Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[Dissociated1]

Warm tight hugs all around. It means so much to talk about this to others who actually understand...

You are correct Abstract, current theories are that genetics and personality play a big part in a person's tendency to dissociate. My doctor says DID/MPD are just points along a sliding scale. Apparently abuse victims who lack a dissociative ability usually have some type of sexual dysfunction and are often anhedonic. They defend against abuse with suppression and denial. These capacities are preserved by abuse victims who are able to dissociate to defend themselves. My doctor recommended an excellent book I am reading now, "Childhood Antecedents of Multiple Personality." It is an excellent reference on our understanding of dissociation and a child's reaction to trauma. I got a used copy on A**** for a dollar plus ship. Not sure if I can post a link but there is a great Google preview at

http://books.google.com/books/about/Childhood_Antecedents_of_Multiple_Person.html?id=AplwBTXWr44C

 

[Shellbell]

Reading these posts have made me realise something. As a child, I dealt with my abusive parents and CSA through suppression and denial. Which is one way abuse victims deal with the ongoing abuse.

It was only when I feared for my life later on and believed I would die, that dissociation kicked in (and I believe that's what caused the PTSD). From that point onwards I dissociated on different levels during different trauma's, including amnesia over a period of years, to depersonalization during a near car crash, a park attack and my ex husbands drunken physical abuse. And now I'm trying to deal with the abuse in T and the PTSD is severe, my brain is using dissociation frequently now.

It's interesting to see how the brain reacts to different trauma's and abuse and situations and can alter the coping strategy when required.

It's a lot to deal with and big hugs to you Abstract and all dealing with this.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Shellbell,
Thanks and hugs back to you too and all that need them and are dealing with this stuff.

I definitely have dissociated as far back as I can remember and from what others have said to me. I was even tested for hearing difficulties when I was about 8 apparently as a was not responding to teachers regularly. So much of how others have seen me or my identity has been to do with d rather than who I really am and it was a bit of shock to realise that. When I am not dissociated I am not the forgetful, terribly clumsy, inarticulate, slightly odd person that I am when I am. It took actually being a bit better for the first time that I could remember for me to start realising that. I look at childhood photos and see a dissociated gaze.

I find it really hard to separate dissociation and denial completely when it comes to the stuff I have been talking about on this thread. :confused: I think there is an introjected invalidator that adds to the mix for me. Not talking about personality D though which I believe has to develop as the personality is developing and pre 5 years of age.

I have heard it said that dissociating and having dissociative symptoms after an event is much more predictive of us getting PTSD than other stuff (other than duration and severity of course). I had this link on hand if anyone wants to look. http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/180/4/363 although I haven't read it in a while. So it is a bit of double edged sword in a way. It protects and apparently is even a sign of intelligence and imagination and yet it seems to add to the likelihood that we don't put experiences in the past and continue to carry them with us. I think once D becomes a habit it becomes hard to break. Maybe that's part of why it got more prevalent for you later Shellbell.

 

[Dissociated1]

A few things I have learned-
Dissociation is a coping mechanism and those who are able to dissociate do so. But the abuse must be frequent and inconsistently repetitive for the brain to begin to chain the dissociative episodes together into separate personalities with unique behavior/identity. The cut off is usually taken as around 8. After that age, the mind has sufficiently developed to the point that although it will continue to dissociate, it will not develop into separate personalities regardless of continued trauma.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Dissociated 1. That sounds very much in line with what I have read. When we are talking about constructive or personality dissociation that is. I don't believe there is such a cuttoff with other garden variety types of course but they are a totally different mechanism. I am sorry you have to deal with DID. It must be really complex. I do also totally see it as not so strange though as we all have different parts of our personality and DID is just that with the volume turned up.

I do also see it as coping skill and not an illness :) even though it backfires when not controlled.

 

[Abstract]

There is stuff that I struggle to see as having legitimacy (I can't understand where or how it fits) and yet affects me. :confused::(

 

[Dissociated1]

Each of us has our own tailor made hell, Abstract. Your kind words mean than I can say. Legitimacy is extremely difficult for me as well. I have only recently come to understand that so often it is an attempt on my part to normalize or trivialize an experience to make it easier to accept the things I do not want to see.

It is very common for MPD/DID to go undiagnosed/misdiagnosed for years because an individual's survival depended on keeping this aspect of themselves hidden. After originally being diagnosed as transsexual following my breakdown, discovering that I was actually separate male/female personalities as a result of trauma dissociation was a huge relief to me and my wife.

But the relief was short-lived; having an alter is a complex reality. My female self is an amazingly strong secondary personality- think the television series "The United States of Tara." Aside from the struggle to face my memories in therapy, she demands time to live her own life. I have two wardrobes, two sets of friends, live two completely separate existences.

The incessant flip-flopping between us is embarrassing and extremely frustrating. We are are co-conscious but there is still time/memory loss from those things we do not share. I can't keep track of the things one or the other of us does or or says often moments apart, let alone what happens on the days when my female self fronts.

So many others have it much worse than me. I was fortunate to have had a way to cope, to have had a happy life and a successful career until I could no longer run fast enough to keep ahead of my past. Trauma therapy is very hard medicine. But I am already beginning to see a glimmer of the consolation of truth.

 

[faraway]

I have only recently come to understand that so often it is an attempt on my part to normalize or trivialize an experience to make it easier to accept

This is spot on.

Your story is really powerful. I hope you are starting to find some peace.

 

[Hashi]

I relate very much to things people have said here.

I learnt to "switch off" when I was very young. Initially it was a conscious coping strategy but I think it soon became an unconscious default mode then and ever since, to function without really being present. The past three years of therapy and my own work has been like finally waking up, not just to the traumas but to my life overall - career, living situation, finances, health. I feel like I've been sleepwalking through it all.

Dissociation and denial have gone hand in hand. Interestingly, my first job was at a child protection agency. I would read the case histories and it didn't compute. It was like my childhood. My mind both saw that and at the same time glanced off it, bounced quickly away, and I left the job very quickly for a concocted reason. It's been like that every time something has been put in front of me - injuries, my reaction to things, experiences that didn't fit with the idea that nothing had happened. Every time, I saw it but I wouldn't look.

Trying to accept that the things that happened are real, that I haven't fabricated it, I've been desperate for evidence. Anything that didn't seem to fit threw me back into disbelief. But there is evidence, and there's also the question of how could I possibly know so much about how this feels if I was fabricating it? And if it wasn't true, why did I disappear from my own life? How could I have split myself so violently, meaning not DID but splintering myself into different aspects because the whole was too much?

If the payoff is to avoid dealing with things, then why am I doing all this work to bring myself back to life, to become real and whole and present?

Going in and out of disbelief has let me inch my way towards facing what happened and processing it. The doubt, denial and minimisation are horrible and frustrating but they've protected me, and I couldn't have coped if everything had become completely real overnight.

It's been very tough, but I'm now more at the stage where I believe it but worry that others won't. I haven't done much trauma work yet with my current T, and this is one of my big concerns. What if it's too unbelievable? What if I think it's true but she can tell that it's not, I'm just deluded? I've decided that all I can do is say that I believe it to be true, and if my mind's deceiving me over any or all of it, then that's not deliberate on my part. Then go ahead. It's better than living the way I have been.

Trauma therapy is very hard medicine. But I am already beginning to see a glimmer of the consolation of truth.

Yes, very much, to both these things. For some time I wanted it to go back to not being true, or important, but now I feel differently. Letting it be true is a relief, even letting it be terrible is a relief, and it gives me a way forward. Finally, after years of living in fog.

 

[Dissociated1]

Going in and out of disbelief has let me inch my way towards facing what happened and processing it. The doubt, denial and minimisation are horrible and frustrating but they've protected me, and I couldn't have coped if everything had become completely real overnight.

Coming on 4 years of therapy I am slowly beginning to face the truth, and to see myself struggling to find ways to make things not fit to throw me back into disbelief and denial. I had a powerful emotional dissociation in therapy at my last session, my female self took over for close to 10 minutes. I remembered being terrified of drowning when I got caught in the waves during a family trip to the beach when I was 4. Wiping the tears as I came out of the episode, I told my doctor a child's tumble in the waves couldn't possibly be the cause of all of this. She just looked at me, waiting for my mind to grasp that what had just happened said it all.

Denial, avoidance, minimization they have all protected us. I think it's natural to want to get through what my psychologist calls "the dirty middle" as quickly as possible, for it to all be done and over. But I know in my heart this very struggle is what will make me a better person when I am finally there.

 

[faraway]

What if I think it's true but she can tell that it's not, I'm just deluded? I've decided that all I can do is say that I believe it to be true, and if my mind's deceiving me over any or all of it, then that's not deliberate on my part. Then go ahead. It's better than living the way I have been.

Yep. This is where I am, too.

 

[shell]

I sometimes wonder what is worse, worrying I am just deluded, or having a T trying to convince me it true, and that the flashbacks and body memories are how memories come back, and I don't want to know because knowing is unacceptable.