Deteriorating

[The Albatross]

What action steps can you think of that will help you to make progress on your goal of "alleviated depression"?

 

[Thinkingman85]

I honestly don't know. I think talking about it. Whenever I do try to take a step, a voice says, "No, you're not allowed to be normal". I've made many mistakes in the past. I was doing well in college until I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stand seeing my older brother on drugs and I passed up on a date with the girl of my dreams. I lost her because I thought my circumstance was too dire to make it work. I wanted to graduate with her and go off into the sunset. Instead, I continued helping my brother because it was the "noble" thing to do. Finally, I lost it and realized that I blew my chances. Mentally, I went into another world. I alienated my friends and community.

In reality, it was me trying to get rid of my depression. That was the first time in my life that it fell to a clinical level. Since the birth of the depression, I haven't been able to completely recover. I've worked 13 different jobs trying to "work" my way out of the depression. I've taken Prozac which made me feel better but "different". I lost creativity. I went to therapy (which evidently wasn't long enough). I just don't know how to get around the fact that I failed at an opportunity that was in my grasp. I see it as the "fork in the road" moment of my life and I screwed up. Now, people think I'm crazy and it feels like I'm going to have to settle for a mediocre life because I didn't answer when opportunity knocked. It's hard to have hope when you think your peers think you're crazy. I never had to deal with questioning my sanity. I think I lost it because I tried so hard and still ended up failing.

Honestly, all that I want is my sanity back or the personal security of feeling like I'm sane. When I run into people, their demeanor is nice but awkward.. Sort of like a "this guy is weird" vibe. They'll talk to me once, but I know the next time I see them they'll avoid me. And I didn't do anything wrong. It's not paranoia. I remember what having a normal life was. Honestly, it may just be anger toward people in general and people can sense it. As an adult, I feel like I've been hurt so much that I have to live like a warrior. Before, I was kind, open, and ambitious. Now, I see people as potential enemies that might try to pull a slick move when I'm not looking. Just feeling normal again is all I want. It's so tough.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think I don't know how to not beat myself up over my past mistakes. It seems like I'm incapable of redeeming myself because I messed too many things up.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Thinkingman,

Your post and the use of the 'white picket fence" analogy was interesting.

Two of my three sons are firefighters, as well as several of their friends who they grew up with whom I've know since they were babies. That 'white picket fence" job that you spoke of . . . well, things are not quite what they seem to the public.

Do you have friends that are firefighters?

I think becoming a firefighter may be a big help in your healing overall.

 

[Thinkingman85]

That's good to hear. Yeah, I have a friend that is a firefighter. He's the same age. He just bought a house. With "white picket fence" I was just referring to a stable middle class job. I get the vibe that relationships are more informal as opposed to strictly routine which would make the job more enjoyable. I think firefighting is interesting and would be healthy for the psyche. I like things like bodybuilding, mma, Heavy Metal, and other manly things so this career seems up my alley. All of my friends are encouraging me to follow through.

 

[Hashi]

I'm also wondering about your expectations of firefighting. My uncle is a firefighter, and I seriously considered becoming one when I left school. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with some of the sights I would see and things I'd have to deal with. I'm going to put some examples in the next paragraph and it's very blunt, especially considering your parents' passing and how you still feel about that. So please skip it if you think it would be too much to read, but if it's too much to read I'm not sure how you could do it for real.


Examples:

In particular I was thinking of people's injuries and deaths through fire, and accidents that firefighters are called to, to help extract people from crushed vehicles etc. In addition, I don't know the situation where you live, but when my downstairs neighbour stopped answering the phone or door it was firefighters who were called out to her flat to break the door down and find her inside, having died of an aneurysm.

End of examples.


That may sound very blunt to say all that, but isn't it the kind of thing you'd likely have to face if you're a firefighter? I wondered if you'd considered those aspects?

Ironically, my drug addict brother who is one of the perpetrators also saw a therapist. I would run into him after a session. Just more fuel for his fire knowing that I was in therapy.

I can't follow this, I'm afraid. If he was in therapy himself how was it fuel for him that you were? Why wouldn't it equally have been fuel for you to know that he was in therapy?

I think this is an example why obsessing about other people's views of you is never going to work. The feeling of losing to someone else is in our heads. No action can fix it, we can only fix the way we're thinking about things. Whatever you do won't be enough, unless (possibly) you do so much you end up in jail... which would hardly make you the winner.

I was in therapy for 12 weeks. It helped but made me feel like a broken person trying to put himself back together.

I think many of us, much of the time, feel that we're ruined, our lives are ruined, we lost the chances other people have had, we can't recover from our experiences and therapy can feel too awful to bear. If you're talking about "normal", I'd say that's normal for someone with PTSD. For many of us, going through the pain of therapy is the way through and out. We may not end up with the white picket fence image of life - and how realistic that is for anyone, I'm not sure anyway. But we can end up with lives that are worth living, instead of constantly tearing us apart.

Speaking for myself, if I wasn't in therapy I would still be just as broken. I'd simply be a broken person who wasn't putting herself back together.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I've thought about the horrible aspects of firefighting. Personally, after witnessing such things I am more desensitized than the average person. That is why I think it may be an asset. It's hard for me to relate to a world that is all hunky dory like our institutions try to represent. Therefore, it would probably be a challenge for me to have a profession where I would have to conform like life is Pleasantville. I think firefighting is more of a realistic job.

You're right about my brother. I didn't think of it that way. I guess his boasting left me with a bias impression that isn't true.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have been in therapy for 27 years and counting. 12 weeks doesn't begin to scratch the surface. The longer you put off dealing with the hard stuff the more will amass.

My dad started raping me when I was a baby. Over the next 23 years 12 other boys and men took a go. I was moved more than 50 times and beaten up every time. In Texas and Oklahoma I was beaten daily in school by teachers for my attitude and then put on the bus where the kids would take their turn beating the shit out of me. I went to 25 schools before I dropped out at 16. My brother was hit by a car when I was 8 and he was 12. After the accident he was very disabled and angry about it. He had been a prodigious athlete. Now he was a "freak". So he beat the shit out of means came after me with knives and spent a lot of time trying to rape me to prove his manhood. Thank goodness he wasn't strong enough after the accident.

Do I have to mention that everyone in my family is an addict? Is that even necessary? Isn't it a duh? We were homeless.

I left my family at 18 and I haven't looked back. They don't know my kids Andy they won't. I have a pretty "normal" life at this point. I'm married. I am home schooling my two kids because I cannot force them through the education system. I was abused too widely.

It has taken years of working with single minded devotion but I did find a partner. I am married and settled. I garden now that I live in one place long enough to see a seed come out of the ground. I feel like a whole new world of discovery opened up for me.

I have limitations and I tend to Hate Everyone In The World. But I consciously work on tone of voice and facial expression so my kids grow up with some appearance of stable behavior from me. :) I'm not stable like someone with a set schedule but we do a lot of stuff.

Having PTSD does not mean we are automatically bad parents. With PTSD you have to try hard to take responsibility for your own inappropriate behavior so you don't pass any of the blame to your kids. My kids know that I cry for no reason,sometimes all day, and they just kind of go with it. I don't talk to them about my thoughts. I just steadfast edgy tell them that I am so happy they are here and that I get to have this life.

I don't think I will ever be raped again. My brain wants to tell me that I am lying and I should shut my fool mouth. Hubris. Hubris. Hubris. Murphy's law and what have you.

 

[intothelight]

Thinkingman,

You are only responsible for yourself, as you are the only person who has control over your thoughts, feelings and actions. You have absolutely no control over others, so walk away from the toxic relationships. In the same way, you have to find a way to walk away from the toxic past. Find that therapy or whatever tools work for you, but cut the ties and set yourself free to just be you.

There is a whole world of people out there and many are not bad and/or judgmental, You mention your friends that you admire and who encourage you to go after your own dreams. That is your present and make it your reality. Find what you need to overcome the pain of the past and set yourself free.

Debbie

 

[piratelady]

Now, people think I'm crazy and it feels like I'm going to have to settle for a mediocre life because I didn't answer when opportunity knocked.

I can relate to this a lot. I did very well in High School and was accepted to College. So many things in my home life went wrong and it affected my ability to succeed post-High School. I didn't make it though college. Since then I have felt the same way, sort of like the ship had sailed.

That was when was I was 18 years old, I'm 32 now. Next year I will be going back to college to get my Bachelors degree. It wasn't until a couple months ago that I occurred to me that you can take the wrong path at one fork in the road, but it doesn't mean you need to stay on that path. There are always more opportunities. I feel weird going back to school at my age, but this is a chance for me to turn my life into what I want it to be.

 

[rightkindofme]

Until you are dead you have an infinite number of chances. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Talking about goals is great, but it does not take the place of creating a strategy and then attempting the actionable ones. I know this first hand because I wasted two decades talking with friends when I should have been learning and doing things to improve myself.

Peer support is not what I mean, but talking, and talking, and talking with the two people who found themselves ultimately in a rut as well. Planning and goal setting are now essential for me. I need to make a map if I want to get somewhere.