Depression_SI_Panic_

[Susan Jane]

This dark deep episode is hanging on tightly. I am getting out of bed, eating, and exercising. Lately, I am having a lot of SI. I don't want to go, I want to stay and be content. The thoughts whirl from I am going to be okay, to I cannot take this anymore. I know this is not uncommon. Nevertheless, I am so tired, even though I am sleeping. I have a therapy session today, with a new T. I should be thrilled, but I have been living with this for so long, I know a new T can help a bit, but the magic tablet doesn't exist. This makes me so tired, and ready to give up. If I give up I have to go int the hospital again, and I don't want to be there, waiting in line for medication like a zombie, trading stories. I want to stay home and feel safe, but I don't feel hope at the moment. I have a support network of friends, but I cannot call them right now, I have nothing positive to say, and I don't want to disappoint everyone with my news it isn't getting better right now. Looking for some kind words of understanding or shared experience. I have enough books, videos and meditations to fill a library. I don't want to read anymore self help books, I got it, I have CPTSD and it sucks, I want to hear that someone is familiar with this and understands. Let us see if I get lucky

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have had times where I visit levels of despair that I didn’t even know existed. And later, even more layers of despair. For some reason I thought of Dante’s 7 levels of hell. I get it, I have CPTSD too. I am lucky as I am not cursed with constant depression but at times I visit some dark places. Strangely, I have not had any SI recently, not since I gave up on my marriage.

 

[arfie]

more empathy, susan. it's been a goodly while, but my memories of this desperation are with me as vividly today as they were a few decades ago when they were current and whelming. i still feel flashes of this desperation but the memory of having overcome keep me reminded that this, too, shall pass.

I know a new T can help a bit, but the magic tablet doesn't exist. This makes me so tired, and ready to give up.

i did give up during this phase. i gave up on my most dysfunctional habits and started opening my mind and heart to better ways. at first it felt like a generic giving up, but as i gave up fighting the process, i realized i was only giving up on the dysfunctional parts. i still wasn't able to put those pieces into words, so keeping it generic allowed the healing mysteries to work their magic without the need for preformed blueprints.

healing happens, susan. i hope it happens here. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer (by whatever name).

 

[Friday]

go, I want to stay and be content

What does that mean, to you? To stay, and be content?

Sorry for the th-rapey Q. But what you WANT, so do not have? Is like having a badass roadmap & a shelby mustang, with a full tank of gas.

What does STAYING & CONTENT… mean? What would give you that???

 

[anthony]

I want to hear that someone is familiar with this and understands. Let us see if I get lucky

Yep, totally understand. 20 years in and I still have thoughts of dying to make things easier for myself - constant fighting with myself at times. I have MDD due to PTSD / trauma. I have a lot of thoughts I can share with you about this, but I think your response to the below question may tie into what helps me rationalise the noise that pops in and out of my head.

I don't want to go, I want to stay and be content. The thoughts whirl from I am going to be okay, to I cannot take this anymore.

Please explain?

 

[Susan Jane]

I have had times where I visit levels of despair that I didn’t even know existed. And later, even more layers of despair. For some reason I thought of Dante’s 7 levels of hell. I get it, I have CPTSD too. I am lucky as I am not cursed with constant depression but at times I visit some dark places. Strangely, I have not had any SI recently, not since I gave up on my marriage.

I understand, it is amazing how much despair this all causes. I think that the CPTSD makes life's normal challenges so intense and , it is hard for me to regulate my anxiety. I think understanding this about my system make it easier for me to (at times) to cope. The depression is the most challenging, as it sets in when I am anxious, and feel I cannot take it anymore. Then the SI start. I know that I would call for help if it got out of control, but I am grateful that I can write this truth here on the forum, where I feel safe to be honest. I work through the day and get myself feeling stronger and sometimes I actual feel I have the stuff beat, and then the cycle starts the next day once again. I wish I had a mute button, for my anxiety about the future. I have had to take time off work. That scares the shit out of me, because working is how I survive all my anxiety about the future. I have been in survival mode since I was a young child, and I am safe now, but the feelings still haunt my sleep, my days and my life. It seems so simple, nothing bad is going to happen, and I am okay, but my subconscious doesn't get it. Onward to the next level of acceptance I guess.

 

[Susan Jane]

more empathy, susan. it's been a goodly while, but my memories of this desperation are with me as vividly today as they were a few decades ago when they were current and whelming. i still feel flashes of this desperation but the memory of having overcome keep me reminded that this, too, shall pass.

i did give up during this phase. i gave up on my most dysfunctional habits and started opening my mind and heart to better ways. at first it felt like a generic giving up, but as i gave up fighting the process, i realized i was only giving up on the dysfunctional parts. i still wasn't able to put those pieces into words, so keeping it generic allowed the healing mysteries to work their magic without the need for preformed blueprints.

healing happens, susan. i hope it happens here. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer (by whatever name).

I always appreciate your take Arfie, and maybe I need to surrender to it all, I have had this shit my entire life, and well sometimes it hits me as strange that I am still fighting the truth of it all. I still feel surrendering will eat me alive and I will go down the rabbit hole and never see the light again. Healing is such a long journey, and I had a real break through about two years ago and I was content, and having days where I was happy to be alive, I could feel love from my son and my friends which is something that usually evades me. I trusted no one and I wasn't able to reach out without the fear of rejection and abandonment. My T and I talk about this. We do telephone counseling and if he was 2 minutes late I would panic, sweat and shake. I would belittle myself for not being important...that is my abandonment trauma...the feelings saying please don't leave me in this scary place all alone. It overtakes me still but I can calm it down when I am stable. I haven't been as stable lately and these old feelings are pissed off and angry, and invading my nervous system big time.

 

[Susan Jane]

Yep, totally understand. 20 years in and I still have thoughts of dying to make things easier for myself - constant fighting with myself at times. I have MDD due to PTSD / trauma. I have a lot of thoughts I can share with you about this, but I think your response to the below question may tie into what helps me rationalise the noise that pops in and out of my head.

Please explain?

Thank you for your understanding it means a lot to be understood, makes it all real and not a fantasy which makes me feel bat shit crazy. I am sending my compassion for your struggles as well.

I want to be content means me enjoying the sun on my face, feeling the wind blow through my hair and the connection of being close to people I trust, and that being my life. I have tried other escapes, I drank, shopped, overworked, stayed in shitty relationships to distract myself from the noise. It doesn't work, not for long. The whirlwind is my fight of believing in the contentment I have felt and knowing that it will return, even for a few minutes and the pain of my trauma that leaves me in a childlike state of helplessness, and I have to escape it or I will go bonkers.

I want to stay and I want to feel those beautiful moments that I have experienced, in the last two years. It was magic. I am going for a walk now, as you have pointed out so many times, it helps so much and even though I am fighting myself, cause the aniexty to go out in the world is effin hard, I tell myself at least I am not holding onto the wall anymore trying to inch myself out, I am just uncomfortable and I can come home to safety if I need to.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I've been losing it for a couple of days but not enough to do anything drastic. Don't want the ambulance and fire truck to pay a visit or be sectioned so my lips are sealed. Don't think I've suffered enough for the way I'm feeling and it's impossible to just punish myself without taking up too much resources.

 

[arfie]

maybe I need to surrender to it all,

when i was continually fighting, i was the one who ended up with all the black eyes while my inner demons (perps, etc) laughed maniacally and sneakily in the shadows of my mind. in surrendering, i found myself better able be cognizant and aware of what i was dealing with. self-love and awareness became possible.

I trusted no one and I wasn't able to reach out without the fear of rejection and abandonment.

i believe trust was a key element in the surrendering. i wasn't inviting perps, etc., to return for unlimited access. i was trusting that healing can happen and there are good hearted souls and cosmic forces available to lean on. and they were there for me. they still are.

 

[Susan Jane]

What does that mean, to you? To stay, and be content?

Sorry for the th-rapey Q. But what you WANT, so do not have? Is like having a badass roadmap & a shelby mustang, with a full tank of gas.

What does STAYING & CONTENT… mean? What would give you that???

I think that feeling of being home, in myself, without anxiety gnawing at me, telling me I am not safe. Contentment in my heart, without all the noise playing. I feel like I am running from house to house begging someone to let me in, and protect me. I have been protecting myself all my life, and just finished raising my child. He is ready to go, spread his wings, and live. He was my main reason for surviving. I couldn't let him down, he deserved the home I never had. I did it, I provided that, and I am proud. I guess this transition is causing my panic. I am making progress, and I have days of peace. The fear is not based on facts, I have a roof over my head and, I have food. The fear is deep in my being, and I do not know how to tame it. I have many strategies, and I use them, but I battle my fears every day at the moment and it exhausts me and then the depression sets in. I raised my son in another country, Germany. I moved here because my ex-husband was German and he took a job. Due to my lack of family, I followed him. After the divorce, I stayed, so my son could have grandparents, as my parents were not around. My son is 24, and he is studying and wants to leave the town we both live in. I don't want to stay here alone, yes I have friends, but frankly, I don't feel like this is home. I want to speak my native language and be with people I feel more at home with. I thought about going home to Australia (my second home), but I am not feeling confident in getting a job, and finding housing. It used to be possible but the cost of living well, it is like everywhere, over the top. Secondly, my son and I would be miles apart. I cannot stay here and wait for him. He doesn't want that and neither do I. He is free, and he needs to live his life and find his place. I just do not know where my place is without him. I do not mean that in a dependent way, I do not depend on him. But leaving here feels like I am abandoning him, and that is my biggest fear, will he feel the pain I have felt. I am projecting, I know this, but it is a REAL fear for me, leaving him feeling lost, without family, he is an only child.

I visited Australia last year and I want to go back, it felt like home. I am hoping to figure out a way, once I get more stable with my emotions. The question is am I abandoning my child? Can I live with myself? He wants me to do what is best for me...and I am afraid to not be around if he needs me.....It is a blood vicious circle in my head. Thanks for the therapy ...any thoughts out there?

 

[anthony]

I want to stay and I want to feel those beautiful moments that I have experienced, in the last two years.

I think this is what maybe, you're just discarding. You have been experiencing exactly what you wanted, it's just right now, you're not, so you've jumped to a worst case scenario mindset. No, this isn't the power of positive thinking or any such nonsense. This is accepting that you have experienced what you like, you aren't right now, but there is no reason you won't go back to exactly what you liked feeling either.

This is the problem with wanting to die. We discard our positives and only see the present negatives, the dark clouds around us, but forget about all the sunshine in our life we have experienced. Whilst some of that is trauma, mental health, etc, some of that is also just life. Life is not unicorns and rainbows. We are our past, present and future, all at once.

My outcome of nearly dying is... firstly I was being selfish as f*ck. All I understood was my pain, but I forgot the pain I will inflict on those left behind that do love me, like me, will miss me, etc. I forgot the pain of someone finding me having killed myself. My act would traumatise another. Second, any pain in my life is a temporary experience. I know that from all of my past experience. I am not always unhappy, always wanting to die, always blah... I am sometimes these things, I am sometimes happy, I am sometimes more or less one or the other, but I seem to push myself towards being happy, content, enjoying life, instead of focusing on the stuff trying to drag me down.

I have explained over the years, PTSD is like this thing always looking for an in to drag you back into its sewer. One negative thing, and PTSD amplifies it to try and overwhelm me. I can't beat PTSD, but I can beat my thoughts and tell the negative stuff trying to drag me down, lying to me, to f*ck off and go do and think what I know is positive and good for me. I surround myself with good people, not shitty people, not people talking behind others backs and such, but good people who are generally happy with life. One of the biggest things I discovered for me, you really are who you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with depressed people, you will be depressed. If you surround yourself with outgoing go-getters, you will be outgoing and motivated to do stuff.

Thought = Action.