Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[Abstract]

Abstract, what is it that you are afraid will happen if you face it?

Thanks Faraway for caring and answering. And thank you for your input. I don't know how to explain this but I feel genuinely afraid of separating parts of me in the way they do with family system therapy. :( Probably an indication of my still unstable sense of self and the feeling that once I do it I won't get everything back together again. I have the same feelings about free writing. Essentially terror.

I guess I am afraid of it being real. Or if it isn't real facing I am literally nuts. And it's the idea of therapy and terror of therapy. Once I face it I have to face needing therapy (which part of me knows is a truth regardless). I shall see if I can kick myself into gear and at least start answering you guys on here like I wanted to. I think I am essentially going "la-la-la-la-la" despite going around the forum discussing experiences of mine. I don't believe a word of it. At least the physical battling with myself has stopped though. That was not really that much fun.

I hope you are still managing to trust your therapist. The internal battling can be just plain crazy making, can't it?!!

 

[faraway]

Probably an indication of my still unstable sense of self

Well, the IFS model would say there is no such thing as an unstable core Self. The point is to unblend all the parts so that your Self can lead your life with compassion and respect for all of your parts. From an IFS perspective, it would be that a part (probably a 'manager') is terrified of letting go of control because of past experiences. It is still in control, protecting the Self from what was once a very dangerous environment. (I'm assuming your current life is currently safe and that you're not still involved in dangerous relationships.) But the point, from an IFS prospective, is to unblend, and to stay unblended, from all your parts. The point is to recognise your parts, enter into dialogue with them, understand why they are the way they are, understand why they feel the way they do, then release them from unhelpful / constricting / trapped moments in time so that they can transform themselves into more helpful aspects of Self.

I understand your fear of things being real. I've lately started to have intimations of something I previously had no clue of, but would explain why I have no memories prior to the age of 13/14. I currently have a manager getting quite indignant with me over the parts work because she (and others) are protecting quite a big secret. The secret of my life. I am very, very, very afraid that the secret is what I am starting to suspect and that would be quite mind-blowing / devastating. But... if that is it, then I can come to terms with that and begin proper healing. And if isn't, if I am just making everything up, at least I can finally come to terms with that part of myself, understand why it might do that, and move on.

The point here is moving on. I'm very tired from lugging this all around. I do want to unburden myself and I am finding this notion of parts quite liberating as it helps me understand why I am so many things all at the same time.

I say all this, but I also think that I wouldn't do this without a (very good!) therapist because of the ramifications of the secrets (or 'exiles' in IFS language) and also because I don't want my 'firefighters' making me go off the rails again. I'm currently dominated by very meticulous and careful 'managers' who take very great pains to remove as much stress from my life as possible. But... they're also out of control! They've removed so much stress from my life that I no longer have one. LOL! I'm a terribly unbalanced mess, but I do have hope of finding my way back to my Self.

Or if it isn't real facing I am literally nuts.

PS: Not facing the issue won't make this untrue if you are actually nuts. If you're nuts, you're nuts, whether or not you accept/face that. Frankly, if you were really nuts, I don't think you'd be able to carry on such coherent conversations.

 

[Abstract]

The point is to recognise your parts, enter into dialogue with them

:eek::arghh;:dead: Hows that for dramatic? ;)

very afraid that the secret

Sometimes I think this is exactly what it is about. The idea of freewriting for example is scary as I feel afraid of what will be written by other parts of me.

But... they're also out of control! They've removed so much stress from my life that I no longer have one. LOL! I'm a terribly unbalanced mess,

Oh! I relate so much I can't even put it into words! Good for you for having this much self awareness. It sounds like you are on track. Thanks for your input and the responses. Much appreciated.

. Frankly, if you were really nuts, I don't think you'd be able to carry on such coherent conversations.

Hmm... I don't know. Maybe I am selectively nuts! :D Yes you are right that avoiding wont change the truth. But I guess me knowing I am nuts and others having it on record feels different as that could impact various things in my life.

 

[faraway]

Hows that for dramatic?

I'd say you also have a vocal and bolshy teenager. :p Mine is currently living in an unfinished basement in a house I used to live in. Which is much preferable to her lingering around and taking over and cursing people out when she felt like they were taking liberties. When I entered into a dialogue with her, I found out that she's actually really nice and likes cooking but had had a lot of bad experiences and was convinced that everyone hated her, so she was mean to people before they could be mean to her first.

The idea of freewriting for example is scary as I feel afraid of what will be written by other parts of me.

I understand. But I also think that when you are ready to put down your burdens and move on to something better, you'll embrace things like this as a way to free up your Self. :)

Maybe I am selectively nuts!

LOL! You know there is no such thing. You're either nuts and your nuttiness sometimes convinces your Self that you're not nuts every now and then. Or, you're not nuts and a part of you is just afraid she is. Perhaps because someone once told her she was for trying to speak the truth.

 

[Abstract]

nuts and your nuttiness sometimes convinces your Self that you're not nuts every now and then

oh :roflmao::). That must be it!!!

I am glad you have your misunderstood teenager under control. Poor thing having to live in an unfinished basement!I think I shall give her a skylight as a gift so that she has extra light in her life.

Interestingly I don't loose my temper and never have. Not with other people anyway. Or should I rather say I now can in recent years at times after a lot of therapy and work trying to do so.

Thanks again Faraway!

 

[faraway]

Poor thing having to live in an unfinished basement!

She wanted to live there! The point of parts work is to find out what they like / want to make them feel better. I asked her and she said that's where she wanted to live, so I put her there. (At that point she was REALLY bolshy!!) Anyway, I repeatedly went back and sat on the stairs going down into the basement, just chilling with her, seeing if she wanted anything. All the while she hid in a corner with her hair covering her face being stroppy and moody and mainly ignoring me. Then one day she went upstairs into the kitchen and started cooking. Now she goes back and forth between the kitchen and the basement. She's much happier. :)

You are welcome. :)

 

[Abstract]

She's much happier.

Pleased to hear you didn't banish the poor thing to an unfinished basement! Teenagers! It sounds like she is healing though and that is wonderful. Take care Faraway. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

"Moms".... :inlove:

((((((((faraway, Abstract)))))))

 

[faraway]

Pleased to hear you didn't banish the poor thing

The point of IFS work is not to banish anything/anyone. The point is to unbanish parts by engaging with them and helping them to unburden. Sorry if I sound a bit evangelical about this! The EMDR didn't work (three mini seizures after trying it) and the meeting room didn't work since most of my parts are banished and I have hyper protective managers who forbid me from going near them. This way, approaching them all one by one, proving my self and my abilities to my managers, I think they will let me go near the really faraway things in due course. It's the only thing that seems to work for me (so far).

I am taking care of myself for a change. I hope you are too. :)

 

[Abstract]

I am glad you are doing what you should be doing and taking care and working with all your different parts. I am glad you are not punishing and rather negotiating. I think you have explained very well how separating things can help you negotiate your way through blocks and it is interesting to hear.

I will have to think about this some more. As I said I find the concept for me very frightening. I do maybe feel like I would not get myself back together again and that feels very frightening and threatening. I guess I am mostly very careful to do the opposite and acknowledge different pushes and pulls whilst clearly claiming the single "me" all the time. So much feels unreal in my life and unreliable and maybe it is a grasping onto something that anchors and holds things together. I would have to think long and hard about this being the right way forward for me despite me truly understanding the concept of how helpful it can be in getting around the blocks that we put up with ourselves.

There is no doubt at all that I am expert at blocking myself and it has sabotaged enormous amounts of things in my life and treatment.

You way of explaining it has definitely given me more insight. I could not go anywhere near EMDR (my therapist wanted to do it but circumstances made it not viable) as I did not even have enough trust to tell the therapist how my week had been let alone anything else. I would enter the room, attempt to talk, dissociate, come out near the end of the session, say about two sentences, go home. :confused:

I am glad you are taking care of you. I am taking care of me in the sense of the basics but the rest is profoundly confusing. It depends which reality is real. :meh:

(((Faraway)))

 

[faraway]

I do maybe feel like I would not get myself back together again and that feels very frightening and threatening.

I haven't explained it very well, because you are not dismantling yourself, so there is nothing to put back together afterwards. You are unblending yourself from your parts and in this unblending, you see the different ways in which the different parts are currently stuck. Then you help unstick them and let them move on. This is the way you free up your self to be its true self and in control of your life.

I don't suggest you do this by yourself though. But you might want to learn more about it by reading that book I linked to or reading the website some? http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

It would be something to do when you are ready to find a therapist you are willing to trust who uses this model.

But if you've never trusted a therapist, then perhaps other models will also work for you. You'll not know until you let yourself take that leap though. (Not all of my parts trust my therapist or my self.) By the way, in EMDR you don't need to talk out the memory, you just need to process it.

All the realities are probably real, but they each reflect the reality of part. The real question is which of those realities is the reality of your true Self? And which of those realities will dissipate once you process the trauma?

 

[Abstract]

All the realities are probably real, but they each reflect the reality of part. The real question is which of those realities is the reality of your true Self? And which of those realities will dissipate once you process the trauma?

Oh my head hurts. :confused:

I read the link so thank you! I had not thought of the Self as separate to the parts but rather as the the sum of those parts. I shall have to think about this for a bit. I am not sure about what I may have been doing in the past but what I think I may now be doing if looked at it from this perspective is hanging on for dear life to the Self and attempting to ignore or quieten the parts.

I really don't know why looking at the rest feels so viscerally threatening. It certainly is very real.

I think with EMDR it wasn't at all that I could not talk that stopped her attempting it and rather that that inability showed real trust issues and lack of stability which made it unwise. From what I know there has to be the right stability to start otherwise it can potentially be dangerous.

Lots to think about.....