Desperate For Peace

[Rumors]

So this week I had a major arguement with my dad. Major. He is an alcoholic and he did something really NOT ok which left him laying in the floor passed out drunk. Not the first time or probably the last. The dichotomy of this situation is that I am so mad at him for his behavior and mad at him about growing up in his home. He was a mean guy. It has taken me 40 years to say that, he is a mean guy. He thinks he is awesome by the way. Therein lies the rub.... Then, on the other side, I feel so guilty for saying something that tipped him over the edge and caused him such grief. Last night I had the worst nightmare that I found him in his house and he had hung himself. I woke up shaking and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to t this week but I couldn't talk about it even though it is eating me alive. I had no composure and likely would have spent the session crying. I don't do that well. I have found him passed out and thought he was dead before.
I haven't slept well for a week. I am exhausted, mad, sad and I don't know what else. Having an emotion and being able to put a name to it is new to me. I guess I am scared too....
Let me mention too that I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about this except my t...and you guys... My husband isn't an option period. He is part of the problem. My sister isn't an option either. I am tired... I have been fighting this freaking anxiety my whole life and partially bc of my dad. I am married to a guy who frequently verbally abuses me bc I thought it was normal bc that is what my dad did. I really despise my family right now.... I don't like feeling that way. It is very lonely. Normally I would just disassociate and forget it. I can't do it anymore....

 

[Rumors]

If I don't sleep soon without a damn nightmare I am going to scream....

 

[rosey]

Nightmares are dreadful. Until recently i would have at least 1 a night 8 in 5 hours is my record so i fully understand how tired and upset you must be.
Sounds to me like you are taking to much responsibility for your dads behaviour. His behaviour is his choice no one tells him to drink and you being honest with him about how you feel isnt to blame if anything it will help you and him more in the longterm. Hiding stuff never works well. If he cant process what you say without drink then that is his issue not yours to carry. He will find plently of excuses to keep his addiction if it wasnt that it would be something else you cant blame yourself.
Put your focus on you. Give yourself the care that you need. Eat well. Exersice tell yourself nice things dont rely on others for it. I spent years waiting for my husband to man up and now i by pass him i dont focus on his verbal insults as i know it is more about how he wants me to feel than the truth. Fine what is true and bin the rest.
Back to the sleep. Bedtime meditations have really helped me loads of free apps out there.

Hope u get a good night very soon

 

[Rumors]

Thank you for the encouragement @rosey. I will read your response throughout the week and hold on to it.

 

[Abstract]

Remember that you aren't responsible for his behaviour or choices Romours. He is. I know its easy to say and very not easy to do. Well done for naming behaviours and your feelings for what they are. Thats a great start.

Be kind to yourself and gentle. Thats what you deserve. Stay away from those who are controlling or abusive. Abusive behaviour is toxic to ones well being.

 

[Rumors]

Thank you @Abstract. As the days pass I am remembering more things about growing up with him too. Things that for whatever reason I just blocked out. It amazes me that I could block that out... He has yet to reach out to me after his bad behavior but he has told my sister he was going to call. I am guessing not...

 

[Rumors]

I am praying for the strength to talk about this with my t this week. The fallout has been killer....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate to what you are experiencing with your dad, my dad was a bona fide sadist and he got so much pleasure out of hurting people. Us kids were his special prey that he ritually abused on a regular basis. But I thought I had loved him and was on his side sadly and used and manipulated and controlled by him far too often in my young adult life. I finally had to disconnect to protect my own family from him and his mind games. He finally died a few years ago and I found out after the fact and felt relief that never again would he be able to enjoy infliciting pain on his prey.

Your dream of wanting to protect your dad is normal for what you have been thru and it does not make you out to be the bad guy at all in my opinion.

Just let what I said sink in a little for awhile and if it is not working for you please just toss this away in the trash. My heart goes out to you and sending you healing vibes.:hug:

 

[Rumors]

Thank you @gizmo. I have spent the week trying to stuff it away.... I don't like how it makes me feel at all.

 

[Ally2016]

So this week I had a major arguement with my dad. Major. He is an alcoholic and he did something really...

Have you tried attending alanon? - it's a support group for those affected by other people's drinking. If u google it you might find its in your area. It may be of real help to you. We can't control other people places and things, the only control we have is over our own reactions. Alanon may give you more tools to help you sort out this relationship with your Father. You would at the very least find people you relate to. It's a place to start. All the best.

 

[The Albatross]

The reading materials helped me more than the actual meetings ... you may also want to dig up some of the ACOA materials, I've found both immensely helpful (Adult Children of Alcoholics).