Derealization And Depersonalization

[AzureMind]

I've been dissociating to a degree that I am hoovering above my body and it looks often like "another" person...I observe the scene as if it were happening to "someone else"........scary thing is now, whenever I encounter a feeling that puts me into distress/panic mode, I do this, and I have created "others" who take on these feelings....even feelings that I'm not "allowed" to have.....the 'bad feelings"....weirder still, my body often feels numb (which is no surprise) like I'm wearing the same clothes as the "others" are wearing....I felt one time like I had armor on my chest, forearms, and shins....like a suit was on me....I even felt long hair when I'm in this trance....my hairs in a basic crew cut for guys....this isn't my physical body, but "another's"....I've been doing this for as long as I can remember, but NOTHING to this extent....this is somewhat alarming because i know that people don't go around wearing "armor" and swear everything's "peaches and cream"!! lol

I laugh about it, even though I'm nutzo, but I guess that's what a guy's gotta do..lol anyone else going through things like this? Am I in danger of some kind? Is this the beginning of something? I need some help here...this is cool, but strange....I mean I'm 22...I don't have time for "Kiddie Coral" stuff....so why is it getting so bad now?...

 

[scott_1971_h]

I have similar sensations. Dont know what to do about it though.

 

[AzureMind]

It's been going on for a while Scott, I'm practically used to it already, I just had to get it "off my back" so to speak....ya know I saved the "best part" for last though.....I "feel" these "others" "speaking" through me occasionally....it feels like...I'm being "invaded"....like I'm "sharing the stage with a partner".....there are times when I feel this "darkness, anger, hate" just flood me...but often times I don't remember what was said, because I was dissociated.....I only remember the feelings that happened pre-dissociation, and post....but DURING that.....nothing....I've been trying to really keep this under wraps by staying "grounded" and here in the "collective" rather than the "subjective" reality of my own inner world.....it's been hit or miss so far, but not any worse! lol

And don't worry.....even if nobody believes it, and thinks i'm just bat-shit insane, (which I very may well be lol) it's cool that some may not....I'm looking for some therapists before, I turn into a full-blown "Sybil" lol

 

[Crl1983]

I've been wondering whether I should share this in it's entirety ( I don't want people to think I'm crazy), I think I should. I am starting to become more comfortable here. Thank God I have here to talk about this stuff. This may trigger some so don't read if you feel like you may be triggered easily right now.
I've had some experiences like that, what some people call out of body experiences.. This was the worst one I've had...One night I went to sleep, and when I woke I had sleep paralysis (I get sleep paralysis often). This time, I was stuck as usual but my dad was somehow behind the bed, and he had his gun (the one he killed my sister with) and he shot me in the head. It was so weird, because I actually felt a heavy impact in my head and I could feel all the warmth pouring out of my head. Of course I freaked out, and started trying to break free of the paralysis. The best way I can explain this is that I rolled out of my body and hit the floor. I was looking around the room, and everything looked the same as it usually does, but everything was a blue-grey color. I looked up at my body on the bed, and then my nightstand and I saw my clock flashing "R.I.P" . I thought I really died,because my body was in the bed still. I looked over into the bathroom and there was this big, misty white form floating around. I woke up in my body shortly after this.

I tried to go back to sleep in another room in the dark (weird I know.. I used to be afraid of the dark but I have actually come to like the dark now, it comforts me in some strange way, maybe because it's easier to hide in the dark) and I was dissociating, and I felt like someone was stroking my hair and whispering to me as I fell asleep. When I woke I was out of my body. I actually went down the hallway and into the living room.I can't say I walked because It wasn't like walking, It was like I was trying to walk but I didn't remember how,it was so hard to move and I was actually floating. As before, everything was a blue-grey color. I made it to the living room and saw my fiance and kids on the computer and watching t.v.. I tried to get their attention but they couldn't see me or hear me. I made it to the front door and suddenly felt very drained and frightened, so I lay down behind the front door and shut my eyes. I awoke in the bed with a jolt, and my body was freezing cold all over. My body being ice cold like that was the scariest part of this whole experience. When I went back into the living room the crazy thing is they were all still doing exactly what I saw during the experience.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Azure, I believe you! And I do not think you are crazy. I think that is pretty amazing!! Who knows? Maybe an ancient warrior has come to visit you. I don't know what your beliefs are but I would LOVE to have an ancient warrior come to me!! I would ask him to make me strong!! I may be the crazy one, but that would not scare me at all.

This is not to diminish your fear. It is easy for someone looking outside, so I just want you to know that!!:)

And to Cr--your post made me have tears in my eyes! That must have been very scary. I do not think anyone here is insane at all.

I have had some of those experiences where I felt a presence and once I was stuck out of my body for almost two weeks. To this day, one T is sure I was psychotic, another, extended depersonalization, but it was so horrific and I also experienced things that cannot be explained. I have never shared or processed it but maybe I will one day.

How did you finally process it? MInd? Body? Spirit?

Short of those kind of ripping experiences, though, I do not mind and even welcome lesser ones. I hate my daily life filled with pain. I have a pain syndrome on top of the pTSD, PTSD related that right now is driving me to the brink. YES, I want to depersonalize and if I could go into a trance now, I would. But pain keeps you transfixed.......here..........now...........raw.

 

[Crl1983]

I don't like to acknowledge what I think about it, because the implications are terrifying for me. It very much felt real, and I know that I was terrified and had much trouble sleeping for awhile after that, and I got stuck in a dissociative state for a few days. I know OBEs are real in some way otherwise how could they happen? But I'm not sure in what sense they are real. The way they started for me.. it was a gradual thing, and that makes it seem like more than just imagination. For example, the first time I had an OBE it was "partial". I awoke stuck in sleep paralysis (It's usually when I get sleep paralysis that these things happen) and I was fighting so hard to move that I felt something separate, a kind of tearing away but inside if that makes any sense. I saw my arm reach outside of my physical arm. The arm that reached out (I called it a ghost arm because I could almost see through it) , was trying to grab the lamp beside my bed to turn the light on, but my hand just kept passing through it. So I gave up, feeling helpless, and closed my eyes and then woke up. After this first episode, every one after that there was an increase in how much of me came out of my body, and how much I could do. This makes me feel as though I truly left my body and that as I was learning I became better at it. I believe tearing away from my body started as a way to escape the truly scary episodes of sleep paralysis and then escalated out of my control quickly.

The things that happened in that worst episode were especially horrifying because in real life, after my sister died we found a note that he had made her write at some point (long story, and not ready to go into it yet) which said he was going to kill the whole family. I also have had nightmares where he admitted what his intentions had been, and not in a nice manner. When I try to analyze my experiences that involve him I become too horrified to face what it could mean. I did have one, incredible OBE experience where I actually traveled to the most beautiful place. My post is long enough so I will cut it short a bit. It was my sister, and she let me know she was okay, beyond okay.. and showed me a piece of where she was. The feelings she conveyed to me and let me get a taste of during this were indescribable, the best way I can put it which doesn't even come close is: a complete freedom, astounding love, well above and beyond what we in this world consider joy and ecstasy. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had and it made me believe there is without a doubt something on the other side, after we pass on.

 

[Crl1983]

Azuremind, for some reason what you described reminds me of this song from the movie The Crow. It's called Dead Souls by Nine Inch Nails. Your post gave me chills. I don't think you are crazy.

 

[AzureMind]

Azure, I believe you! And I do not think you are crazy. I think that is pretty amazing!! Who knows? Maybe an ancient warrior has come to visit you. I don't know what your beliefs are but I would LOVE to have an ancient warrior come to me!! I would ask him to make me strong!! I may be the crazy one, but that would not scare me at all.

This is not to diminish your fear. It is easy for someone looking outside, so I just want you to know that!!:)

Well, OKRADLAK, I guess that sorta makes two of us in that I think I'm not, and I HOPE I'm not crazy, and yea, it does make it a little easier to have the outside perspective; the human mind is a POWERFUL thing, that much I know, I'll talk a little bit about "him" .....I know he's one of my gaurdians....I have others, some look like fighters, some look like regular folks, a few are kids.

I've seen him in my mind.....he's VERY scary looking....smiling this cocky, twisted grin....his skin is almost anemic pale coloring, he's got a black suit on with blue armor on it with golden detailing, and LOONG blue hair with white streaks in it, and his eyes are silver....and he guards a door in my mind like some of the others....he says "I got this....don't wanna look in THERE do ya?" and laughs...I hear screaming and yelling on the other side of it....I'm scared of it.....he just smiles and watches...and laughs....JEEZUS the dude is FREAKY....but he's here.....I don't know WHAT to think of HIM most times, but he does take care of "that" for me....I don't even feel comfortable talking about this online it's so weird....it's comforting to know that the guy is just "built for pain" but....idk...

It's weird....I know it is to the average person....that's why I've PARTIALLY avoided dating.....how do you explain this to a potential date/mate? This is the DOWNSIDE of it....normal life? huh, what's that? lol

 

[AzureMind]

Crl1983 I apologize, there are very "Creepy/Disturbed" aspects of my mind I suppose.....A scary guy for a scary situation is most appropriate, is it not? ;)

One time I was talking outloud trying to remember where I placed something and "something" in me spoke and said "So? Who cares?" It freaked the HELL out of me, because it wasn't a thought I had, and something just said it....I was COMPLETELY unaware of it....it was as if someone said it to me..... so you can imagine I was caught off gaurd by that, and the fact that NO ONE was in my room with me but ME.....NUTZ....lol

 

[Ruth]

Only crazy people think they are normal. I am in good company. Thanks to everyone for your honesty.