Sufferer Diagnosed And Hating It!!!

[Timto]

Hello All,

I will start by introducing myself, my name is Tim and I was diagnosed with PTSD in early October. I when I say that I hate this I mean that I hate the feelings, lack of feelings, mixed up feelings and all of the other crap that is going on in my life lately.

Here is my story, I was involved in an vehicle accident 2 people died and 2 lived, they were in the other vehicle. I was in a vehicle by myself, I also died that day. I do not remember the accident at all from before the collision until roughly 6 hours after. I was sent to a psychologist for a interview where I was diagnosed with PTSD and sever depression. I believed that soldiers were the only ones who suffered from this disorder.

Since the accident I have had the worst time of my life with all kinds of problems, such as not being able to sleep, eat, cry, love etc... I have no motivation to do anything, I have suicidal thoughts every day however I can not even do that leaving me to believe I am even that much more of a failure. I can go on and on with other symptoms but I am sure you have all heard them before. I have done lots of research on the symptoms and I appear to have all of them (Lucky Me!!!). I have been working with my psychologist and she tells me things will get better and I have all of the trust in the world in her, she is a great person and a big help, HOWEVER I do not see this going away or even getting better. I have had maybe three good days since the accident and the rest are just horrible.

I am hoping to get some sense of hope from this site, because the hole inside of me is getting bigger and bigger and life can not continue this way for long. I have a LOVING wife and son that are incredibly supportive as well as many friends that support me but I still feel like I am only a burden on them.

I wish I could say more because there is so much more to all of this with the symptoms and feelings, I just cant get them out right at this moment.

Thanks for listening,
Tim

 

[Mercy]

Great introduction, Tim. Welcome to the forum. This is a very supportive place also with many people who have been where you are now. It does get better but I must say that it is hard work and it takes time.You may have to live through the anniversary of your accident each year for a while. Having a Therapist you like is a very good place to start.

Feeling that you are a burden on others was, for me, a part of survivor guilt. The feeling that I should have died becomes I feel like I shouldn't be alive. Feeling that you shouldn't be alive adds to the worry about being a burden. To people who really do care about you, there is no way, no way you could be a burden. Even if people feel frustrated it is not because you are a burden, rather it is that they are frustrated at not being able to make things better for you. Love makes people think that love can make everything all right. It doesn't work that way. making things change is up to you with love around you to comfort and help.

About that ever deepening hole in your being, one thing that helps is to notice little things for which you are grateful and jot them down. It really helped begin balance me out, not all the way but enough to see over the sides of my own great void.

 

[arfie]

Hi Tim. There is a real good chance you will find many senses of hope here. There is a tremendous diversity in the types of PTSD and the types of people who deal with allot of different symptoms. The net result seems to be a sense of hope for everybody. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

It's just as well that you couldn't get it all out at once. Recovery seems to go smoother if you take it in small, manageable steps.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome.

I want to assure you that healing is indeed possible. I remember when I was first diagnosed, my life was literally hell. You have my sympathy as I know the early stages of PTSD are not easy.

Things will get better if you continue to push forward with your healing. Sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back, but that's just the nature of the beast. Will your life ever be exactly the same as before? Probably not, but that doesn't mean you can't heal and overcome these symptoms.

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!

May I recommend Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice? He writes great books about PTSD and healing, and starts this one with his own experience being in a car accident and how he dealt with it after years of counseling patients with PTSD.

I am sorry you are having a rough time. His book may give you some hope and lots of great info.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Good morning Tim.

As a relativelly new member myself I too felt like you when I first came here. I can however say that by coming here and posting both good and bad experiences I have always had encouragment and fab advice. I believe that we can all, in time get better with the right support and advise, of which this forum has helped me no end in my struggles at times.

Take care Tim and welcome to myptsd.

Laurie71

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tim,

Welcome to the forum!

One thing about PTSD that is consistent, is that stress make it all a lot worse. It is the same for the stress that we put on ourselves. Work with your therapist and find the things that work for you and tackle them one at a time. You will find that in time things will start to improve and then eventually they are a whole lot better.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

One more thing I personally found helped me masses was when my T suggested I write a list of my abusers by name and then ticked each one as and when I had an intrusive memory or flashback about them (I had multiple abusers and several NDE situations)

One thing a good friend with BPD suggested was to carry a small piece of paper with me at all times. on it down the left hand side are the numbers 1 to 10. Next to each number are listed in no particular order are; my best friends name from childhood, my favourite book, my favourite meal as a child. For me the meal one was easy, my Dad made the best mixed meat grill ever, not a cheap option in a cafe but now when I have the spare money and am feeling down I make the effort to go on my own and have one in total silence. I don't allow myself to dwell in bad past, whilst alone with my favourite meal I am only pernitted to think about happy memories from my childhood, like sunny afternoons picking wild blackberries with my little sister when I was 7 yrs old.

I use my happy list to great effect now. I think if you write your list and carry it all times, look at it at least once a day you may find a technique that can ground you with great ease.

((((((hugs))))))

Laurence

 

[Barconian]

You do have your head screwed on in the right way Tim. Be patient with yourself is all I can say

 

[Mary]

Hi, Tim.

I also did not think I would feel good again. Not ever. I particularly missed feeling joy, which was just gone. But the joy came back! It took time and work. I love the feeling of joy so much! I am glad I tolerated the pain long enough (years for me) to feel joy regularly back in my body. It is so good! It can be for you, too.

I also felt like a burden. I remembered how good it feels when I have given to someone in need from my heart. I saw that those who willingly support me have that same opportunity to get that good feeling of contributing. Of course, some didn't have the right skills. Not all humans can help someone with PTSD. Many friends backed off during my really bad time. Many stayed close to me. I gained new friends, too, with high tolerances for others' suffering. Those friends who had to back off because of their limited skillset with what was going on are ALL back in my life now that my PTSD isn't front and center in my life anymore. I did not blame them or demand...I get it. I can't handle everything out there in the world either. It's ok. Find the people who want to and are able to help and let them give the gift of supporting you. None of it is forever. It is just part of being human. People who help you through this will someday need help, and the right people to help them--maybe you, depending on their problem!--will help them through their hard time. That is what people are for...to fill in and support and heal where there is a hurt spot in group.

Your therapist is right about trusting it will get better. Joy is all around me again! When in doubt or exhaustion or utter weakness, allow your body to breathe through the time and pain. Everything is changing around you, and opportunities will arise later to learn a new cope or meet a new support person or try a new experience. Let your body breathe you through to another moment or hour or day or week. It will carry you to some opportunity to move closer to groundedness, joy, whatever it is that you miss most.

(((hugs)))

Mary

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Tim and welcome to the forum.

Another car accident survivor here. When was your accident? I see you were diagnosed in October last year. If the accident was close to that, then it is still early days.. My accident was Feb 10 (yes the anniversary is looming), I began working with a therapist trained in trauma (we did EMDR). I never thought I would be a person again but with hard work. Taking baby steps forward and even more backwards, I am now managing my symptoms.

PC me if you want to talk.

 

[Timto]

Thank you all for the replies, I have read them all and am starting to re read them. I am having trouble concentrating and want to make sure I get the right messages from each of you.
I am going to stick to this site and try to make things work. Just like my psychologist I am going to hang on to the fact that there is good advice and people in here that can help.
I do find it frustrating that I keep hearing the message that it is still early in the healing process, however it has been four months and no improvement. I can not imagine a life with this continuing much longer. I am certainly not going to quit on this thing because I used to enjoy life and want to again one day be able to do the same.

Thank you again for your messages.