Sexual Assault Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[Lucycat]

What is this nonsense that women 'ask for it' if they drink too much?

That was not my intention. All I meant was that she has very clear recall with a lot of detail (compared to my ability) for someone who is very drunk

tantamount to victim-blaming

Definitely not.

 

[Echo]

Definitely not.

The OP does not say she was VERY drunk. People use the term, 'drunk' for a sliding scale of inebriation. Me, I would say I was drunk after 3 glasses of wine, but then I throw up after any more. However, I can remember what happens to me in that state.

I would urge you to read the whole thread, @Lucycat and put yourself in the OP's shoes. It is no wonder she hasn't been back and may not see this site as a safe place for her. And please don't think I am directing my comments just at you, Lucycat. This is also not the only thread where people have rushed to judge alcohol consumption before offering help.

 

[fly away home]

I am appalled at some of the responses here. Truly appalled.


I feel like we have gone back to the 1950's.

So she had a few drinks. So she walked into the bedroom of someone she knew well. And oh my goodness she danced!

Since when does that make it OK?

She repeatedly said no. He was aggressive, holding the victim down and dominant.

I'm truly astounded that people here think that this is ok. I am losing faith in humanity if this is ok.

 

[Justmehere]

Argh, for some reason the quote function is not working for me. Please bear with me.

@Lucycat - you asked, "So how far did you mean it to go?" Why does that matter? It went further than she wanted, and she said no to sexual acts and he did them anyhow.

If I tell a guy I want them to kiss me, and then he tries to have sex with me, and I tell him no stop, does my telling him it was ok to kiss me make it ok for him for force me to do other sexual acts? I hope we can agree that it is not ok.

It is even possible for something to be cheating and sexual assault. But the cheating wouldn't make sexual assault ok. (And for the record, I don't see anything about what the OP wrote to be indicative of anything more than being inappropriately flirtatious with other guys.)

Let's say, hypothetically, she even wanted to make out with him, naked. She outright says she did not want that, and that she said no to all of this. But lets say for sake of argument she did want to even go that far... and that would have been cheating. It would have been playing with fire. If she said, please make out with me and he made out with her, that is not rape.

But if at any point she says no, I don't want this, and he continues with that sexual act, then it no longer is a consensual sexual encounter but a forced sexual act done against her will. Which is assault. Which is illegal in most countries, even if she initially said yes to other acts. It was very wrong for him to proceed to other sexual acts after she clearly said no. Even the guy involved who did this seems to have bad feelings about what he did.

I was raped, at knife point by a violent stranger. I was not drunk, he was not drunk. There was a point where I stopped resisting as strongly as I was trying to not freeze up and I was trying so damn hard to mitigate the damage he was doing to me and not get hurt worse. He was caught, confessed plead guilty and went to jail. I said no, I screamed, I fought back. Even after all this, I felt guilty. I felt confused. I felt conflicted. I wanted to talk to him and to tell him what he did was wrong and yet I also had weird psuedo-compassion for him. Even in these circumstances, I wanted to tell him, "it's ok." Even in these circumstances I felt guilty and like I brought it on...

Which is why we have to look past drunkenness and confused feelings after the fact. We have to look at actions. She said no. He proceeded anyhow. Wanting any level of involvement doesn't mean every level of involvement is permissible and ok. Doing any forced sexual acts after someone says no is anything other than wrong. It's illegal.

And it's doesn't sound from what she has said that it is a situation like Anthony describes, where she says no, but really then later says yes.

Are we going to now say that well, if she was wearing a short skirt because she wanted to feel attractive to men, then any guy who jumped her bones against her will was not committing assault?

Even if a guy or girl wants an encounter to go somewhere, if either of them say no stop, and the other keeps going, it's assault.

 

[Lucycat]

I feel like every time I post I am just digging the hole even deeper and it is presumed that I am neither compassionate nor sympathetic. I thought I was giving an honest opinion to the original question.

However I want to be clear that I do not condone sexual assault.
I do not think being drunk or what one wears is any reason for a person to assault another.
I do believe that no means no.
But...

. By your own admission you gave permission for him to do everything else
.

I hope the op returns to voice her opinions. I notice she has not logged on since her post before any further discussion.

 

[taylafilmista]

I don't mean to diminish anyone else's experiences or traumas. I am a sexually active 25 year old, but what happened that night felt different from anything else and out of my control. I am close and loving toward my friends and always feel safe being physically close to them, however this friend in particular did something unexpected I was caught off guard. No I was not in a house full of people that could hear what was going on and after he forcefully took my clothes off my plan was not to take off screaming naked through the dark toward his friends and family. I was nervous and confused. Yes I remember what happened, it was a sobering experience. I am mainly confused by the feelings of what was a kind hearted friendship and now feelings of anger guilt and blame. Thank you for your bravery in handing guidance to others.

 

[Echo]

@taylafilmista - I hope you've got someone to talk to, like a therapist. If not, you may need some help to sort this out and put it into a healthy perspective. It is very hard when you feel a friendship has been betrayed, but you do need to think first and foremost of yourself. The guy concerned needs to have a good look at himself, but don't allow that process to confuse your healing.

You can get help without reporting anything, in the first instance. You don't have to give any identifying details. But don't let this rot away inside you. I don't know if you have PTSD, but one of the key reasons people get it after the event, though by no means the only one, is a lack of support.

That support will also help you to deal with your boyfriend and his response to how you are feeling now.

I wish you all the best.

 

[cherryblossom]

He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant. I got physically tired but managed to keep him from actually having sex with me but allowed him to do everything else.

This is assault.

I've read many replies here which I disagree with, and don't really have enough time to go through them individually. I don't care now drunk you were, or who had clothes on, or how much you flirted, you have said no and he was aggressive and held you down.

I also know from experience that something shocking or unusual happening can 'sober' you up in an instant, so that the hours before an event can be 'hazy', but the moment something bad /unexpected happens, you can recall everything, so I disagree that someone who is drunk would be unable to recall a sexual encounter (wanted or not), However, there are varying levels of 'drunkenness', which will vary completely from person to person.

By your own admission you gave permission for him to do everything else

I don't think that's true, she said

allowed him to do everything else

'Allowed, doesn't necessarily mean the same as saying yes/ giving consent.
I have been raped /assaulted to the point, where I have stopped 'fighting' and just let him do whatever (?allowed?), in the hopes of getting it over with.

A massive part of my guilt (following rape at knife point), was that in my head, I 'allowed' it happen, because I didn't fight hard enough, or scream loud enough


I have also been completely frozen, and unable to scream, so I don't think not screaming out for help, is a valid reason to sexually assault someone.

@taylafilmista , for some reason, some people here seem to be almost disbelieving your opening post as a true representation of what happened. I take your post at face value, and believe you, when you say you told him to stop.

I didn't mean for it to go that far but I don't know how not feel like consoling HIM. What the f*ck am I thinking??

However, I don't really understand that part, and it's perhaps this which is putting doubt in peoples minds. I'm not disbelieving you, in that it happened, the way you describe in your first post. However, the fact that you question whether you cheated on your boyfriend makes me wonder if there is something you are not disclosing. What makes you think that this was not assault and that you cheated on your boyfriend?

 

[Echo]

After I was raped when I was 20, for many weeks I felt sorry for my rapist. I felt he could not have meant what he did. I thought maybe he thought that was what sex was. I now realise that it was a distancing thing; a way of making it not as bad as it actually was. I suppressed the fact that he tried to strangle and smother me, and all the other horrible aspects of it. I think it was a function of shock and having to deal with it on my own. I needed someone else to tell me the truth, to give me that clearer perspective. I believe that thinking about him instead of myself was a way of avoiding what had just happened. In my case, this was primed by what had happened to me as a child and my survivor's need to read other people and to never attend to myself.

I don't mean in saying this that you have the same background, @taylafilmista but I do think the fact that this was your friend and a deeply shocking and unexpected event for you, may have meant that your brain has also found a similar way to cope and distance you from what has happened. You won't be the first person who worries that your assault or rape has been some sort of betrayal of your relationship with your partner, even though it is nothing of the sort.

 

[bell]

He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant.

Just repeating these sentences. Because to me, it's very clear, no matter what else happened, an assault did.

Edited to add: Sometimes when you're assaulted like that, you don't know what's going on. As in, your brain can't process what is happening, is it bad? Is it good? These things don't necessarily pop into your head, you just know that you said "no" and this person isn't stopping and you don't know why they don't listen to you. And, I can imagine, especially for someone who has never had experience with assault before (god willing, no one would ever have to "experience" it, but I digress), to be truly confused as to why they weren't being listened to, especially when they so clearly said "no" repeatedly. Sometimes it just doesn't compute.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I just want to add..

While in a horribly abusive relationship my abuser, ex fiancé, whatever, would often get extremely violent (hit me, kick me, push me, rape me, drag me across the floor and down stairs, take out knives, hurt me in any way he could) after his episodes finished he would hold me and cry. And honestly, I would console him, because I needed to be consoled also and genuinely knew he felt bad every time. That's a different situation, but it's not uncommon to bond with your abuser.

Even in a one off instance, if you know the person it's not crazy to have compassion. You're both trying to weigh things up.

I hope you're doing okay. I definitely recommend talking to someone and getting help, even if you're still unsure what to put it down to, if you want to change your mind later about what happened you have the right to and no one will judge you. I'm here for you.

 

[Springer80]

Can I say something on a tangent....You say you have beautiful boyfriend but it's been on and off for years.
I've been in 'on and off' relationships and in my experience if I'm totally honest with myself,...they were a bit screwed up and not emotionally nourishing at all. They were what I could get because I didn't feel good enough or, and more importantly, I was too scared to voice my true emotions, so I didn't get what I needed and was vulnerable to being given the run around.

Potential sexual assault aside, you seem to be worried about the events because it may be construed as 'cheating'. Yet the person you have perhaps 'betrayed' is someone from whom security and commitment is not forthcoming.

Also this man at the party: whatever the context of what happened, you seem to have put his comfort before your own afterwards.

I'm not judging you, I have a litany of mistakes in my past but I would wonder about how you function in relationships and what you're using them for at this time because it doesn't seem to be doing you a great service.