what you write as your experience with her over 20 years sounds like abuse. People break under such circumstances all the time. Your damed if you do, dammed if you don't. I almost want to tell you maybe you should run like wind. Maybe your cheating was an attempt at your own freedom from feeling like a hostage
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Friday
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Putting on my staff hat for a moment...
I’ve changed the prefix of your thread, as Supporter simply indicates that your relationship to PTSD / what brings you here is that of a friend, family member, etc., rather than having it yourself (sufferer), investigating the possibility of having it yourself (undiagnosed), or the personal/professional interest of a student, researcher, journalist, artist, etc. (Other).
If you -or anyone else- would like to discuss ^^^this policy ^^^ please use Contact Us , rather than replying in thread.
Thanks! :D
...We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread...
I’ve changed the prefix of your thread, as Supporter simply indicates that your relationship to PTSD / what brings you here is that of a friend, family member, etc., rather than having it yourself (sufferer), investigating the possibility of having it yourself (undiagnosed), or the personal/professional interest of a student, researcher, journalist, artist, etc. (Other).
If you -or anyone else- would like to discuss ^^^this policy ^^^ please use Contact Us , rather than replying in thread.
Thanks! :D
...We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread...
Friday
Sponsor
Welcome to the community :)
There’s always a line, but a good couples counselor will help you be able to mind that line fairly easily. There’s a big difference between rebuilding, punishment, and abuse.
People unfamiliar with infidelity often miscatagorize rebuilding as punishment or abuse, or the opposite, and see punishment and abuse as rebuilding.
That’s part of why a skilled impartial observer is so durn useful in helping couples learn to identify and navigate those lines.
PTSD is one of the “big” disorders (like autism, adhd, bipolar disorder, dyslexia,etc.) That needs specialized treatment, rather than generalized treatment.
Sexual assault doesn’t need specialized treatment in and of itself. A marriage and family therapist (MFT) will usually deal with loads and loads of sexual assault that has affected peoples lives in different ways that doesn’t progress to having caused a disorder in their practice. Once it has progressed to a disorder, the ethical ones won’t attempt to treat it, as its outside of their skill set, but will refer them on to a specialist.
The exact same way a reading tutor will teach a lot of people with reading difficulties to read, but refer dyslexics to a specialist; a GP will treat a lot of blood pressure patients, but refer serious heart problems to a Cardiologist; etc. It’s about getting someone the best care, by the best trained people.
Ethical MFTs will refer Trauma Clients onto Trauma Therapists
***
What you and your wife are probably going to looking for is something called a “Trauma Informed MFT” (for the both of you)
This is someone who is educated enough in trauma to be able to treat the Marriage & Family problems without stumbling face first into trauma issues, rather than attempting to do both MFT & Trauma.
Lots and lots of MFTs specialize this way. Whether it’s trauma, childhood disorders (autism for example), medical conditions (cancer for example), etc... they’re very practiced at understanding there are different issues in play, that they work around / leave to other professionals, and consider themselves part of TEAM treatment. They do what here good at, and work in a structure that accounts for other major issues in play.
AND (maybe... depending on whether she actually needs trauma therapy, or whether the infidelity & stress has simply kicked her symptoms -that she’s well versed at dealing with) A Trauma Therapist for herself.
OR ... A trauma therapist who also does Marriage and Family Therapy. Although this tends to be rarer. Trauma Therapy is a specialty that takes several years longer to acquire than just an MFT license, so whilst it’s common for trauma therapists to work with families in regards to trauma, it’s rarer for them to set their specialty aside to work on couples counseling. It does happen. It’s just not super common.
That’s a really common, and usually very necessary, core component of reconciliation. Neither it, nor the other common pieces (total transparency, etc. that are part of rebuilding trust) guarantee reconciliation, but the definitely increase the odds of it.
There’s always a line, but a good couples counselor will help you be able to mind that line fairly easily. There’s a big difference between rebuilding, punishment, and abuse.
People unfamiliar with infidelity often miscatagorize rebuilding as punishment or abuse, or the opposite, and see punishment and abuse as rebuilding.
That’s part of why a skilled impartial observer is so durn useful in helping couples learn to identify and navigate those lines.
That’s actually a good thing.
PTSD is one of the “big” disorders (like autism, adhd, bipolar disorder, dyslexia,etc.) That needs specialized treatment, rather than generalized treatment.
Sexual assault doesn’t need specialized treatment in and of itself. A marriage and family therapist (MFT) will usually deal with loads and loads of sexual assault that has affected peoples lives in different ways that doesn’t progress to having caused a disorder in their practice. Once it has progressed to a disorder, the ethical ones won’t attempt to treat it, as its outside of their skill set, but will refer them on to a specialist.
The exact same way a reading tutor will teach a lot of people with reading difficulties to read, but refer dyslexics to a specialist; a GP will treat a lot of blood pressure patients, but refer serious heart problems to a Cardiologist; etc. It’s about getting someone the best care, by the best trained people.
Ethical MFTs will refer Trauma Clients onto Trauma Therapists
***
What you and your wife are probably going to looking for is something called a “Trauma Informed MFT” (for the both of you)
This is someone who is educated enough in trauma to be able to treat the Marriage & Family problems without stumbling face first into trauma issues, rather than attempting to do both MFT & Trauma.
Lots and lots of MFTs specialize this way. Whether it’s trauma, childhood disorders (autism for example), medical conditions (cancer for example), etc... they’re very practiced at understanding there are different issues in play, that they work around / leave to other professionals, and consider themselves part of TEAM treatment. They do what here good at, and work in a structure that accounts for other major issues in play.
AND (maybe... depending on whether she actually needs trauma therapy, or whether the infidelity & stress has simply kicked her symptoms -that she’s well versed at dealing with) A Trauma Therapist for herself.
OR ... A trauma therapist who also does Marriage and Family Therapy. Although this tends to be rarer. Trauma Therapy is a specialty that takes several years longer to acquire than just an MFT license, so whilst it’s common for trauma therapists to work with families in regards to trauma, it’s rarer for them to set their specialty aside to work on couples counseling. It does happen. It’s just not super common.
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Justmehere
Sponsor
My guess, from how this played out, this might have been a co-dependent relationship in the past (I could be totally wrong on this), without much in terms of boundaries and you being responsible for you, and her being responsible for herself. You started to get burned out, you acted out and wrongfully broke her trust and cheated, looking for pleasure and escape in another. You are feeling abandoned and scared to lose her, and now trying to center your life around her well being, falling further into co-dependency, hoping it will save the relationship. That's not to say if this relationship can be saved or not... but it's probably going to take you working on you, her working on herself (and that's going to be up to her to be willing to do) and you both establishing some responsibility over yourselves.
The skills you need to learn are you manage you, and your reactions. You can not and will not be able to control her. She will need to work on handling her emotions and symptoms. No matter what you have done, you can't be the person that does all the work to manage what she is feeling. That would be going back to the old patterns. You are spot on that you'll have to become very good at managing your own reactions.
It's not so black and white. You were not all perfect before, and you are not all terrible now. Thing is, all relationships are about two messy people coming together with all their good and all their flaws and making it work. You are on the right path to take responsibility for your mistake, and she'll have to work on herself and working out if she can forgive and engage in building trust again. It will be an uphill battle.
Is she willing to look into a couples counselor that she is willing to see? Would you be willing to see that person? It might be more effective to help her feel empowered to tell her you will go to someone she chooses. Either way, this is a good step you are taking to find someone. Well done.
The individual counselor that she sees for trauma should be someone different and separate from the couples counseling. I agree with others that you can ask a faith based person to leave out that part. There are also some online counselors. It can also be worth it to travel to the right person.
I despise cheating, as a rule.
However: Cheating on someone, once, does not yet a predator make.
Selfish and a lot of other things it could be labeled, depending the person and situation, that does not yet a predator, monster, etc., make.
Just because she is a sex assault victim does not mean the rest of the world is full of predators in that respect, or a single instance of infidelity turns you into doomed creature (divorce now and go live as a monk to repent).
You also do not deserve to be made feel that nerve wracking guilt, esp. given you had your own (heavy) issues to deal with.
I am very sorry @Degged , I didn't 'see' that :( .
Just such shared trauma alone can make people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't . :( I'm a bit of a romantic, to think if 20 years were desirable it's worth fighting for.
But zero excuse for her to abuse you. In fact, short of being a small child or in some way incapacitated (not including ptsd), we are all responsible for how we treat each other. Yes, you to her- but her to you, too.
I hope you can both make real healing headway with a counselor. but she has to be willing to own her own stuff and reactions. That is love, too- not to want to hurt or hamper who you love.
Best wishes to you.
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- #19
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SunMoonStarlitSky
"Degged" has not QUITE told the whole story here.
If he has a prayer of mending anything, he will stay off the internet, telling strangers partial truths and looking for sympathy.
zombycat
Silver Member
Hi there. I assume you're his wife? We are more than happy to listen to your side of this story as well. I can only speak for myself, but any sympathy I am feeling extends to you both.
I can understand why you wouldn't want him talking about you to other people. Trauma of any kind is hard to talk about. Living with the effects of trauma, whether your own or someone else's, is really hard too. Sometimes it is helpful to be able to talk to other people who have been there, who understand what it is like. The site is meant to be a safe space where people can do just that.
Friday
Sponsor
LMFAO :hilarious: No lie!
Online or IRL there will always be people ready and waiting to excuse any behavior, or blame the person you hurt. And people who will tell you straight, you done f*cked up. Who we choose to seek out & listen to? Is on us. And, to my way of thinking, more telling than what we did in the first place. Everyone makes mistakes. Whether we seek to feel better & justified (same old shit different day; mistakes were made, others were blamed), or to own, learn from, & correct ourselves? That goes right into the core of who we are.
My hope for both of you is that self correction, rather than sympathy mongering, is what’s motivating.
<Putting my staff hat back on>
What we do here is PTSD. That’s the wealth of our shared experience, and the framework we operate out of. For more info on how we do that please check out our Community Constitution
Both Sufferers & Supporters are equally welcome here, but any nonsense between the two, or drama drug across the forums, will result in a temporary or permenant ban of one or both members. Whether they know each other in real life, or not. Sufferers and supporters have different issues that bring them here, both equally valid, and mucking about is not tolerated.
@Degged I’m going to recommend that if you continue to use the forum that you make use of the Supporters Area, or Link Removed
@SunMoonStarlitSky The rest of the forum is your playground.
I’m going to lock this thread, as it’s one of the few joint areas, for both sufferers and supporters alike. Please use Contact Us If you’d like to discuss this decision.
I wish you both the best; whether either or both of you continue to use the resources here, or not.
Friday
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joeylittle
Sponsor
Both members have been banned.
We don't provide a platform for he said/she said relationship theatrics.
We don't provide a platform for he said/she said relationship theatrics.
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