Did A Religious Parent Cause You Harm?

[sun seeker]

Great topic, thank you for posting about this.

First, I'll answer no, I did not go through harm from religion in the way you are describing, but I know it is very common and not talked about enough, so I am glad you brought it up. I just want to comment on the question of whether harm from extreme religious practices is any different from any other kind, because I would say the answer is yes. It adds a layer of damage to be healed, for a few reasons. An abused child almost always takes on the blame for the abuse, but a child abused in a religious context in addition grows up believing they deserve the abuse because God sanctions it. In adulthood they will have the added complication of undoing the spiritual damage and finding their own spiritual path.

Also, there is a huge amount of hypocrisy that goes on in religion. I want to be careful here to state that the hypocrisy isn't inherent in any one religion and each one has lots of people who really do follow their beliefs in a loving way. But there are also lots of abusers who find a home in a religious environment and take advantage of vulnerable people because so few will believe it is happening. Take the sexual abuse by priests in Newfoundland for example, or the treatment of Native children by religious priests and nuns in the residential schools as two examples.

I have felt the damage of a milder form of this. I would say the religion I grew up in is mainly a positive thing, but by that same token, no one would expect such outwardly peaceful, gentle people to be hiding skeletons in their closets. I don't know of any evidence on how common this is, but in my limited experience, this peaceful religion harbours an awful lot of sexual abuse. It isn't talked about or dealt with and people go blithely on their way talking about peace and contributing to projects on the other side of the world, while their daughters are suffering silently at home. There are things I don't feel comfortable sharing on a public forum, but maybe one day I'll do it on an anonymous thread. The cognitive dissonance between the outer image and the reality behind closed doors is something I am just beginning, decades later, to mend. This kind of thing isn't exclusive to religion, but it seems very common.

The lack of a clear spiritual path I can believe in is something that disturbs me. The above isn't the only reason for it, but it's part of it.

 

[user27357]

I decided that I would chose for myself. That is my power and right over my own life. Their sickness doesn't dictate to me which religion to chose or eschew.

@Karen12

outside looking in at my childhood theses days too, realising that the choices I make are my own and don't have to be affected by the BS laid down by the birth family. Even if I was to be hearing about my parents religion for the first time today, I am positive I would be repulsed by it after doing just a basic google search on the basis of their beliefs. That's not about my parents or my childhood, that's me and the church on a level field of play, finally.

 

[user27357]

@sun seeker

thanks. Yes, nothing new under the sun as they say. The list of evil acts comitted by outwardly pious people is a long one, no doubt. Hope you can mend your way out of the mess you found yourself in. If you are comfortable naming the religion in a private message maybe we can share some more insites, I think we may be of the same ilk.

 

[missbliss]

i was always told that god would punish me.

 

[dougyhowzer]

I remember being forced to go to church and participating in the choire.. My biological mother was a catholic and says she believes in God , yet she says she never baptized us because she didn't want to bring religion into the family . Yet I don't understand why would she force me and my siblings to go to sunday service and yet say she doesn't want religion in the family.

I don't want to delve into this topic much because In my own experience I don't know how deep my trauma goes and how much did religion play a role because I simply do not know. All I can say is that because one of my parents professed being a catholic religious person , I can't deny the fact that it is most likely probable that I do go through religion abuse.

 

[void]

Religion is one particular manifestation of relationships(a group) within our society.
Think of all of the different relationships involved within a religion.
Now that you have a mental list of these relationships ask yourself the following:

1. What is the primary characteristic of these relationships?
2. Why did the organization form?
3. What do the leaders gain from the perpetuation of the religion?

1. power and control
2. for a small group of men to exert power and control over others
3. continued power and control over the lives of underlings

 

[void]

It should be stated that this is not a global phenomenon.
Clearly, all organized religions follow the power and control model, but there are philosophies which stand in stark contrast to them.
If you ignore the centuries of traditions and superstitions that have been added onto the Eastern philosophies and focus on the core teachings, you can find control-free spirituality.

Eastern philosophy teaches that all is One. No power. No control.
I am you, you are me.
All that exist is One substance, one essence.
Imagine pursuing your spiritual needs with no one to control or coerce you.
Reveling in the glory of this moment and its freedom.
Peace. Calmness. Equanimity.

Peace to you.:)

 

[user27357]

First- my intent here is not to tear apart the beliefs of any one here, or to promote my own views on religion.

If a faith in a higher power is helpful to you I would be a very bad person to do anything to shake that support and I do not intend to do anyone harm.

Many Topics posted here are posted with a warning that the contents may be triggering for others. I would also like to warn that the discussion of religion and it's contribution to PTSD may trigger a negative response in some readers and I urge you to stop here. Right here. If a discussion of religious views will upset you when others post a view opposing your own, you should read another thread today.

Thanks, on with my post:

If you think you are the victim of what I would call "religious narcissists" for parents, I would like to hear your story.

Lets talk about how religious parents either caused our PTSD or set us up for later events without a support system beyond their religion, OK?

I thank you for posting what you feel is helpful and supportive advice but I fear that if we start putting out our own views on religions, pro, con, this one, that one, we will lose sight of what I was hoping would result from my OP, a discussion of damages caused by religious narcissist parenting and hopefully stories of escape and survival and closure. Thanks

 

[void]

@enough
yes, I was.
I have moved on.
Ok?

 

[user27357]

@void
Go in Peace.

Just a side to you, even though I agree with you about the eastern thought and it's apparent lack of the more western style religion as a business model, you should be aware of the very real presence of sexual abuse in monasteries and orphanages operated by some of the so far unnamed eastern religions. Aint nothing new under the sun as they say. Better in many ways, yes, as bad in many ways, also yes. Sadly.

 

[Powder]

My experience is with Baptist, Conservative Baptist, Assembly of God, and "Bible/non-denominational" North American protestant denominations and the above mission societies. I don't include other groups in my opinions. And I have no authority or degrees in this area, just life experience.

My parents were foreign missionaries, and began full time when I was 11, prior to that, they started their own church, hiring out the pastor role, and prior to that, they were church members. I was raised in church, every Sunday, for Sunday school, sermon, and later Wednesday Youth Group.

My first T. said my parents switched from using drugs and alcohol to using religion for a more socially acceptable addiction. I still don't understand what he really meant, as I don't see how a religion can help to numb out pain like Valium and a six-pack. I also know that my father didn't stop using, he just got better at hiding his addictions. Religion offered scripted rules and masks to wear that made it easier to be a total predator and smell like a rose, publically. He even ran for local gov't.

 

[user27357]

@Muse
I can absolutely see how a religion can have a very calming effect on a person. I think of it in terms of a human mind being like a computer for my analogy. In the case of my parents religion, they were taught to shut out all thought other than the teachings of their prophetess and to a lesser degree the teachings found in the bible. They were like a hard drive programmed to only allow certain files to be opened. Any attempt to open another file or to alter the contents of the approved files was seen as an attempt to hack the software and the computer shut down and rebooted automatically. I swear, I know well the look in their eyes when they have checked out and gone to their happy place.

Another very weird aspect of the cult was the belief that somehow a bigger sinner represented a bigger save if converted and a huge score for the member of the church that performed the conversion. Reading the lists compiled by who knows who of members of the religion that can be found on the internet reads like a list of serial killers and child abusers. These people are well known but their common belief in the teachings is not. It is because the cult is full of members seeking out people to save and what better target than those that seek any kind of interaction like only a death row inmate can.

On a lesser level, the members of my parents church loved to trot out the repentant sinners in the church for the younger members to ogle and gawk at. I remember being told all kinds of horror stories about drug use that were so far removed from reality in their weird attempt to create a fear in us. Marijuana will cause male lactation and breasts to grow, you can become heroine addicted just by being around someone that is using and LSD was filling the insane asylums to the level that the government was going to be bankrupt by it in our lifetimes. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.

A few years back I was told by my father that they had been working with a diagnosed schizophrenic and that his conversion was almost complete and he was just about ready to get off the drugs. "the prescription drugs?" I asked. "what difference does it make what kind of drugs? He is doing so much better with the help of the church and he will soon be free of ALL drugs" he replied. No amount of factual data could convince him that taking a schizophrenic off of his medication was dangerous to the sufferer at least and everyone involved at worst. I could see the "shut down, reboot" eyes. I don't know what happened, I quit contacting them shortly after that, over other things that happened between us.

Another point your T was possibly making could be the "socially acceptable" part of his statement. In my parents religion, the society opens to new members and closes behind them, cutting them off from their old societal circles (support groups). A new member is so engulfed by the new acceptance and their time so filled with new activities and friends that it must seem like they have entered a new world apart from their old existence. They will organize 24 hour contact with a new recruit if necessary. Socially acceptable means stay in line and become one of us or we will drop you like a hot rock and you will have 24/7 to think about the mistake you have made. Socially acceptable addiction is a term I can understand fully. Especially when painful thoughts of the past can be overwhelmed by adherence to such a strong belief system and enforced by everyone they are in contact with has a common goal to create another religious robot by reprogramming the computer.

I digress.

This thread wasn't supposed to involve what they do, its supposed to be about what they did to us and how it affected us.

Did someone try to reprogram you and hurt you in deep ways in their attempts? Can we all talk about it and help each other get past it by sharing common stories of survival and healing?

I was hurt deeply and can't see a way to get past the fact that the people I was supposed to trust had such a negative effect on my life and they did it systematically, purposefully and with absolutely no remorse. I think they probably thought they weren't harsh enough, I escaped with free will and no acceptance of their faith at all. They probably wish they had found a way to get me committed to a hospital or that I had ended up sleeping under a bridge and seen the error of my ways. It probably really pissed them off that I was able to survive on my own at 14, learn a trade, raise a family, own a home, have a thirty year career. Thats probably why they just became bigger and bigger assholes to me and my family. Because I was a survivor.