SpiritFree
Bronze Member
I grew up in a small 2 bedroom household with a father and my stay at home mother along with a brother who is 13 years older. Between the ages of 5 - 15 I had to deal with issues that I did not know how to handle. I was molested numerous times for a period of 6 years (Not immediate family). I was 5 when the first molestation occur. Immediately, I felt shame YET! I did not carry any guilt. For some odd reason, I knew it was not my fault what had happened. I do not know why I had that strong mentality to realize "hey it is not my fault..move on" attitude but I had it. A few months after that incident, my life began to change not for the better but for the worse. Oddly enough, I recall my first day in Kindergarten where I had my first experience of being bullied physically and verbally. Unknown that it would be something I would experience for many years to come.
Meanwhile at home, once my brother turned 18 years old he became the sole person to discipline me at home because father was at work. It began with the hand then graduated to belt then wrench, rocks then came the punches. I cried out to my mother but to no avail. I felt as if I was in a whirlwind of turmoil that was coming against me. The molestation and the bullying from school still continue much, meanwhile my brother was getting physically abusive including verbal as he hit me saying I was fat, stupid, ugly. After he finish he locked me up in my bedroom never to come out until dinner. There was not much to do in the room except sleep.
The worst of the school bullying came when the bully cornered me as I was walking home and he had a baseball bat. I was like 9 years old. I felt he was going to kill me, I then began to beg him to let me go as I cried. I told him I had an appointment for a dentist if I do not show up they would come looking for me. For some odd reason, he was staring up and without saying a word he drops the bat and goes to his house and I ran home never saying anything for out of fear.
The beating from my brother got intense that I had a bad feeling that I would pass away if it is not stopped. He once told me "I'm doing this because I love you". What! I witness his intense rage at me when he grabbed me and toss me on the floor, and then picked me up from the floor by my shirt collar, then he slammed me against the wall where my head bounced 3 times. He punched me 3 times in the stomach where I fell on the floor again and he dragged me to my room by the tip of my hair. About 3 days after that incident, I remember standing in the hallway then suddenly I found myself in the dining with no recollection of how I got there. I remember standing at Point A but no memory walking to Point B. I knew what just occur was a result from my head hitting the wall when he slammed me. Also there was an incident where he demanded for me to pull my pants and underwear down. God that shame came back but this time I did not have that attitude I had back then.
As I reached 10 I had some self confidence but I was losing it. I had my first experience of a panic attack as I headed out to see grandma. That episode was the first and last for up to several years. Too comfort myself I started to focus on food. I remember the very first item was a Kraft American Cheese in a wrap. I remember holding it and telling myself "I'm not hungry, why am I holding this?", but when I placed it in my mouth it felt comforting. That was the beginning of my journey into a world of morbid obesity as an adult. To prevent facing my brother, I would stay in my room and all I did was listen to the radio and sleep. I knew it was not normal but my family didn't bother to notice. Looking back, I realize I was going thru severe depression.
My father is a good man. He was a strong provider, a wonderful husband and simply a good person at Heart; however his weakness was discipline. At time, he and my brother would take turns disciplining me at the same time. My father used only a belt but he was not bother how my brother hit me. The only worse I remember is when I had to go to the ER over a stupid ingrown toenail in Mexico City. I was like 11 at that time. My father family made it into a big issue, so we all went to the ER. Knowing we would return back to the US in 2 days, I did not see why go to the ER. We got there and they wanted to inject Antiobiotic into me, but I refuse I try not to let them. Well my father got mad, and slapped me so hard that blood splatter from the nose, on the cubicle walls, floor and on the table and my clothes. I turned around and saw the nurse in shock. Right there and then I stopped being "daddy little girl". Then I had to put up with his remark about my weight.
Where is mom? Well she is always busy in the kitchen. Looking back I believe she was in denial of what was happening. She herself came from an abusive home. She protected me so much that it smothered me. I was not allow to play with other kids in their home nor were they allow to come play at my house because she feared they would break things in our home. I also was not allow to join Girl Scouts or any other group activities because of the group meeting being late after school. I couldn't even go out and sell candies for the church fundraising. I was only to sell at church. I know nothing about business but heck I thought why would I be selling my candies if my competitors alaready sold theirs , I wanted to go door to door bringing an adult. Anyway I felt so suffocated in this family. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but what I resent is that all I did was spent my days locked in my room sleeping and crying and eating. Too bad if she knew her over protecting did not help.
Like I stated the molestations stopped when I was 11. The bullying began in Kindergarten and ended when I graduated from High School. As for my brother, he started to hit me when I was 5 and it waned when I was 15 but he controlled me emotionally afterwards. At the age of 15, that is when I got another episode of a panic attack as I was leaving the school ground. I did not understand what was happening. Again, it happened once and no more, not knowing the worse was coming down the road.
Turning 18 should be a time of spreading your wings, but for me it was not. I developed Agoraphobia and was not able to leave the house until I was 29. That is how bad it got to me. At the age of 25, I asked my brother if I can start working. That was a wake up call and I realize how much control he had over me.
Well now I am currently in my early 50's, I have somewhat overcome my Agoraphobia until now. I have been unemployed, and it looks like it wants to make a come back. I have a hard time in a job interviews especially in a panel interview due to the fact I can't handle anyone who is authoritative position like supervisors or managers. I fear them. I feel stupid to hold a job or learn anything. Now I'm falling into depression and anger because now I see people born after me and before me getting married and having children. While I am not, I do not want to get married because what I remember my father telling when I was like 25 "I hope your future husband break your jaw" and what hurts me deeply I always wanted to be a mother but now it is too late. I am morbid obese because that will keep men away from hurting me again. However, I am hurting myself health wise. It angers me to look back and realize how much I wasted my life. I wanted to start a business, go to a university and learn new things, and live life. I feel I'm old for all this now. I am just sitting here on this Earth and waiting to be called "home". A part of me I'm glad I do not have children, because I do not want that crap pass down into the next generation but it hurts so much not to have them.
My parents have passed away and I have forgiven them. My brother lives 2 hours away which makes it much better for me, but I still fear him. I feel I have to report to him about my life. He is not married so I am so happy about that. He does not deserve to be a father neither. The last time I witness his rage was back in 1993. My parents were gone, and he thought our puppy was going to urinate (the puppy was already house-trained) and he started to kick the puppy. Hearing the puppy , this rage rise inside me, a pure hatred for him. I wanted to grab him and hit him but then the little girl with the fear came back and I just stood in my room.
Even now, if he comes (which is rare) I stay in my room. I refuse to be in the same room with him.
The little girl with a self confidence, and desire to learn, and even start a business is flickering inside me. I buried her many years ago and I want her back. Of course, I can go back in age but I want that spirit that was inside her to return. I want to toss that insecurity, feeling worthless, depression, and panic attacks to go away forever. I am glad I found this forum, I hope to make some friends, and learn from others and support each other in this forum.
Meanwhile at home, once my brother turned 18 years old he became the sole person to discipline me at home because father was at work. It began with the hand then graduated to belt then wrench, rocks then came the punches. I cried out to my mother but to no avail. I felt as if I was in a whirlwind of turmoil that was coming against me. The molestation and the bullying from school still continue much, meanwhile my brother was getting physically abusive including verbal as he hit me saying I was fat, stupid, ugly. After he finish he locked me up in my bedroom never to come out until dinner. There was not much to do in the room except sleep.
The worst of the school bullying came when the bully cornered me as I was walking home and he had a baseball bat. I was like 9 years old. I felt he was going to kill me, I then began to beg him to let me go as I cried. I told him I had an appointment for a dentist if I do not show up they would come looking for me. For some odd reason, he was staring up and without saying a word he drops the bat and goes to his house and I ran home never saying anything for out of fear.
The beating from my brother got intense that I had a bad feeling that I would pass away if it is not stopped. He once told me "I'm doing this because I love you". What! I witness his intense rage at me when he grabbed me and toss me on the floor, and then picked me up from the floor by my shirt collar, then he slammed me against the wall where my head bounced 3 times. He punched me 3 times in the stomach where I fell on the floor again and he dragged me to my room by the tip of my hair. About 3 days after that incident, I remember standing in the hallway then suddenly I found myself in the dining with no recollection of how I got there. I remember standing at Point A but no memory walking to Point B. I knew what just occur was a result from my head hitting the wall when he slammed me. Also there was an incident where he demanded for me to pull my pants and underwear down. God that shame came back but this time I did not have that attitude I had back then.
As I reached 10 I had some self confidence but I was losing it. I had my first experience of a panic attack as I headed out to see grandma. That episode was the first and last for up to several years. Too comfort myself I started to focus on food. I remember the very first item was a Kraft American Cheese in a wrap. I remember holding it and telling myself "I'm not hungry, why am I holding this?", but when I placed it in my mouth it felt comforting. That was the beginning of my journey into a world of morbid obesity as an adult. To prevent facing my brother, I would stay in my room and all I did was listen to the radio and sleep. I knew it was not normal but my family didn't bother to notice. Looking back, I realize I was going thru severe depression.
My father is a good man. He was a strong provider, a wonderful husband and simply a good person at Heart; however his weakness was discipline. At time, he and my brother would take turns disciplining me at the same time. My father used only a belt but he was not bother how my brother hit me. The only worse I remember is when I had to go to the ER over a stupid ingrown toenail in Mexico City. I was like 11 at that time. My father family made it into a big issue, so we all went to the ER. Knowing we would return back to the US in 2 days, I did not see why go to the ER. We got there and they wanted to inject Antiobiotic into me, but I refuse I try not to let them. Well my father got mad, and slapped me so hard that blood splatter from the nose, on the cubicle walls, floor and on the table and my clothes. I turned around and saw the nurse in shock. Right there and then I stopped being "daddy little girl". Then I had to put up with his remark about my weight.
Where is mom? Well she is always busy in the kitchen. Looking back I believe she was in denial of what was happening. She herself came from an abusive home. She protected me so much that it smothered me. I was not allow to play with other kids in their home nor were they allow to come play at my house because she feared they would break things in our home. I also was not allow to join Girl Scouts or any other group activities because of the group meeting being late after school. I couldn't even go out and sell candies for the church fundraising. I was only to sell at church. I know nothing about business but heck I thought why would I be selling my candies if my competitors alaready sold theirs , I wanted to go door to door bringing an adult. Anyway I felt so suffocated in this family. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but what I resent is that all I did was spent my days locked in my room sleeping and crying and eating. Too bad if she knew her over protecting did not help.
Like I stated the molestations stopped when I was 11. The bullying began in Kindergarten and ended when I graduated from High School. As for my brother, he started to hit me when I was 5 and it waned when I was 15 but he controlled me emotionally afterwards. At the age of 15, that is when I got another episode of a panic attack as I was leaving the school ground. I did not understand what was happening. Again, it happened once and no more, not knowing the worse was coming down the road.
Turning 18 should be a time of spreading your wings, but for me it was not. I developed Agoraphobia and was not able to leave the house until I was 29. That is how bad it got to me. At the age of 25, I asked my brother if I can start working. That was a wake up call and I realize how much control he had over me.
Well now I am currently in my early 50's, I have somewhat overcome my Agoraphobia until now. I have been unemployed, and it looks like it wants to make a come back. I have a hard time in a job interviews especially in a panel interview due to the fact I can't handle anyone who is authoritative position like supervisors or managers. I fear them. I feel stupid to hold a job or learn anything. Now I'm falling into depression and anger because now I see people born after me and before me getting married and having children. While I am not, I do not want to get married because what I remember my father telling when I was like 25 "I hope your future husband break your jaw" and what hurts me deeply I always wanted to be a mother but now it is too late. I am morbid obese because that will keep men away from hurting me again. However, I am hurting myself health wise. It angers me to look back and realize how much I wasted my life. I wanted to start a business, go to a university and learn new things, and live life. I feel I'm old for all this now. I am just sitting here on this Earth and waiting to be called "home". A part of me I'm glad I do not have children, because I do not want that crap pass down into the next generation but it hurts so much not to have them.
My parents have passed away and I have forgiven them. My brother lives 2 hours away which makes it much better for me, but I still fear him. I feel I have to report to him about my life. He is not married so I am so happy about that. He does not deserve to be a father neither. The last time I witness his rage was back in 1993. My parents were gone, and he thought our puppy was going to urinate (the puppy was already house-trained) and he started to kick the puppy. Hearing the puppy , this rage rise inside me, a pure hatred for him. I wanted to grab him and hit him but then the little girl with the fear came back and I just stood in my room.
Even now, if he comes (which is rare) I stay in my room. I refuse to be in the same room with him.
The little girl with a self confidence, and desire to learn, and even start a business is flickering inside me. I buried her many years ago and I want her back. Of course, I can go back in age but I want that spirit that was inside her to return. I want to toss that insecurity, feeling worthless, depression, and panic attacks to go away forever. I am glad I found this forum, I hope to make some friends, and learn from others and support each other in this forum.
