Childhood Development And The Impact Of Trauma

[Nyssa]

Great thread !

I need to learn to meet people for real. Constantly anticipating possible threats from others prevents me from seeing them for what they are. It makes me biased, and it does not give enough freedom to the person and the relationship.

I need to trust that people can like me (or even love me?) and not just tolerate me.

I believe I have to be nice, tolerant, accepting, caring, generous, peacefull, funny, joyfull and non-agressive a 100% of the time for people to like me. I am not like that, not all the time. And I'm convinced it makes me a bad and unlovable person. I need to learn that it doesn't.

I need to accept that every criticism does not necessarly involve disregard. And it does not mean I am totally worthless.

I need to unlearn to despise and hate myself everytime I don't match my ideal-self.

That ideal is crazy. It is unrealistic and totally out of reach. But worse than that, it is so constricting that it prevents me from being spontaneous. And it blocks my development.

The funny thing is that I don't even like people who seem to match that ideal. I find them boring, when I am not suspiciously wondering what sort of violent behavior their perfect persona might hide.

 

[Chava]

Like @Tippi, citing Alice Miller (I read all her books like a hog)...I had one person, always the right person came along, almost always a music teacher...who saw me as more than a musician...a bright, creative, humorous, thoughtful person. God bless them all. I am forever grateful. But I feel split between my professional life, where I feel like an inspired child of my music teachers, and my personal life where I feel isolated and often messed up and unlovable. I'd like to bring the split into some kind of whole...but if I must feel a split I am grateful to those adults who helped me develop a healthy portion of my life. It's my work, it's what I have to give to others...it's the best gift. Sometimes I have to imagine treating myself the way they treated me. or how I treat my students....all the compassion not coming from family but from my teachers and mentors who could see the real me and provide space to grow. So so grateful, and I want to keep my sh$t together so I can be that adult for others....

 

[marylouise]

I've been thinking about this thread since I saw it.

My big issue right now has to do with not being supported and in fact thwarted by my parents. For example, my father would punish me if he caught me reading, something I took great pleasure in. I was reading about developmental stages for 9 year olds, and taking up reading at that age is important, especially for academic success.

Later, things were worse. My father refused to sign my financial aid paperwork for college, for example. He was brutal (he was very mentally ill) in his attempts to prevent me from leaving home at 18.

I wrote a poem as a teenager that describes this: "My father tied me down in childhood/when I first began to stretch my growing arms."

It feels impossible to overcome this. But then so do attachment issues, and I've done well with those.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whats sad is that the proposed diagnosis doesn't go far enough. It reinforces the notion that ALL children will have some sort of "trauma reenactment" but nothing could be further from the truth. I didn't have a trauma reenactment and ended up flying under the radar. I know that many of us go in that direction, as I am not the only one. So I guess according to that, I don't have developmental trauma, even though my most profound traumas happened during the time when I was forming my sense of "safety" with the world and have never actually felt truly safe. I guess I would have gotten more attention if I had started to be sexually deviant at the age of 5.

 

[shimmerz]

So many of these posts ring true for me. @Nyssa yours was particularly profound for me. There was also another poster (sorry, I don't know if I can go back a page to get the reference to name and quote so no disrespect intended) who stated that they had had people reach out. I wonder if by that time you had learned to not trust that. It doesn't take much more than one or two incidents for a young child's trust to be completely breached imho.

@Tippi, i hope I am not 'stealing' from Alice Miller, if so then obviously I take in more than I think I do when I read because my brain feels like a sieve when I read books these days. In left hemisphere and out right without any capacity to retain. :confused: You have given me hope that I am actually holding onto some of this information. Thanks!

@Chava, I too can function very well in my working persona. The walls crashed when that part of me imploded upon itself. It seemed like I would never get her back.

@marylouise, I too have gone through the attachment issue thing (I am sure I am not completely through it but my relationships have shifted greatly and it is unbelievable the difference that makes). That is a huge job! Congratulations! So, impossible? No. I don't believe that.

@Solara, I flew under the radar for 45 years. There was a counselor that I had when I was 15 who knew but my parents would not deal with their own issues and thus, I was left lost. 25 years dead and gone I spent years digging up secrets they could have and should have told me. Bitter? Sometimes. Mainly just sad at the ignorance.

I have learned so much through all of this and scary as it is I refuse to have lived through what I did 50 years ago just to be taken down by the memories of it. Never going to happen. Call me stupid but this fight isn't over. If I go down it will be with my sabre swinging wildly.

 

[we r getting there]

This is a great thread. Shimmerz, I am a foster carer of an 8 year old darling little boy who is severely affected with PTSD from continual abuse in early childhood. We have been a family with him for 4 years and have tried every which way to form an attachment with him, but are only having success now with weekly psychiatrist visits and medication to reduce the fear he feels continually. I feel so much for you guys, I know it makes you unhappy sometimes to think people dont know how much you care, but those who love you do, however you do (or don't!) show it.
Shell, I care for four children from the same family, who have all responded in extremely different ways, I think that is a normal outcome. A psych has described it to me as based on temperament, attachment at the time, health, all different factors. His brother, younger by 11 months, is extremely attached to everyone in sight!
Shimmerz, I think my little boy has missed out on simply playing, and knowing how to relax and have fun. He needs to be correct in everything he says and does to be OK in himself. This causes him a lot of emotional pain, as he often isn't! He thinks he is innately bad and deserves punishment. All I can say is, he isn't and doesn't. You guys were probably just like him, an adorable child who deserved to be loved and missed that, who weren't bad, just in a bad situation. You missed out on the safety of an adult and being able to explore without fear. Maybe you missed out on early drawing, puzzles, car toys, dolls or the intervention of an adult to encourage fair play in games. These things have affected my little one in a big way and life was only getting harder for him until we found a psychiatrist who understands his immense pain.
I can understand that this little boy may face the same challenges one day and my heart goes out to all of you that struggle with this huge issue, often alone and underestimated. You are as good as anyone else, and better than many. And avoidance (which my boy relies on) is not helping him at all.... xxx

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe you missed out on early drawing, puzzles, car toys, dolls or the intervention of an adult to encourage fair play in games.

No, I was too busy trying to get away from parents who wanted me dead. Who harassed me and tortured me. Thank god you are trying to get them help now and provided them with a stable environment. I too as a child could not deal with doing something wrong. OMG the reactions. Because at one time the punishment for such was life threatening. It is the stripping away of humanity that does it imho. Humans by nature are allowed to be mistaken and loved anyways. It sounds like your young boy is not trusting of this yet.

Myself as a child was more like your boy who is 11 months younger. Attached to everyone. This was very dangerous to me all my life and am learning discernment. For me it stemmed from needing to know that I would get a good response from others as I was terrified if I got a bad one. I would do backflips to make sure everyone saw me as good - I would literally plead with my eyes to have them KNOW I was good so they wouldn't hurt me. Predators see this in me.

Do you know much about your foster children's background. OMG I just want to hug all four of them. Thank you for all that you do. Keep up the great work. Blessings to those tiny souls.

 

[kagamine]

I have a difficult time forming attachments as well. I don't get past a certain level of intimacy with anyone. The closer I feel to somebody the more anxiety provoking it is to be around them. All of my important relationships have been a result of other people making the initiative and kind of just hanging around me. But it isn't necessarily that I'm cold or that I don't feel strongly about people, it's just that there's a gap that I can't close or I start to feel like I'm suffocating. I'm actually pretty sentimental, I just can't express it.

I also have a lot of difficulty self regulating. I went back and forth between different caregivers who themselves were often not consistent. I learned early on nothing would get done reliably unless I did it myself, and I haven't evolved much since then. I'm nearly 20 and I live independently but a huge chunk of me feels like and functions like a 5 year old that's trying to be an adult. I feel drowned and behind my peers even while they tell me how far ahead I am. Maybe that's part of the disconnect.

@we r getting there I was like that when I was very young. I would often put myself on time out at home when my parents didn't and my teachers were baffled about why I would get up in the middle of class and try to give myself detentions for very small mistakes. I thought I was very bad and needed to be punished to absolve that badness. Something happened as I got older, I gave up trying to be good, and I immersed myself in acting bad, doing things that mostly hurt myself. I spent most of my time alone avoiding the real world and distracting myself in self defeating ways. I would have been lucky to have had some intervention at a younger age and I think he'll come out a lot better for the help he's getting now.