Denial... For How Long?

[Thinkingman85]

I am in denial because probably I cannot handle the reality of my situation. I am dissociated from people because of previous experiences with two people. I am dissociated from life because I see it as Darwinistic. I'm not sure if intellect will be able to get me back to normal. I don't feel involved in life anymore. It's like my brain has segregated me from being connected with reality. I just wish that I was totally integrated. There's no use trying to live a fulfilling life if there is any dissociation. The totality of me or what I'm capable of isn't involved in life if I am dissociated.

Because I am dissociated, there is a compounding depression effect. I do not behave how I use to and I am aware of it. I am also aware of when my brain stops me from behaving in a way that is beneficial to me. There are behaviors that I use to have that are not allowed anymore by my brain. It's an automatic response. An example is that I want to be connected to people. I have a natural inclination to establish a relationship, but when I start taking action, either consciously or subconsciously, my brain puts up a wall and keep me away. I am aware that my brain keeps me away from establishing a relationship and it only makes my life worse. Being aware of this just adds more depression and continues the cycle. It has to end and I have to be whole again. The best explanation I can state is that my brain is blocking me from being involved in life.

 

[saffy]

Because I am dissociated,

Hi Thinkingman85,

Thanks for sharing this.

I have huge walls when it comes to people. I just have no trust at all both in them and in my own capability to make good judgements.

I do not think I am in the right position mentally to try for a relationship at the moment, I realise that now, for years I kept thinking I had to, there was something wrong with me, I could not connect, I felt like I was always on the outside ect ect. Those are my issues that I am trying to deal with at the moment by doing little personal challenges. It is working slowly, I find myself less needy or self loathing and a lot calmer.

Are you getting any therapy or help for dissociation then?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I have huge walls when it comes to people. I just have no trust at all both in them and in my own capability to make good judgements.

I can understand where you are coming from. I want to enjoy life, but it seems like there is a subconscious fear or belief that I am not allowed to. I wish that I was totally immersed in the moment... enjoying it completely. I feel like when I do enjoy the moment, all of it isn't enjoyed. Only the aspect of myself that is safety-oriented enjoys it. There is another aspect that needs to be open. If I was, my subconscious mind would allow connection with people. There is always an underlying thought process that tells me that I haven't done enough in order to enjoy the moment and completely experience loving my life and existence... It's like my brain won't completely reward me with the enjoyment of life. Whether it's not getting revenge on deceptive people in my past or making mistakes in the past, etc. Learning is key. I just hope this doesn't last forever.

Yes, I am getting therapy for dissociation. It is helping.

 

[saffy]

It's like my brain won't completely reward me with the enjoyment of life.

Hi Thinkingman85

Do you think that you might be punishing yourself for being happy in someway?

Fo me it is like I fear getting to close. sometimes I do not trust their motives. But mainly is that I just do not think I am good enough or have anything good to offer or they will be off first chance they get.

Sometimes I think that I must be doing something to scare them off without realising it. I do not think I am pushy and definately not high maintenance, maybe thats the trouble ;), but I am not that open either in case I drive them away.

I can get very lost in emotions and cannot control them. I end up pushing them away in the end anyway. Thats if I can get anywhere passed casual aquaintances. That is for both male and femail if I try to have a good friendship. A lot of women seem to be threatened by me for some reason. I am not after their man, for gods sake.

I think for me it is to do with fear of rejection or abandonment. So I tend to shut down and this wall is there no matter how I try to break it down. Like you I think it is self protection and a lot of low self esteem.

I am glad your dissociation therapy is going well, this seems to be the catalyst eh :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I think there is a form of self punishment going on. I have made mistakes and gaining the sense of self worth I once had is a challenge. It feels like my brain is not awarding me with my sense of self worth I deserve.

When you say that you must be doing something to scare people off, I feel the same way. There are certain behaviors that I do not want, yet they are expressed. I think the PTSD symptoms are the reason that I can't keep a relationship with people the way that I want. One symptom is me not believing that I am good enough to keep a relationship and the other is the belief that I am not mentally stable enough to maintain a prolonged relationship.

I see people as stable characters. The reason the character is stable is because the overall character is healthy. That is why they can maintain long relationships and succeed in life. However, a part of my character is damaged. One example is from sexual abuse. Because of it, I am hyper-sexual. I do not want to be hyper-sexual. Practically all of my life I wasn't hyper-sexual. It is a symptom that causes me to distance myself from people. I'm not sure if you have been sexually assaulted, but that could be a reason that women may distance themselves. Or, in fact, you might just be judgmental as a symptom of PTSD for defensive purposes and over exaggerate things.

I can tell if I am normal or not because I have been normal for 21 years. When I am an overall healthy character again, things should go back to normal. This will involve believing that I have absolute worth to live life to the fullest and enjoy it 100% without shame or guilt if I do so and overcoming emotional and sexual trauma.

 

[saffy]

This will involve believing that I have absolute worth to live life to the fullest and enjoy it 100% without shame or guilt if I do so and overcoming emotional and sexual trauma.

Me too :hug:

I am slowly working on my issues but for me I isolate myself so do not get the chance to practise and learn much. I am just so tired of feeling invisible or not worth bothering about. But I can also be surrounded by people I know quite well and still feel this. It does not seem so bad when your on your own though :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

You are not invisible. I like to believe that we are human and we make mistakes. Also, I like to believe that a sense of worthiness and self trust can be regained. This is a personal thing that we have to overcome. Even though I haven't overcome it yet, like you, I still enjoy being by myself. When I am around friends, I also have the feeling of something not adding up. :)

 

[saffy]

It is interesting you saying that you can gain a sense of worthiness, but is that based on being worthy to someone? I find it pretty hard to convince myself I am when I am not shown I am. If that makes sense.

I dont mind my own company I am with myself most of the time. I always find something to do or sometimes do absolutely nothing for days.

I do get a bit down with having to go out everywhere on my own though. No matter who I invite and to what, no one ever seems to be available. If I do go out on my own men seem to think I am on the pull for a one night stand or do not approach, females tend to think I must be after their men or after someone they like and get all bitchy.

Have to say I am dreading christmas and new year.

We have a personal battle on our hands eh ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

No, I don't think it's based on being worthy to someone else. In a sense, yes, but it's more about me being worthy of myself. It's about me being comfortable with who I am. Me feeling natural. Me being me completely. It can be regained. I'll have to deal with the issue regarding my worthiness to others, but it won't define me. You'll find someone. I can tell that you are a well intentioned person. The holidays are hard for me also. I still enjoy the feelings they bring though. :)

 

[saffy]

It's about me being comfortable with who I am. Me feeling natura

That's interesting you say that because I already think I am an ok person in some ways and I think I am being open and natural. Which is why I cannot work out others reactions.

When I look at other people I think I am no more no less interesting, caring, fun and happy. I look after myself and use my manners and am curtious and polite. I live by certain virtues and morals and like to give people freedom to be themselves. Which is why I can't work out what is going on. It is like in my head I am one person and to others I am someone else. hey ho

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

You might just be blowing things out of proportion. I have a uniqueness, but that is not going to alienate me from society.

 

[saffy]

No, Ive lived here for over ten years and not established a close relationship with anyone. I know it is my issues and am working on them.

You are stronger than you think :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)