Desire Sexual Punishment

[lostforgottensoul]

@EveHarrington you'll be ok! I dont pray but i'll send you hugs!

For the negitive thoughts, try CBT (or go back into it if you'll done it). It really does work!

I think its overdue to shut down the friendship of the sex only guy in my opinion. The other friend, maybe a pause is what you need.

No matter what, take care of yourself and:

Maybe I am only good for sex since I can't seem to make friends who like me for me,

I like you for you for whatever thats worth! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

This thread has been a mixed blessing for me to follow. Knowing that this isn't something freakishly unique, no else in the world like, about me and how I feel I need to treat myself sometimes - that's been huge for me.

But Eve, watching you struggle with this same demon has been so hard to watch, trying to will you not to go down that road... The damage that this form of self-punishment does is so immense - the feeling that this is something that must urgently done is so overwhelming, but the outcome if you give in...

To hear you say that you've fought it, and won, even just for today, even just for right now, brings such a huge relief. It doesn't matter if you don't believe you deserve so much better yet - that belief will come with time, and being able to allow yourself to treat yourself with care in the meantime, even if you don't feel it, so important.

The mountain you've had to climb over to get where you are now, having decided to block these guys - I totally understand how much of a mountain that is to overcome. I'm cheering you on quietly from the sidelines, hoping that you find some peace within yourself, and if this demon ever pokes its head out again, I'll still be here, quietly cheering you on to fill your life with goodness.

Peace and calm to you Eve. Thoughts are with you.

 

[EveHarrington]

All over the place.

Why do I do this to myself?

I have no idea.

Toying with the idea that this is my lot in life and I should just accept it.

Maybe some people aren't meant to be loved or even liked for more than just sex?

Predictable.

Tried to talk things over with the friend guy. Completely shut out. Tells my brain that yeah if a friend wants sex you better agree to give it to them because if you don't then the friendship is over.

Of course------started messaging the sex guy again because at least I get cuddles from him once in a blue moon. How sad/pathetic am I? Here, you can have my body, do whatever because I'm desperate for human touch and can't get that anywhere.

Nobody knows my dirty little secret. I'm already the odd one out. If anyone found out about my struggle I wouldn't ever be able to look them in the eye again.

Shame.

People only see the PTSD symptoms. They have no idea what it's like inside. They have no idea about this particular behavior of mine as I keep it private. They have no idea that it's so incredibly far beyond the listed PTSD criteria. Overcome PTSD? Sure, why not? That's the easy part! (I hope you understand what I'm saying here.) The rest lingers and serves to paralyze me.

I'm like a hit and run accident. Always finding someone new who is outside my circle or even within 6 degrees of my circle because then I'm ensured that A) they've never heard of me and I truly am a blank slate and B) when it all goes kaboom, nobody else will ever know. The shame can't "follow" me in (or is that precede me?) and it can't follow me out.

I'd like to think that I'm actually trying but maybe that's just a lie that I tell myself? Maybe I'm not actually trying because I'm not really changing anything as the old patterns persist?

Maybe the thought of being alone for the rest of my life and never being touched or even being liked for myself is just too much for me to handle. Maybe I really am that weak?

The physical symptoms are kicking in so I must stop now.

 

[mary1979]

You are the real you here and are respected and even admired for it @EveHarrington.

People think they are anonymous online so tend to share more of themselves, and we here with similar life experiences see more of the real you than even you yourself may realise.

I like the real Eve, have since I first read your posts.
There's something fierce and strong that comes across in your writing do you see that?

Thinking if you xxx

Oh and one last thought, you cant leave the shame behind with those strangers, you bring it all with you wherever you go, even if no one else knows.
It haunts me too xxx

 

[Sideways]

Changing these deeply embedded core beliefs, taught to us by our abuser, is a slow process. But you are changing. Your self-loathing is clouding your judgment there, so take the word of an outsider looking in: you are changing.

If you're anything like me, this is gonna make you angry, but I'm gonna say it anyway because it's the truth: you are courageous and loveable and worthy of the greatest amount of respect. And you could come back here and try and blow my socks off with stories of things you've done or thought about doing and you would still have nothing, not one thing, to feel ashamed about.

Hope you find some peace with yourself. Thoughts are with you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree with both @mary1979 and @Ragdoll Circus from the outside of your filtered view of you, you are: strong, courageous, loveable, worth of the greatest amount of respect and love, you deserve to be loved and held and not used for sex! But it will take time, you are fighting it and that is good as the more you do the more you change.

Remember though, you must fail to learn, like a baby must fall to learn how to walk, leave yourself the room to fail and not be so hard on yourself. Just pick yourself up and try again, its ok and doesnt change your worth! Just like when i slip and do anything i do, would you tell me that just because i went out and let guys do anything they wanted to me that now im a dirty whore? Thats how i feel but think of what you'd say to me. It doesnt change that you are worth more, and its ok.

We all want to be touched and loved and once you get it, even if you have to have sex to get it, its hard to let it go because we all crave just having human touch, ever since the moment of our birth thats one thing we all humans crave and it doesnt change as an adult. Its ok and it doesnt change your worth (nothing does)! :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

But you are changing. Your self-loathing is clouding your judgment there, so take the word of an outsider looking in: you are changing.

Agreed.

Change is slow, goes up and down, never in an orderly straight line.

 

[Lionheart]

I have not be able to completely read all of the posts in this thread so, I apologize if I am repeating things that have already been said.

I went through what you described in your original post and it sounds to me like repititon compulsion. I am including a wikipedia link on the subject to help you educate yourself about this phenomena and then you can decide for yourself if this fits for your behaviors and experiences.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

If the link doesn't work or if you can't copy and paste it then I would suggest to google the term repitition compulsion.

best of luck to you,
Lionheart777

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Retracted

 

[Lionheart]

The exact condition I was diagnosed with was called "abuse specific repitition compulsion" Meaning I sought out men who resembled my abuse perps in some way and allowed myself to be used and abused,...compulsively.

I would get drunk feel guilty and bad about myself which triggered another episode of repitition compusion and then after that another drinking binge and so on. I kept repeating this cycle over and over.

I got to the point where I would rather have died than to continue that way and that is when I sought professional help from a trauma specialist. The trauma specialist referred me to an expert who assured me that I am predominately heterosexual and that the problems I was having stemmed from early sexual child abuse.

Repitition compulsion was an attempt to have control over the situation and to understand what happened as well as a cry for help to tell the world how badly I felt about myself. Once I understood this and dealt with my core issues, all I had to do is wrestle down the habit until I was free of it. I no longer subject myself to others sexual whims /abusive behaviors and I am very happy that, that chapter of my life is closed.

This has not been an easy subject for me to talk about and I hope that it helps others to understand their own desires and brings some relief and healing!!!

 

[EveHarrington]

I am once again requesting no side conversations in my thread. Please take side conversations (where you are responding to someone who is not me and discussing things that aren't related to what I'm going through ie discussing your own struggles) elsewhere as requested. This issue has already been addressed once by mods and @anthony came and posted about the conversation staying on topic. This is not directed at you @Lionheart777 even though you are right before this reply.

I don't think that people understand how much off topic posting can indeed hurt the OP. Do you realize how horrible it feels to not only put yourself out there and ask for help for such a sensitive topic and then have your own voice drowned out like you don't matter? It SUCKS! It hurts, and I feel like why did I bother? Why did I ask for help when I it feels like I'm not in the room anymore?

@lostforgottensoul I am asking you nicely to not post in my thread anymore.

 

[joeylittle]

They have no idea that it's so incredibly far beyond the listed PTSD criteria.

I don't know if this will help, or not - but reckless and/or self-destructive behavior is, actually, a symptom. So is having extreme/exaggerated negative thoughts about the self, as in:

Toying with the idea that this is my lot in life and I should just accept it.

Maybe some people aren't meant to be loved or even liked for more than just sex?

I'm not offering this to say that your thoughts or feelings aren't real - only to say that, these are symptoms of PTSD, and while most folks who walk down the street probably don't have a full understanding of what it means to have PTSD - these things you are experiencing are legitimate symptoms, actual criteria - not some strange other thing that points to you having an abnormal form of PTSD, or some strange other problems that can't be explained.

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. I can relate to many of the feelings, thoughts, and actions that you are describing. I barely know you, except from on the forum, but I feel like I can confidently say that you are good for more than sex, and you deserve just as much love as anyone. But I also understand that positive thoughts cause pain, when those positive things seem so far away.