Childhood Developmental Trauma Vs. Later Trauma

[Queen Boudica]

Does anyone here find themselves consciously or unconsciously selecting the company of people who they later find out have developmentmental trauma too?

Guess that must be why I have no friends. The people around me haven't experienced developmental trauma and I am alien to them. Extremely lonely, living in an environment where people don't get it. Makes you just want to not exist

 

[scout86]

You have friends HERE @Lizio! I know it's not the same, but you have friends here.:hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Does anyone here find themselves consciously or unconsciously selecting the company of people who they later find out have developmentmental trauma too?

Yes. Definitely. It is almost ridiculous. The more I share some of my "stuff" with people I have a gut feeling I can trust, the more I see the pattern: the people I really connect with all have some kind of early trauma. I'm not sure really whether it is due to the shared experience of trauma, or whether it is because of similar personality development as a result...I suspect the latter. Because some people who have early trauma are very angry and I run from them. I get it, but it scares me. It's the introspective, gentle, thoughtful, empathetic, compassionate people that I connect to/bond with.

 

[Hope4Now]

Extremely lonely, living in an environment where people don't get it. Makes you just want to not exist

Yes, I understand completely. I usually feel like an alien, even when I'm among friends. I have lots of "friends" but most of them don't get it, and it is such an effort to be "normal" around them that I often crash later, even though I may have really enjoyed our interactions. I am slowly learning to be my own weird version of my own normal, and to hell with the rest. The more I'm able to do this, the more people are emerging in my life that I feel connected to. I am so glad you're here on the forum @Lizio. Here we all want you to exist right along with us! We get it.

 

[shimmerz]

I often wondered about the numerous adopted friends I have; or married, or how one of my ex's married a tall blonde (like me) adopted chick after we divorced. Too many shared patterns to ignore (for me).

Sun and I were talking about this just yesterday. Developmental trauma (DT) people 'get it'. Here on the board I see it for sure. We have compassion for 'frozen'. We recognize that certain things are just not possible for us although the 'later trauma'd' people just flip off to us 'what to do'. It seems insurmountable when they say it and my heart aches when they are called names or put down for not being able to.

It is a trauma of its own. I find some non DT people harsh in their assessment of us.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thank you this place feels the only place I feel vaguely normal. Even though the stuff I vent about isn't. It is safer here, I can write it and not be judged for being like this.

 

[shimmerz]

Even though the stuff I vent about isn't. It is safer here, I can write it and not be judged for being like this.

I admire and respect you @Lizio. That is nothing but the truth.

 

[sun seeker]

Does anyone here find themselves consciously or unconsciously selecting the company of people who they later find out have developmentmental trauma too?

Absolutely, they are the people I can relate to. It's eerie in fact, how many people in my life I later find have specific kinds of trauma I can relate to. In terms of how often they occur in the general population, what are the odds?

I just can't fake "normal" for any amount of time. If I'm going to spend a lot of time around someone, it has to be someone who gets it.

 

[Ronin]

Interesting question, relating.

I relate to people more based on honesty & people-view / compassion capacities than trauma vs. not, or types of trauma.

Mostly because some types of trauma are awfully common in some circles, unheard of in others, so that alone can't be my navigation of any sort. Who we are as people, not what happened to us, is more a common ground to land on, for me.

(That and sense of humor. If I can't laugh with that person even in times I have my emotions & am able to laugh, physically? We can't be pals. Everything else, yes. Pals, no.)

 

[illusionist]

I'm sneaking this thought in here as I hate to draw attention to myself by opening a new thread...and I'm unsure of what I'm asking but has been an on going thought for me...

As you know Shimmerz I was brought up in care...my loving adoptive parents died when I was 3 and 4...I was with them from the age of 2. I grew up remembering the love my dad gave me, and remembering the love I felt for him.....extremely fond memories I have held very closely.....they kept me going in the following years...knowing I had been loved seemed to help in the years I was not loved....no matter what I went through, which was tough, I could always fall back on those loving emotions...they were an escape.

I feel that I've been able to take steps in my recovery because I've had this..potential love...even though two years is short...was it a crucial part of my development? At that age?

I just couldn't imagine never having a time in my childhood where I didn't feel that intense love....my biggest problem, I think, was having to let that go.

 

[shimmerz]

no matter what I went through, which was tough, I could always fall back on those loving emotions...they were an escape.

This was my grandfather to me, @illusionist . I often times think that it is all about seeing potential when we have been raised in a DT way. There was, as @Junebug states, a modelling for us. It took me some time to figure out who actually loved me. It was my grandfather. He emitted love, taught me how to love, taught me what love was.

I am a real believer that love conquers the fear that is involved in trauma. Thank goodness for the gift that your father left you. With any luck he and my grandad are basking in the glory of giving us a gift that is so precious. :hug::hug:

 

[illusionist]

This was my grandfather to me, @illusionist . I often times think that it is all ab...

This was my grandfather to me, @illusionist . I often times think that it is all ab...

I hope they are giving each other a ' high five' it certainly was a very, very special gift to me.