Childhood Development And The Impact Of Trauma

[shimmerz]

seems to be of my own fault or choices or making, not others lacking.

Yes, that is the idea. For you to believe it is you. This is quite a process when dealing with it in therapy. It is so hard to let go of that. I will never forget when I realized that when my mother called the punishments 'love' and my counselor correcting that and calling it abuse. Hit me like a shock wave. I just couldn't get my head around it. I had bought into the Shimmerz is the cause of all of this family's problems thing.

@Junebug, were you able to go to this other person?

 

[Hope4Now]

@shimmerz, it took an implosion of my psyche, too, to reach out for help.

I required it because my life fell apart physically first, then emotionally. It took a long time to figure out what in the world was happening with me, and I was lucky to find the right kind of help (my therapist). I'm still working on the trust and fear issues that being in this therapy relationship causes--especially the feelings about not being able to deal with stuff by myself, or to meet others' needs in the same way I used to, and my feelings of growing dependence on my T. I do a lot of running to and running away. I have lots of polarizations in me..."I need help" vs. "I don't need anything;" "I must care for others no matter what" vs. "I must learn to love and care for myself;" "Asking for help is not dangerous" vs. "Never ever ask for help or you'll get hurt;" and on and on and on.

I have to say, though, that because some of my problems are pretty obvious (I have mobility issues because of the physical pain), I have shared with a couple of selected people a little bit of what is going on with me. They have been supportive in lots of small ways, and I'm starting to learn that accepting help actually feels kind of good...makes me feel like maybe I am not utterly alone and stuck in my internal world from the past. I've also learned that probably the reason I never got help when I was desperate for it as a child and adolescent was that I had built up such walls and such a front of independence that it never would have occurred to anyone that I needed help or that anything was wrong.

 

[Tinyflame]

@shimmerz , well I didn't go to that person (my mom), & I didn't go to anyone else, either. I do remember clearly always knowing there were too many other concerns/ problems/ stress going on in the family unit (I was a smart kid). Definitely grsped that well before 5. I remember desperately however trying to figure out how to 'fix things' on my own. Caused me a lot of anxiety. I would 'ask' my sister sometimes but according to her never directly, more like "what does such-&-such mean if 'somebody' does such & such".

I was (much later) the one to figure out & call some things abusive (never from my mom).

I don't think it occurred to me to 'ask' for help. Needing it felt definitely like I did something wrong too.

 

[shimmerz]

I had built up such walls and such a front of independence that it never would have occurred to anyone that I needed help or that anything was wrong.

So very true. I have to tell you though, it is my experience that I begged for help - but the adults in the family were insistent that it was all me and when the counselor called them out and said they played a part - the sessions stopped. REALLY FAST. I so get the polarization thing. One thing a very good friend told me that I pretty much use on him now :-), is that I am actually taking away the good feelings that come with helping others that I feel, by not allowing others that same feeling when they reach out to me. I couldn't fight that one somehow.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is an astonishing thought @shimmerz . :wideeyed:

 

[Tinyflame]

My mom actually took abuse, didn't dish it out.

Also, how can anyone go to someone with their trauma if the others are experiencing their own or are in it as well?

Needing help makes me feel like a burden as well. Or not being able to 'fix it' myself, I guess.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am actually taking away the good feelings that come with helping others that I feel, by not allowing others that same feeling when they reach out to me. I couldn't fight that one somehow.

YES! A while back when I was really struggling with continuing to go to therapy, I was writing in my journal about why. Fundamentally, it had to do with being deeply uncomfortable that I was "taking" help and giving nothing back. What your friend said is so true. Good friends (and therapists) really DO get something out of giving. Thanks for sharing this.

I have to tell you though, it is my experience that I begged for help - but the adults in the family were insistent that it was all me and when the counselor called them out and said they played a part - the sessions stopped. REALLY FAST.

This is horrible. It makes it abuse squared (as in exponent).

I did beg for help from a few people as I got older I guess. I chose the wrong ones, and it just reinforced all the beliefs that have brought me to the point where I am now.

 

[shimmerz]

Needing help makes me feel like a burden as well.

My peeps are too smart for my own good. They and

my T's have all gotten me to understand that I am not helping THEM by not allowing them to help ME. That it makes them feel good, just like it makes me feel good. Brilliant actually. They all understood that I do things for other people and not myself. Rat b*stards! :( Old patterns had to die.

I chose the wrong ones, and it just reinforced all the beliefs that have brought me to the point where I am now.

So true. Once I realized who in my inner circle were actually sabotaging my attempts to get to normalcy - well then everything changed. I had a therapist once who explained that those in dysfunctional situations are like a bucketful of crabs. When one tries to escape, the others literally claw them back in. This is what people were doing to me. Why? Because if I wasn't the victim - well - who would be. Because in dysfunction someone ALWAYS needs to play the victim. If it wasn't me it might well be them.

Forgot that! I use that crab bucket in my imagery a ton and it helps me put into perspective exactly what I am doing in order to get out of the mess that had become my 'norm'.

 

[Tinyflame]

My peeps are too smart for my own good. They and my T's have all gotten me to understand that I am not helping THEM by not allowing them to help ME. That it makes them feel good, just like it makes me feel good. Brilliant actually. They all understood that I do things for other people and not myself. Rat b*stards! :( Old patterns had to die.

.. my inner circle were actually sabotaging my attempts to get to normalcy.

Thank you (personally) for your kind words @shimmerz . I think that if I could understand +/or accept what you wrote above in the 1st paragraph it would change my life, or at least my perception of myself. :hug:

Knowing that I have been/ can be verbally abusive, & that so many things (grief, worry, fear, stress, trauma, pain, illness, etc) can influence how someone acts, I've always cut them the slack. But in doing so there have been situations where the abuse became rampant & overwhelming (& not just verbal).

Many years 'past 5' I now realize it's not (for some) isolated to traumatic circumstances. Rather the opposite- happiness or 'peace' on my part enrages them.

I have a hard time figuring out when I am 'not' to blame, in some capacity. Especially with having ptsd- "I'm" the 'problem', perhaps? I greatly fear 'harming' someone accepting help.

 

[shimmerz]

happiness or 'peace' on my part enrages them.

This is a big thing for me too. Some people try to corrupt this in others. They cannot stand it.

I have a hard time figuring out when I am 'not' to blame, in some capacity.

And this ties into 'so what if you are to blame in some capacity'? This is where we so often feel like (based on our past) that it is of dire consequences if we are. We raise the bar too high for ourselves and too low for others.

I'm" the 'problem'

Yes, lots of people are trying to get me to buy into this. I won't anymore. Jeez, at 8 months old people were saying that I was the problem. That is scr**ed imho. I have my own standards and they are fair and the best I can do in the moment. If I am alone forever because I don't measure up - then so be it. Funny enough I am alone from many old friends but the new ones - WOW - they are so beautiful and genuine. Heaven on earth compared to the last batch. I deserve them, warts and all.

I greatly fear 'harming' someone accepting help.

Yes, and I have harmed some if that is the word you want to use. In reality though, my experience, if one chooses to be involved, I now recognize as a learning experience for those that allow it to be. I have had several people thank me for how much I have taught them. Others have wanted to throw sharp knives at me but I try to stand well back from them now instead of inviting them to do so. :eek:

 

[shell]

I think it is interesting how two children in one family both develop their own way of reacting to trauma as a very young child within a family, I was totally independant, withdrawn, dissociated, and extremely avoidant of all people, while my twin brother responded in a fawning, clinging and needy dependant way to our abuse, rejection and abandonment.

While I had given up any expectation of being accepted by anyone, he continued to seek acceptance from everyone.

Learning to be more self accepting, to recognize I am allowed to have needs and acceptance from others in my life, and to reduce my dependancy on avoidance has been a very difficult battle, it is one that I really struggle with.

It takes more courage than I currently have to over come my fear of abandonment and rejection, it is a work in progress. It was very confronting to acknowledge that my way of relating to others was very disfunctional, and that I make others uncomfortable around me because I put up the barriers that clearly say leave me alone, and react to others in a fearful withdrawn manner.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I don't know if I make others uncomfortable, I guess sometimes. :(

I guess we all just do the best we can with where we're at & try to work on it.