Eve, my heart goes out to you. You are by no means alone in this at all.
I was really struck by what you wrote here:
More like----punish me, punish me, PUNISH ME-----make me feel bad! I don't want to re-enact the past but I don't know how else to get rid of these feelings! I want to hurt bad. :(
Just talking here to you is grounding for me but when I think of either of them or try to work through the issues with them in my head, I start to go into extreme panic mode and my mind starts to run away emotionally. I think I need to do all I can to remove myself from it all for now, even though I hate feeling like I'm running from the problem.
It's now more of a feeling of wanting to hurt myself, by myself rather than involving another person. I don't know why I want that pain so bad-----it scares me.
All I know is that I hurt and I want to hurt more. I am crossing so many boundaries that it isn't even funny.
You can totally disregard my suggestion if it doesn't fit for you at all... but I wonder if at the core of this, it's not really about sex. The way you talk about this reminds me of how I can get with self injury. I want to punish me, and cause pain to myself. At my very darkest, I have sought out others to hurt me too.
And usually, it's because of something I'm trying to run away from or emotions that seem intolerable. Really intense impulsive urges to act out are usually about pain that the person is trying to escape or find some relief from. Sometimes, the acting out compulsive act has very little to do with the actual thing someone is trying to escape, but it's just an intense enough draw to pull them away from it.
If things were overall going great for you, and you had these urges, it would seem different to me. But throughout this thread, you describe other symptoms flaring up and other ways that you are struggling, like not eating for long periods at a time. That alone suggests that you are so desperate for pain relief, perhaps you are subconsciously (or consciously) trying to use your body to regulate. Pain is a way to regulate. It's not healthy and it is confusing - but people self injure and it causes real pain, and it also can provide some internal orgnaization and a real endorphin rush.
Sex combined with pain is an even more massive endorphin rush - and that might be what is the real draw. Especially with how you write about just wanting the pain of it.
Maybe the long term solution might lie in looking at the bigger picture. Looking at what else is happening for you right now, and even if you can't talk to your therapist about this, maybe you could tell your therapist vaguely that you have impulses to engage in what you feel are unhealthy ways of coping, you can't talk about it, but you need some help finding strong enough replacements - and to reduce the pain you are in already so you don't feel drawn to pain to regulate emotions.
I think you are wise to try to back off from it for right now, at least until it feels less impulsive and more of a thoughtful choice. Sex is a great stress reliever, but you seem to feel so frustrated with how compulsive it is for you.
Maybe try grounding whenever the urges to act out sexually come up. Or distract or engage in mindfulness techniques - even hold ice. There is also a trauma focused CBT technique that can help urges go by more quickly by "urge surfing"... Finding ways to get different safe strong sensations might help too.
And if none of this helps, or it has already been said and my brain somehow skipped over it, please disregard. I hope today is going a little easier for you.
