Delaying The Onset Of Pregnancy And Child Rearing?

[Abrasky]

I think with PTSD, it really depends on the individual. There are some people without PTSD who do not have the qualities to be a good parent. There are some people that have qualities to be a good parent who have PTSD, and some without.

I am a parent. I had severe PTSD 13 years ago and was unable to get out from under a blanket at the beginning of my therapy journey. I consider myself very lucky that we didn't start trying to have a child until into 9 years into therapy as I know that I could never have been a good parent then. We couldn't have children so I am lucky we then had to wait 4 more years to do IVF.

I am not a perfect parent now either, but their is a huge difference. Therapy is my 'trust fund' for my child and his children. May my child never have to go through so many issues that keep getting passed down through the generations of my family. Getting therapy, and believe me I've had quite a lot and healing and now able to be a better parent, is my present to him. It is traumatising to carry baggage with when parenting your children I think. It will seem a good idea at the time to have them, but then you love them and realise how much baggage your carrying, it can hurt, not worth carrying into a parenting commitment. Ditch as many issues as you can then enjoy being a parent I think.

 

[ms spock]

It is true Maze that there are many people who are not parent material that don't have PTSD.

I have met people without PTSD who definitely seem like they are not parent material, who have had children. Having a child is not like buying a new whitegood appliance and when I see people like that I wonder what their throught processes were in having children. Did they just not use contraceptives? Is it another box that they just wanted to tick off?

Having the insight that it might seem a good idea at the time to have children, but now is not the time could be helpful in some situations. Not carrying all your issues into a parenting commitment seems imminently sensible to me. Sometimes people lack insight and guidance. Sometimes they think that having a child will heal a rocky relationship. Some people seem to think that having a child will cement a relationship. It is true if you are in denial you won't be able to make a decision in the same way if you are not in denial.

Ditching as many issues as you can so you can really enjoy being a parent sounds like a great idea to me Maze. Being present with your child and not carrying baggage into your parenting situation sounds like setting your self and your child up for success.

It is impressive that you did 13 years of therapy before having children Maze. It is a real gift to give your child. No person is a perfect parent Maze, it is a huge difference when someone has dealt with their issues and is committed to being a parent. Being aware of so many issues that keep getting passed down through the generations of your family gives your child such a positive legacy.

 

[Toria]

As a 35 year old, married for 8 years, I do find that there is a certain expectation in "society" for me to have children. Those who actually know me just say that I'd rather have a puppy :roflmao:

But there are reasons behind my choices.

Firstly, I am not remotely maternal. Something that KP said hit a nerve, but I think with me it's a bit more than that. The responsibility petrifies me and having not been brought up in a big family I have never spent time around children and so do not interact with them naturally.

Secondly, there is a possibility that I cannot as I have had a lot of symptoms of the early menopause. This I have to say has not bothered me in the slightest to date - I know there's always time to become broody, but for now I'm comfortable with it. Apart from the flushes...

The main reason was my upbringing - my mother suffered severe post natal depression that eventually turned in to manic depression (as it was then). Her mother (my Nanna) suffered the same thing but with tinges of paranoia. My Nanna has been dead for a long time, but the more I look back the more her symptoms can be pigeon-holed in to some sort of paranoid depression / delusional illness.

As both my Mum and my Nanna had such horrendous reactions to pregnancy - and having seen, not necessarily what it did to them, but to my Grandad and my Dad (and I suppose to me too) I made the conscious decision never to inflict this on to someone that I loved.

As it has turned out, I do not feel that Husband would react well to a change in the structure of our relationship that children would bring. He has a son from a previous marriage and the marriage fell apart shortly after his birth.

As there is quite an age gap between Husband and me I can well imagine that I will regret it at some point - but in a purely selfish way. You can't have children just so that you're not alone now can you?

 

[p-no]

I grew up in the age of AIDS and I have always had safe sex. I was wondering why people have sex without contraceptives?

I have been wondering the same for as long as I have been dealing with these topics. I do think many women (especially young women or rather girls) trick themselves by wanting to believe that even though they used contraceptive measures those did not work right. Many young women also say that the guy is responsible for using a condom. But of course, it does happen (that you e.g. take the pill and become pregnant anyway). But I strongly believe it's far less than many women want to believe.

I asked my mother why she fell pregnant with me at age 16. My mother was living hell and is one of the main reasons I'm here with chronic PTSD. She started off saying there were no contraceptive measures she could have taken. So I asked her more detailed, like: What about the pill? What about a condom? Etc. She found an excuse to every single thing -- and I proved most of the information she gave me wrong (e.g the pill was not invented at the time...) She really had no answer; but that is only this one case. And it doesn't explain why any woman would risk their health not using a condom.

Regarding your first post: I agree that it would most likely do the children good if the mother/parents got through some PTSD-related things first.

I myself never thought about the PTSD per se, but I never found I was with a man that I wanted to have children with. My choice of men has been bad, and I have made my best choice for some time now by not getting into a relationship with those men available to me (and I like them too). I seem to have no access to healthy men so after lots of trial and error I have learned that "no man is good news" in my life and that being alone holds a lot of peace, stability and "normal".

37 now, I don't think I'll ever have children. But I also do realize that there is no such thing as taking that decision as to whether or not to have children just once and for all. Let's say a woman has 20+ years time to become a mother, we all change, life changes, conditions change... You may want something different when you're thirty than you did when you were twenty. You may find your partner can not have kids. You may, may, may... I may even meet a healthy man and decide that then, yes, I do want to have a child. But that is something so out of the question now, because I know only in theory what a healthy relationship (man/woman) is and so far, as said, I have not had access to any man I would really want to have a child with. Quite the opposite: I had man who I could never imagine having kids with, because of all that might or might not happen in life that I would not feel well enough dealing with alone. So, for me, now this means: I do not think I will ever have kids. That's okay now though. I have kids in my life, two god children, there is so much volunteer work involving children here... If you want to care for and give healthy love to children in my country, there are many ways.

Oddly (to me), my t keeps saying she regrets me not wanting to have any children. But to me that is the right decision and to be honest, the more I heal, the more I value myself and the more I value what the healing has brought about in my life. Most times, I'm at a good place now and I cherish that.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you Ms Spock for this thread. I have been careless. I have been dreaming to become father of more than 3 kids. So I will keep looking to this thread. I can't believe I didn't think about this things. I have suffered from emotional abuse and now dealing traumatic events in my life. I was actually denying that I won't let my children suffer from me. Unconsciously some of my actions can do more harm to kids.

 

[ms spock]

Dear Jaret,

It doesn't mean you won't ever be a father. Or that one day you won't feel more ready to have children.

I am exploring about the timing of becoming a parent. I am also interested in if you deal with a substantial amount of your PTSD how that impacts on the intergenerational legacies on our offspring.

I am interested in why people become parents. The use of safe sex and contraceptives and how our mental states might impact on having children.

It is interesting to see how people think about getting pregnant and what this means for them and their partners. Sometimes general people don't seem to think it through very much. When you are overwhelmed PTSD we sometimes don't think things through too well. If we have discussions going, which explore options, then people at a vulnerable parts of their healing or entering a relationship might make better informed decisions for themselves and their future offspring.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had gotten married and got pregnant right away. Three years later I got pregnant again. When I turned thirty years old I got myself in therapy because I knew I needed help. Then I was diagnoses with ptsd. I did not know how messed up I was. I was always playing catch up with my kids. I was very hard on myself and I felt my kids deserved a better mother. Looking back I was a good enough mom. I loved my kids and got them into therapy. I had a alcoholic husband for years until he went in for treatment when i left him. He has been sober ever since.

I lost one son to a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I have one daughter and two granddaughters. I treasure them all. I am so glad I had my daughter. She is a much better mother than I am and her children have very high self esteem. My daughter was in therapy for awhile but she is done and doing well. Better than me. I am very proud of her for breaking the generational cycle of abuse. This is an interesting thread.

If I had known how messed up I was, I would have waited to have children. But I did not know. Now I work on myself really well. I am doing my best.

 

[Tanishq]

Ms Spock, you have nice questions and this is very mature topic.

I am interested in why people become parents.

I would like to become parent because it will be from our love. Keep going on generation and grow old with kids.

When you are overwhelmed PTSD we sometimes don't think things through too well. If we have discussions going, which explore options, then people at a vulnerable parts of their healing or entering a relationship might make better informed decisions for themselves and their future offspring.

Very good point. Kids have greater influences on parent's lives. I think there are many things on this which can be discussed. I know most parents think this way, they got married. They made love with each other and wow we produced a live. :laugh: They start living in some dream world, forget that their kid has life.

Giving birth to kid is very big thing. I will respect my partner's choice on this topic. when to welcome kid in our marriage life. It will be great occasion for me. :)

Ms Spock, when you will let your kids know that you have ptsd? I think, it's better if situation is crucial, if they keep asking. Sometimes it can make them feel weak. Safe would be when they have matured enough to understand their parents.

Dear Gizmo,
I can see, you have broken that abusive cycle. You have succeeded in it. You have done so much work as being mom, friend and other family relations. You always inspire me to break abusive chain which is also in my family. You have matured all things throughout the years. With patience, wisdom and care.

I lost one son to a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I have one daughter and two granddaughters. I treasure them all.

I am sorry for your son's loss.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Jaret, you are very kind. I appreciate your kindnesses to me.

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock, when you will let your kids know that you have ptsd? I think, it's better if situation is crucial, if they keep asking. Sometimes it can make them feel weak. Safe would be when they have matured enough to understand their parents.

Hi Jaret,

I think it would depend on the situation and the age of the child.

I have seen concentration camp survivor's not tell their adult children what happened to them and it makes it hard for their children to reconcile the experiences of their parents to their lives in Australia. Of course that would be individual but I would tell my child/ren with understanding of the studies about Vietnam Veterans and Concentration Camp survivor childrens' experiences.

I would be in therapy all the time if I had a kid (me personally - not saying anyone else has to) as my childhood was so traumatic is that my stuff could get mixed up with my parenting.

If I had kids I wouldn't tell them the details of my childhood abuse until at least the age of ten - then it would be bare bones.

As my child wouldn't have grandparents there would have to be an explanation when the child became old enough to ask a question. A simple Mummy's parents weren't very nice people and they weren't safe to be around so we don't see them.

If my PTSD effected my parenting I would apologise and say this is no excuse, and it is not about you - Mummy has a problem and sometimes it means she is not present, fair, patient etc whatever I got wrong.

If I was unwell and it was effecting my parenting then I would tell the child at an age appropriate way that it was me and not them. Simple explanations that are honest could be best.

I am not going to have children or a child Jaret. I don't have the skills and the background to provide for a child. I made that decision when I was 15. I am 43 years old now. I have always practiced safe sex and never risked pregnancy or STIs. There are many people in my family that really shouldn't have become parents. I didn't want to continue that tradition.

It doesn't mean I haven't had children in my life or missed out on the joys of having them around. It just means I am helpful to my community and friendship network by being abit of an auntie or a friend of the family. I don't get overly involved anymore but I do treat young people and children with respect and kindness.

 

[Tanishq]

You're much welcome gizmo. :)

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Ms Spock,
I have collected points you have made in this post.

Mummy has a problem and sometimes it means she is not present, fair, patient etc whatever I got wrong.

My bio. mother did opposite of this. I don't consider herself as my mother. When she had problem, always threw it all at me and projected her own issues on me. She would say very bitter things to me. She never had mercy over me.

I made that decision when I was 15. I am 43 years old now. I have always practiced safe sex and never risked pregnancy or STIs. There are many people in my family that really shouldn't have become parents. I didn't want to continue that tradition.

I can see, you're trying to spread awareness. You are being very helpful to me. You're good human being Ms Spock. :)