Denial - Feeling Crazy

[Abstract]

I am so confused. I talk and go through the motions but I don't believe any of this almost all of the time. It's like I am running a marathon and standing dead still. I believe I am lying and making this all up. I can know that immediately after having a flashback.

I have just read something on traumatic transference and there was a sentence in it about denial and certain patterns of relating that got through to me for a minute. :( I honestly don't know how to get past this. I have to somehow get into therapy and spend most of my time hating myself intensely for lying about everything. I know I am lying. I am too ashamed to say exactly how crazy that looks sometimes. I have always thought I was a very rational person (people would say I am) but maybe I am just mentally ill.

I am sorry if none of that makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Abstract))) I understand. It is very hard to come crashing down out of denial. It happened to me. I felt like life had picked my up by the ankles and shaken every part of me out. I had a real identity crises. It took many years to feel better. I was completely devasted by the truth of my abuse and victimization. I do not think you are crazy.

I think it is normal what you are going through. Our survival depended on us to deny our reality in order to survive. It helped us to survive. Now our survival works against us. We are not back there anymore. But the memories are so fresh and there is so much pain. Of course we doubt ourselves. It takes time to heal I encourage you to keepit up and not give up. You will feel better.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Gizmo. I truly feel crazy. I cannot even describe how sure I am that I am lying. And I am less sure now than I have been a month or two back. I just go around and around and around in my head all the time. I honestly think the only solution is to get a new brain. :confused:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

A fresh start would be lovely. But it does not work that way. I cannot say anything about you lying, but you may not be doing that. Denial is supposed to protect us. It gets bad when it is willfully done. I do not think you are doing that. Coming out of denial is intense. When I woke up I felt as if my whole life was a lie. It was a very confusing time for me.

You did not get this way overnight and you will not heal overnight. Though it would be nice if it did not take so long. It takes as long as it takes. I think you are a real sincere person.

 

[maddog]

Hi Abstract. As someone who is also currently struggling badly with being authentic, both in therapy and in life in general, I think I understand implicitly what you are trying to say. No, it's not intentional, or even conscious, but only that there are walled off parts of me so deeply overlaid with defenses and denials that even I am not aware of them until I realise that the reality I am desperately trying to convey to the world is getting further and further away from the reality inside my mind.

Gosh, now who isn't making any sense...

I feel terminally stuck and lost right now, and it's an awful invalidating despairing place. If this is anything like where you are, I am sending heartfelt empathy a thousand times over.

Maddog

 

[Shellbell]

The process of coming out of complete denial, is very painful, very confusing and made me realise that everything I thought was wrong and a lie. What I wanted to believe about my parents, is a lie. What I wanted to believe about the trauma/abuse not affecting me, is a lie. What I wanted to believe about myself, is a lie.

And as someone who always says I don't like fake people, to realise I was the most fake person I know - pretending to be okay and functioning and strong, was a lie.

It was all complete and intense denial of the truth and the truth is I am still the desperately scared, intensely lonely, severely abused, completely unloved, irreversibly damaged young girl and have been all along.

Abstract, my heart goes out to you and everyone dealing with denial and all the emotions that go with it.

 

[Abstract]

I would so rather answer other people and run away from this but am dragging myself back one step at a time. Shall hopefully answer properly later.

Thank you all so very much for answering and for understanding a little of that gobbledegook. Its a bit of a miracle that anyone could.

I have above all else prided myself on being a logical person (and caring about people) and there is zero logic with this stuff. My lack of ability to seem to have coherent thought about it is driving me crazy. I am at war with myself and most of the time I cannot tell which side is the side that is right and that I should be supporting.

I could see it clearly in the past - nothing was wrong and nothing hurt me. Now it is like everything is reflected in those funfair mirrors. With the volume turned up and many frills on top.

Maddog, I am grateful you brought up the word "invalidation". There is a definite added element if that going on. Its like I have some sort of introjected abusive invalidator . On top of the denial. I am very lucky that my trauma is not extreme. I struggle to see it as trauma at all even though it ticks all the boxes. I am so grateful that I do not have more. My logical mind can see that very clearly and in a true way and that is good. The introjected invalidator and the denial also use that as fuel. I guess it is major progress to even use the word "denial" and even realise that is probably what is going on.

Shall see if I have the courage to answer you all directly later like I would like to.
((((((Gizmo, Maddog, Shellbell)))))):hug:

 

[Thinkingman85]

Abstract, I understand what you are going through. There is always a feeling that the life you are living is a lie or is less than what it should be. It's like you are not in tune with who you really should be... The way that you were created and supposed to be. When I think about my past, I actually can sense that who I was was actually a different person. I know that I am the same person, however.

Usually, when you have memories, you are having memories in first person. Memories from before my traumas are being portrayed in third person. Memories from after my trauma are portrayed in first person. I believe that I was a smarter and an overall better person that had a grounded will to survive before the trauma. I am a good person. That is probably why I have some trouble experiencing pre-trauma memories in first person... because I don't add up to who I was.

Now, I feel like I am abandoned and dying in a cold universe. I feel like no matter what I do, the universe is too strong for me to survive and thrive the way that I was meant to. Maybe I need God in my life. However, rationality always keeps me seeing the world the way that it is. I hope things will work out for you. We are still here and we can do this.

 

[Kyle]

I know how you feel. I want to desperately move on and to stop the constant dwelling of my pain with my family or origin. I want to stop the horrible memories of being bullied at home along with the terrible time I had in school.

I lie at times thinking I am making progress when suddenly I feel I am back at square one. I know this is not the case but it sure in hell feels like it sometimes.

I have done therapy. I have read self-help books. I have shared the pain with a loved one. Why does it feel like it won't subside? The good thing is that the shame does reduce when you start loving yourself. Shame also reduces when you minimize the contact you have with people who do not have your best interest at heart.Loving yourself is the key. All you have is you and I have found that I am not so bad regardless what anyone says. Going forward is the key.

There are setbacks but give yourself a break that the stuff we endured is basically against the law. You will make it and never stop trying because you owe it to yourself and to prove the critics wrong. Always remember if one hundred people tell you that you are no good doesn't make them right. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Kyle for saying everything you did. i needed to read that today. It helped me so much. Much appreciation.

 

[Tanishq]

Abstract, I feel you are very confused. You're validating so many things. I believe if one is much confused they will get clarity soon.

:hug: