Sexual Assault Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[CrazyHorse]

I am at loss for words! Classic victim blaming phrases at myptsd forum! I did not think I would live to see the day!

I am glad I have never shared my story in detail on here back when I was more vulnerable, but in case you are wondering, yes, I was VERY drunk during the rape and VERY confused afterwards, because I considered him a friend, but mostly because I was ignorant about rape and the nature of sexual assault.

The only one who made a freeking bad decision was the guy who decided to assault you!

I am so sorry for what you went through!

 

[Nicolette]

Classic victim blaming phrases at myptsd forum!

What are 'classic' victim blaming phrases please?

 

[CrazyHorse]

I don't feel comfortable repeating the phrases, because frankly, they are not that nice!

Maybe this will clear it up for you:

 

[anthony]

I am at loss for words! Classic victim blaming phrases at myptsd forum! I did not think I would live to see the day!

There have always been diverse opinions since this forum opened, and your thoughts above are very limited to what you have read here versus what is actually here. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but many a woman have claimed rape when caught having sex, or discovered, because they didn't want to be in trouble themselves. It happens in cheating, it happens from parents walking in, it happens on partners discovering their partner in bed with another, it happens even in someone dying, it happens after a drunken sexcapade, a person yells rape under false pre tense is factual accurate.

I'm quite honestly unsure why you believe 100% of cases is rape, sexual assault, or any other applicable legal name available depending on the specifics. There are actual posts here of people stating they were raped, and everything they said added up to rape, 100%... then the other side of the story, the male, got wind of what the person wrote, retorted, and suddenly the entire thing was discovered to be complete nonsense and that the person wanted sympathy / to not feel blamed, for cheating on someone else. There have been numerous upon numerous cases of this here over the years.

So again... I don't think your experience of time upon this forum has really seen enough, otherwise you wouldn't say such a thing. People aren't who they always claim to be, and there is ALWAYS a second side to a story. I am not implying that specifically about this case here, but the forum as a whole.

The person here may have been sexually assaulted, they may not, and when you post half hearted and unsure, mixed messages, posting snippets of both aspects of supposed fact, opinions often become diverse as they have in this thread.

Seriously... people really need to remember where they are. This is the anonymity of being online, and things aren't always what you think they are and a persons story is purely one sided. There is another side, and most likely, somewhere in the middle is the truth. Accusing another of victim blaming pretty much puts you in the same pot due to accusing them in the first place.

Sometimes people struggle to get the actual facts out, some leave out a lot of facts because they don't want to be blamed for their actions in something... again, trust me, there are a lot of members here who fall into this category who have such aspects in their trauma history. When ambiguous posts are made, people go one side or the other, and you just have to accept opinion diversity when those type of threads appear.

A followup post from the members gives more sway to sexual assault, but to be perfectly honest, you also can't discount all the other statements made by the member, you can't discount the factual accuracy because both parties were drunk by admission, you can't discount the fact by admission that permission was given to do everything else, but not sex itself. If someone was going to rape another, I struggle to think they would just stop there when in an isolated room, naked and all alone... and if this person is all rough and tough, forcing things upon them, then why didn't they force sex. If you went that far, why not all the way? Again... IMHO, things don't add up entirely for me to say yes, I concur... thus I say no, I do not concur, and thus I believe she cheated on her boyfriend and feels guilty as hell afterwards as a result. You could have been assaulted, or raped, no doubt about it... but it doesn't clearly add up to that for me.

Contrary to popular belief, people really can have fault, even be at fault, for their trauma.

 

[Pencil]

In bold are some of the 'classic' responses to victims;

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering. . . . In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it on herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail" (Herman, 1997, Trauma and Recovery, p.7-8).

And:
'Traumatic events breach the attachments of family, friendship, love, and community. They shatter the construction of the self that is formed and sustained in relation to others. They undermine the belief system that gives meaning to human experience. They violate the victim's faith in a natural or divine order and cast the victim into a state of existential crisis. It is a shattering of "basic trust." A sense of alienation, disconnection pervades every relationship.'

I'm going to stick my neck out here: I think the OP was 'lucky' - the consequences could have been far worse. I think she went into that bedroom naively, and will hopefully be wiser and more careful in future. We live and learn. I honestly don't think the incident is objectively traumatic, but Herman's description of the shattering effect of having our trust violated is still valid in this case. I still think there is a massive divide between what she 'asked for' and what she got.

If the OP stands to gain anything from this thread it is perhaps that responses here are a sample of what she can expect to find in the 3D world.

 

[taylafilmista]

I've talked to some girls that I know and the man has a tendency to be forceful with women when he's been drinking. I should have been more aware. He did not rape me, no. But he was forceful in all other sexual acts. I asked if I cheated, because he asked me if I had ever cheated on my boyfriend before, afterward. That was an awkward question to answer because I had never wanted to cheat on him in the first place. I had no idea he was naked until he had grabbed ahold of me. It was a dark cabin. I don't feel like I need to defend myself anymore, what he did was aggressive and shocking. The most confusing factor was that he was my friend.

 

[taylafilmista]

If the OP stands to gain anything from this thread it is perhaps that responses here are a sample of what she can expect to find in the 3D world.

Thank you for clearing up what PTSD actually is. I came to this forum because I was utterly confused and didn't want to ask these questions to people close him or me. This only happened to me a week ago and I could feel a sense of panic and wanted to get this out of me ASAP and I thank you for hearing me. Things are clearer now. And I will seek help. I don't want to loose faith in friends or men I want to have trust.

 

[Pencil]

I don't feel like I need to defend myself anymore, what he did was aggressive and shocking. The most confusing factor was that he was my friend.

Yes, it was aggressive and shocking, especially coming from a friend. I am so sorry you went through this, and I am ESPECIALLY sorry you had to defend yourself.

 

[anthony]

I don't feel like I need to defend myself anymore, what he did was aggressive and shocking. The most confusing factor was that he was my friend.

I don't think you need to defend yourself, period. I am glad though that you have talked with friends locally about the issue. You take what you want to take from forums, and you leave what you want to discard. That is the beauty of online social networks... you get to choose from diversity.

 

[Mayday]

I have been thinking about this the last few days. I am saddened by the victim blaming comments in this thread particularly by Anthony.

I no longer see Myptsd as a safe place to be and will be deleting my account.

Rape culture is a heinous to me as racism and to try and defend those views as valid opinions is unacceptable to me.

 

[ghotiff]

I think one thing that went wrong in this thread is that the original title was taken by some as a face value black and white question, and the yes/no answers sparked strong reactions.

In my humble opinion. The real question being asked was "please help me understand what happened and help me through these confusing feelings that I have now"

 

[anthony]

I no longer see Myptsd as a safe place to be and will be deleting my account.

I'm shocked then that its taken this long... because MyPTSD has never been a safe place. In fact, I actually quite say it is not your safe place. It more often than not triggers a person often, it often heightens symptoms... though it also has more positive affects than negative overall, being support, diverse opinions and views, and learning how to kick the crap out of your symptoms and fears by talking with others on how they're doing it... then trying things yourself, discussing it, refining and continuing.

Again, shocked it took you this long if your basis for being here was it being a safe place. This is the internet and a global website.

According to some... apparently admins here should only be supportive and not have honest opinions. Guess that comes back to the other threads relevance, should we always say yes!