think I bonded with him better. Overall, I coped better, but my symptoms still resurfaced.

Having children is a huge step and a big change to one's lifestyle. Of course, most of us understand this is going to happen, although to what extent it actually happens is probably not realised until you're in the thick of it all :) Even if you feel 'ready' you can find yourself somewhat unprepared. Making yourself the priority before you go down the path of parenting is a sound idea - I had been working on 'myself' for quite some time, but not anywhere near the extent to which I should have done (the benefit of hindsight!). I do now worry about how my issues have affected my children...

I'm interested to see what others have to say about this issue - certainly a very interesting subject :)

 

[Nicolette]

Anthony has children from his second marriage where he was struggling with learning about PTSD & the management of it. His kids are great but they should never have had children in that relationship at that stage IMHO.

We discussed having a child together and I was all for it until I learned more about PTSD. If we had gone ahead & had a child I doubt our relationship would have survived - let alone the impact on any child. I am not saying Anthony is not a good parent; I do know that his PTSD is severe enough that ongoing prolonged stress ends up knocking him over. I do believe he and I would have stood a better chance that his second wife due to compatibility - there is so much involved which is not only about the children but does impact on them IMO.

 

[Smushroom]

I am not at the age where I need to start thinking about having children before my time is up, I'm still young, but I would not ever dream of bringing a child into the world at the moment. If I can't look after myself and take care of my own needs, how on earth can I look after another human being?

I suppose it can work, but I too have seen people with mental illnesses (that have not been addressed or resolved) have children and the child has suffered immensely. I don't want any more children to suffer...

 

[Rumors]

I think the issue would be, you have to know you have a problem first. If someone is in denial and the problems are never brought to their attention, it would be hard to say this theory could work. I waited until I was in my 30's before I had a child and although I knew I had issues, I didn't think of them as severe or unusual. It wasn't until my son turned the age I was when I experienced a trauma, that I understood how messed up I was about certain things. So, I went to therapy. It hasn't been easy nor has it been fun or interesting. I went bc I wanted to be a better mom and a better person. I would have NEVER gone to therapy if I hadn't had a child. Sometimes you can have kids, not screw them up totally, and they make you want to be a better person. There is no doubt my son saved my life in many ways. I am grateful for that and would never take that for granted.

Just another way to look at the options.

 

[Shellbell]

I think it depends on whether your PTSD is severe and whether your symptoms are managed/manageable. Whether you've had most, or all of the therapy you need. My children add a huge amount of good and bad stress to my daily life.

I had my children before the severe PTSD developed. Had I have known then, I would get to how I am now, with un-managed severe PTSD and MDD and a lot of therapy ahead of me, I would not have chosen to have children yet. But then again, my age would also have been an issue as I am now 41.

My children are my biggest reason now for keeping going some days, but I don't believe in having children to help my own issues, or give me a purpose, I think children should always be given the best chance in life. And I don't feel I have done that for my children at all. I think I made a non-deliberate, but very selfish decision to have children, without having addressed my past and issues fully first.

 

[Nicolette]

Having been getting married, planning to have children via adoption in the future (believing at that point I could not have children) and falling pregnant as a surprise I will also remind any woman that you have to prepare for the worst case scenario - and that is being a single mother as no relationship has guarantees. I believe, which also swayed my decision with Anthony, you have to think can I do this on my own or in my selfish case, do I want to do this again?

 

[piratelady]

My ex and I were trying to have a child before we divorced. I really feel like I dodged a bullet on that because as we tried, his self-destruction, and the abuse only got worse. I do still want to have a child one day, but I fear my years are numbered since I am 31. I guess I will just have to stick with therapy, keep trying to live my life and see how things go.

 

[KP the nut]

The decision to have children should never be taken lightly (if possible :rolleyes:). In my case it wasn't PTSD which delayed our decision it was how I felt. I married at 19 after knowing H for only 6 months.

I had always lived at home and to be honest I was too damn selfish to consider having children. We waited almost 7 years before we began trying. In those years, we emigrated and moved house numerous time. We lived, loved and generally had a great time.

I was brought up in a broken home and I wanted to be secure in myself and H first.

 

[ms spock]

Interesting insights everyone. Thank you.

One thing that interests me is the use of contraceptives. I grew up in the age of AIDS and I have always had safe sex. I was wondering why people have sex without contraceptives? To my way of thinking that is trying to get pregnant.

If you are dating someone new, with some substantial issues, wouldn't it be a good idea to use contraceptives? Nicolette would be an exception to my thinking. If you think you can't get pregnant and safe sex is not an issue, I guess you wouldn't need to use contraceptives, but as a general rule what do people think about this? Is it possible to get pregnant "accidentally?"

At what point do people think it is reasonable to get pregnant in a relationship? Three years? 12 months?

I know a woman at university how got pregnant three weeks after the first date. My friends and I were of an opinon that she was doing this to trap the guy. It didn't work out so well for him I must say. What do guys think? Is contraception important for you as well? Do you see it as a form of protection for yourself?

 

[Nicolette]

If you are dating someone new, with some substantial issues, wouldn't it be a good idea to use contraceptives?

IMHO - if you were dating anyone new (issues or not) you would be using protection from sexually transmitted diseases and of course some sort of protection (at least a condom) if not on the pill. Even contraception is not a guarantee that you won't get pregnant.

 

[ms spock]

Well that was how we were brought up Nicolette - safe sex every time - everyone using a condom or a dental dam (depending on your persuasion). Given the reported rise of STIs in Australia you would think that this would be standard practice, but it doesn't seem so.

Not getting pregnant was also important - every child a wanted child - discusssed and thought out by both parents. But if people aren't protecting themselves from STIs, it seems that this is not a priority that it once was.