Depressed, Alone And Confused.

[Emily The Strange]

Hi,

I don't know whether this is the right place to post this or even if posting is a good idea in the first place but hey I'll do it anyways.

I've been feeling very down and alone recently and I can feel myself slipping into depression again. I go through phases of being "OK" and then I just hit rock bottom all of a sudden and most of the time I can't see it coming.

Recently I have been doing alot of reading of other peoples accounts of their traumas and introductions on this site and others and I'm shocked by most of the things that I have read. Reading these upsets me and stresses me but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. Every night I find myself doing the same things and then spending what should be my sleeping hours writing and thinking.

My biggest problem when reading other peoples accounts is that I can't help but compare traumas. I know that it's wrong and my therapist tells me not to everytime I see him but I can't help myself. I read and then think my life is so pathetic and that what I went through was nothing compared to others and I should just pull myself together. I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do when others have been through so much and seem to be doing so well in comparison. I've actually got to the stage that I am embarrassed to talk about my trauma with anyone in case they say "so what, thats nothing compared to everyone else". I know/hope most wouldn't say such a thing but I'm still scared someone will.

I punish myself for so many other things in so many other ways that I need to somehow stop myself from continuing this cycle before it gets out of hand.

I hope some of this makes sense, I'm having trouble organising my thoughts at the moment.

 

[nomedic1]

No trauma is too little or too big, we all experience life differently, we are here to support, to try and make those scars heal we are not here to judge or measure our traumas.

 

[Phenioxrising]

All pain is delt with in different ways. I have had an eating dissorder since 16, and still find it hard to deal with.

At 14 moveing isolated me, and all I had to cope with was a Sheperd puppy. My mom abused me since age 2, when she came at me with her rage in the new house, I basicly had nothing to loose. Defending myself I choked her, till she let go of me. She screamed untill she lost her voice, but it served her right.

Revenge in some ways can be sweet.

 

[Valentino]

There is an unconscious motivation and drive to seek out other's trauma stories.

A major part of the side effects of trauma is the psychological and emotional minds trying to make understand, make sense, and learn from past trauma experience. The trauma overwhelmed our defense mechanisms, leaving us damaged, injured and somewhat helpless. So the mind gets busy trying to investigate and replay various trauma scenarios, so that it can develop new coping strategies and defense mechanisms. Then the mind can feel a bit more prepared and safe for future potential traumas.

So that might be why you're driven to read and explore other people's trauma stories. Unfortunately the stories also end up triggering your our past traumatic energies and pain that's still unprocessed and unresolved within your nervous system. So it seems like the triggers are directly causing new stress, sadness and pain. But actually it's just old pain and emotions that want to be processed and resolved out of your nervous system. Typically all those past emotions want is simply to be 'fully felt', accepted, and honored. Then the energies naturally fade away, integrate and resolve themselves. BUT to consciously allow and do that, is way beyond scary for an average person, multiple times more scary for a trauma survivor.

It's also a natural part of the learning process for the mind to compare experiences. So no need to beat yourself up for that, your mind and body is simply trying to understand and learn about trauma. Your nervous system is already highly stressed and exhausted, try to be more considerate and compassionate with yourself. Trauma is not a race competition with others, it's more like a marathon, a very individual personal journey and exploration. Focus on and tend to your own wounds, allow them time to heal. No need to make the wound bigger with self-abuse, punishment, guilt, shame, comparison, etc.

Thanks for having the courage to share such personal details. Yes, it's a little scary but it gets easier with practice.

 

[Sick of Fear]

I can totally relate to how you feel. Have you tried cognitive behavior therapy? My psych had me go to it (I was weary at first) and it really helped me. I still tend to compare, but I find that it helps to look for what I have in common with that person. We are all survivors and we are in this together. Thank you for sharing your story and best wishes.

 

[Emily The Strange]

I have tried CBT in the past but mid way through I was told I couldnt have any more sessions as I have conflicting core beliefs and won't allow myself to deal with the guilt and trauma. I didn't agree with this and was very hurt. I went backwards in terms of my recovery and started to punish myself in all sorts of ways. I barely eat, sleep or do anything I enjoy and on occasion I self harm. This worsened when I was dropped from therapy. I guess this is just another way of me trying to punish myself

I am on a waiting list to see someone else who disagrees with what happened also so hopefully I can start again soon.

Next time I am reading someones story I will keep in mind to look for things we have in common rather than negatively comparing and see how I get on. I don't consiously compare though so I think it will be tricky. I ususally read it then later on I notice what I have done or I drift off and come round to find mysef scrolling through pages and pages of accounts or images similar to what happened to me. I can't seem to stop myself.

 

[Sick of Fear]

Wow that's beyond wrong of them to just drop you. I hope that you move up quickly on the waiting list to get the help you deserve. The CBT that I experienced didn't make anyone face their trauma and instead, helped make us aware of our thoughts, discover where they come from, and whether or not we are being rational. I'm so sorry that your experience was so terrible :(

When you do get the treatment and care that you DO deserve and ARE worthy of, you'll see things start to look up for you. Hugs and best wishes to you.

 

[Emily The Strange]

That's what I thought, so very wrong. I had two weeks notice that it was going to end so not much closure either.

The CBT that I had previously was really good, we challenged the way I thought about myself and my experiences and also faced the trauma. We were working on exposure when it ended, I got about a third of the way through the trauma. I'd very much like to continue with the exposure as that's where most of my issues lie and I made the most progress whilst doing this.

I'm supposed to be phoning now to chase up my referral but I'm feeling very anxious and can't bring myself to dial the number. I'll get there eventually.

Thanks for your kind words.

 

[Sick of Fear]

I know that feeling all too well lol my husband calls me a procrastinator for it, but it's a big step to take. You will get there, you are stronger than you realize.

 

[Phenioxrising]

What helped me, was to look on Amazon and find a book on trauma, that might make sense of what happened to you in your past.

 

[Emily The Strange]

I have a few books, they take me a while to read as I have a poor attention span but I'm getting there. So far none of it has really helped though.