Diary: Journey Of The Spouse Of A Sex Addict

[Finding Grace]

As some of you may have seen in my intro post, I am spouse to a sex addict whose actions turned the life of our family inside out. I have been unable to talk with anyone about the situation for fear that my children’s relationship with their father will be affected. If I talk with family, their opinion about my kid’s father will be forever changed and I know they will never view or treat him as before. All of my friends spend time around my kids and I fear that somehow, if I shared the situation with them, it would also end up affecting the kids. I have been suffering in silence for over 7 years. I got to a point earlier this year that I thought I could spontaneously die if I didn’t change the situation. I talked with the kids. They know that their dad and I don’t get along, but not why. We have both avoided blaming in front of the kids. After asking them if they would be willing to make financial sacrifices to end the constant tension in the house, they said they would do whatever they could. They know that neither of us is happy and they shared that it has affected their happiness too. I asked my husband to begin to financially separate last Spring and he is supposed to be out of the house by the end of January 2014. I have only asked to keep the kids and the house. I will make the payments and ask for no child support. I don't want to need anything from him. I make enough to get by.

I appear to everyone around me to be very stable, reliable and responsible. For most of my family and friends, I am the first person that they ask for advice. My work hasn’t noticeably suffered. I can’t help but to think, how is this possible? On the inside I am withering away to dust! After reading many posts on here, I realize that I have probably built a little compartment to cram all of my crap and close the door tightly. But the problem is that the door won’t close. It keeps opening at what seem to be random times. I have paid attention lately and noticed that it isn’t random. There is always a touch, smell, sound, taste or visual cue that unlocks that door and it flies open. I have taken many different meds to try to control the flashbacks, dreams and silent rage. I currently take a SSRI that has worked better than all of the other drugs. It has smoothed some of the rough edges, so to speak. I am however, still emotionally detached. I feel like I may never be able to love anyone but my children .

I have also suffered physically with this hidden trauma. I was diagnosed with Graves disease about 3 years ago. Graves disease is a condition where your thyroid is hyperactive. It ends up flooding your system with thyroid hormones and has some life threatening effects if not controlled. This, in the absence of family history (I have none), can be directly linked to severe physical and/or emotional trauma. I had a resting heart rate of 138 bpm when diagnosed. I had to have radiation therapy to kill part/all of my thyroid so it wouldn’t kill me. I am now on a synthetic thyroid medication for the rest of my life.

Sorry to be so long, but it feels good to be able to get it out. I wish I would have started writing, if only to myself, years ago. Thanks for the space to be me. I know more will come.

Deb

 

[Jill101]

I am glad you posted and are seeking support. The important thing, is to do what is best for you and when you take the very best care of yourself and grow stronger - you will find peace of mind and your children will readily see that and you will be a positive role model. So many times in life, we try to do what is best for everyone else (especially our children). Many of us who have stayed in terribly difficult marriages and have raised children to adults, often hear the adult children say that they wish their parents had separated/divorced long ago. I am one of those women - I separated from my husband many times over 33 years and always came back thinking it would get better and it was best for the kids to have an intact family. Looking back, it is so clear to me that if I had taken care of me first, I would have been able to develop a stable home life for my children. I fell so deeply into depression each time, that I kept going back - putting myself second/third/last. My error was in not getting the proper support for myself. I hope you can find a support group of women. They are out there. Check with the local YWCA or other community agencies. In hearing other women's life stories and paths - you will gain strength to move forward and be proud of yourself for making a positive change. I wish you all the best.

 

[StrongHeart]

Finding Grace, I recently went through a divorce from a marriage of 23 years. I am slowly healing from the pain, and discovering new ways that his emotional abuse harmed me. I wish you well, and am sending warm strong vibes of healing your way tonight. You will get through this.

 

[Jill101]

To StrongHeart - Patricia Evans has several excellent books on THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and also offers an annual retreat in California which I went to once - it was so very helpful.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm glad you posted too. There are people here who can help support you in this process. It sounds like you are truly doing your best.

 

[Finding Grace]

One of the members of my chorus died. About 30 of us sang at the funeral. I didn't feel anything. Mentally, I knew she was gone and that I would really miss her. It was like the emotional gear didn't engage. I also had a similar experience 3 years ago when my dad died. I thought that I didn't get emotional at my dad's funeral because we weren't a close family. He was an alcoholic that was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I forgave him decades ago. I know he did the best he could given his circumstances. So, I wasn't concerned that I didn't have much, if any emotion bubble up. But he death of my friend and chorus member should have stirred something! I felt nothing but love and friendship towards her. I had to leave right after we sang. I felt uncomfortable and out of place among the other emotional chorus members. On the ride home I wondered if I would ever feel again? If I do, will all of the unexpressed feelings over the years come out at once like when a dam breaks? Will I survive it?

 

[a3a2]

Dear finding grace, I think that your relationship and love for your kids is a great place to start. I think once you can get him out of your house, you will better be able to handle some of the emotional baggage. One thing at a time.

 

[Seaotter]

I was with a sex addict for 4 years. We bought our first house together and 2 months later I found out. He had one affair our whole relationship, was addicted to cyber, to porn, met other women, likely more and I was in complete shock. What got me through? I read everything by Patrick Carnes and other writers. I created a blog to get out all of my emotions - and I had about 500 active followers. There are some fantastic, great blogs out there for partners.and addicts. , What I learned is that it is their addiction, their way to numb, and that our intimacy was affected because sex with someone they care about and respect is like sleeping with a sister. It has nothing to do with us. There are almost two selves the guy we see and "little porn man". I felt ashamed it took me a year to leave. It took a long time to heal and I still have issues four years later, I was just in a relationship with the most trustworthy person I've ever met. I thought, like the SA, that it was too good to be true, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I spot checked. It really hurt him and we took a break (he has CPTSD so he would have pushed me away anyway but this was the perfect reason for him to bail). There is research that shows that SA's pick strong women as their partners and they really want that connection but any emotion good or bad they act out. You sound like a very strong woman too, but it's ok to be broken and vulnerable and sad and angry. I get the overfunctioning - I have a great career, make a great salary, and most of my friends think I'm together, but since this last relationship with a truly amazing man, I have fallen apart completely. I was strong for too long and used work to numb. I have the best therapist who is doing EMDR, somatic and who is really there for me - when she first started the treatment I thought it was all gumpf. It's working. I also go to Al-anon to be among "survivors" - I did not grow up in an addicted home, but I find it helps to be with real people where I don't have to be "on".