Depression_SI_Panic_

[Susan Jane]

so you've jumped to a worst case scenario mindset. No, this isn't the power of positive thinking or any such nonsense. This is accepting that you have experienced what you like, you aren't right now, but there is no reason you won't go back to exactly what you liked feeling either.

My worst case scenario mindset is usually something I can control, but this time it ran me over like a train, and my frozen panic took over. That lands me in my eyes in the headlights of an oncoming car panic and I land in bed, and then the effin depression comes cause I seriously can not leave my apartment and I don't eat. This time I called my friends and asked for help even though I was embarrassed. Toxic positivity, makes me want to scream, I am a normally positive person when I am not drowning. If that worked in my episodes I would be chanting all day. Thanks for giving me even more hope by saying "there is no reason my good stuff won't return". That is my battle of faith, and when I do not have any the critic comes in and tells me I will never get better too far gone. This shit is so exhausting....However I am learning more and more by listening to other people's stories. Much appreciated...

I have explained over the years, PTSD is like this thing always looking for an in to drag you back into its sewer. One negative thing, and PTSD amplifies it to try and overwhelm me.

That is true, just when I get rid of one symptom another one bites and it is often more intense. Last night I couldn't get to sleep after a month of okay sleep. I started having horribly vivid intrusive thoughts, I had forgot about them, as it had not happened for a log time. Scared the shit out of me, I finally was able to tell my sister about it. I have never told anyone about these thoughts, not even my therapist...after I told her it didn't go, but I was able to calm myself and have a good laugh with her about this bizarre thought..

My act would traumatise another.

This is what has save me from that road, I could not traumatize my son. I also do not want to die, I want to live as I have said before.

I believe it is a selfish act too, however, I also believe that sometimes we lose people this way because the suffering they are experiencing, is too out of control, and they are not in their right mind. I lost a very close friend in Australia, she was the kindest mom and friend, and I was angry with her. However, I knew how much she loved her children, and I also knew she had had so much shit in her life that she didn't deserve. She waited till her kids were old enough to take care of themselves, and I knew she must have been so desperate and I felt compassion. I was able to support her kids per telephone and it really broke my heart.

Thanks for your input Anthony....

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@Susan Jane - removed the trigger warning from your post, they really aren’t necessary on a forum where traumatic content is discussed in most posts. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution. Any questions, please use Contact.

 

[anthony]

Everything you're saying, is actually pretty good. It doesn't sound you're losing yourself at all into the depressive void, as you are pretty rational about and looking at your thoughts from various angles. That is healthy as f*ck. Something people without depression don't often do, because they haven't had to... but those with depression, in order to just survive, we have to look into the deep abyss of shit and noise our brain throws around and sift stuff to ignore the noise and keep the good. Most people without depression wade around in their shitty thoughts as though its they're the most worst affected on the planet, usually because they haven't had something truly terrifying or traumatic.

Seriously... from where you started this topic to your thoughts now, you aren't as bad as what maybe you're telling yourself. What I mean is... give yourself a lot more credit than maybe you are, in coping and handling your thoughts to dig your way out of the depressive spirals we can find ourselves within. You are actually doing really good, and I've poked around in a lot of peoples dark thoughts for 20 years now, and you are more dialled in than giving yourself credit. Give yourself the credit for being super rational about your thoughts. You are doing a pretty good job at it.

 

[Susan Jane]

Thank you. I get tired during my episodes. I write in for understanding and support, when I get scared. It is soothing when you feeling ready to give up. That is part of the mind f**k never being good enough

 

[Susan Jane]

Trying to make sense of the morning depression, it is so intense I feel so panicky. I think I cannot make it through another day. I get up shake off the stomach ache, the fog and the fear and sit on the porch with a decaf coffee. My brain is on overload and panic and I often cry/breath deeply to let out some of the noise. I then either go for a walk or do exercise, and start to get things done. Essential/everyday things. I am not working at the moment, as I have fallen back into a bad episode. I am thankful that I am able to do this with the help of my insurance. I know that this is not an option for everyone, although it should be when in this state. I am a competent person who has worked her whole life out of survival, and I know my body is saying no.. not at this time, you need to get better again. I start to feel better, not great but better and by the afternoons I mostly feel more motivated and more optimistic. I sometimes feel that all okay in the afternoon and I will wake up in a better state. This has not yet been my experience. This pattern is everyday. I am asking for other people's experiences. Does anyone have this pattern? If so how do you cope and not give into the morning time of true excruciating struggle of ....can I keep this up? I do not believe in God, so that doesn't help. I do believe in myself to a degree but this episode has been hanging on like glue. Thanks for any input.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I wake up with a feeling of despair almost everyday. I usually derealize to make it through the day and don't have the panicky symptoms at night when I'm alone. Talking about any of my coping strategies are useless since it's considered "harmful".

You're doing much better than you give credit for. Going for a walk and exercising does help a lot so maybe exercise at night as well? It makes sleep easier too.