Relationship Did I do the right thing by breaking up with him?

[nursenurse]

I have 3 words. Abusive. Abusive. Abusive. In my opinion, there should be no reprieve for this. While I was reading these posts, I was hoping you would stand by your guns. His words were threatening and manipulative. His apology/explanation almost made me lose my tea. When are you going to truly draw your line in the sand and get out while you can? There is no amount of therapy that will make this alright, I dont care who he is, or what he has done. He should be free to practice his new self on somebody else, if he ever gets to that point. Otherwise, he will continue on the same path with you. You are worth so much more than this.

 

[Gs172003]

Youre good people, Caligirl. Of course you worry.

But really, he should have thought of how troubled he is before he threatened you. This? Sounds just more violent guy trying to pull all strings to get you back, not even actually suicidal guy. Still the same harm to you tune. Only now hurting you by worry for his sorry ass.

I ended up married like that. @caligirl03 dont let him pull your heart strings. If he mentions suicide again call 911. Let them deal with him. I've been manipulated that way many many times by a few people. It's no fun.

 

[caligirl03]

It still hurts like hell. I'd been with him a long time, was childhood friends with him before we ever got together, and gave our love everything I got. It makes me sad to think I'll never have the type of relationship I wish to have with him. Despite it all I don't think he's a bad person, just a broken one.

 

[Sweetpea76]

In the past and before I had better boundaries, he definitely screamed at me inches from my face and called me every derogatory name in the book, making me feel very much unloved and unsafe in those moments. For some reason, after everything I've read and all the VA group sessions I've attended, I always thought this was sort of the nature of the beast and pretty standard combat PTSD behavior

Hell no.

Anger, rage, aggression or“fight” in fight/flight situations, perhaps. Degradation and intimidating smaller, weaker, females... not so much. That’s personality, not PTSD.

 

[Freida]

Supporter of a combat vet here. I just wanted to let you know that him calling you derogatory names and yelling in your face is NOT the nature of the beast. It’s unhealthy and totally unacceptable on his part. Please don’t fall into the trap of making his unacceptable behavior in your relationship acceptable solely because he has PTSD. It’s not fair to either one of you. I’m sending you hugs.

This ^^^^
PTSD is not a free ticket to be an abusive asshole. Combat vet or non combat vet. I have friends who react like this - and they ALWAYS make sure they are away from their loved ones when they get wound up.

 

[talon]

My sufferer and I were in an argument when he told me he wanted to "smash my face into the pavement." I broke up with him right then and there as I feel like he just went way too far, even if he was just "talking out of anger." Did I overreact or make the right choice?

Not the sort of reaction one wants to hear neither do you want to wait to see if he meant it you did the right thing

 

[Tinyflame]

yesterday he told me he'd been thinking about how and where he would commit suicide if he "were to do it." But then quickly dismissed it by saying "but I never would.

I don't think people spend much time thinking of things they wouldn't do, so am not at all surprised if knowing hime from childhood this is out of character (Idk if it is in character or not); like the saying often when we need love the most we deserve it the least. Unfortunately love alone is not enough.

I hope it works out for you, whatever you choose or have chosen. :hug:

 

[Sighs]

@caligirl03 - I wish I had left when he was “only” threatening violence. I also excused far too much as being “normal” for a combat vet with ptsd. Please do not take this man back. Instead read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I wish I had read it before things escalated to physical violence.

 

[blackemerald1]

Despite it all I don't think he's a bad person, just a broken one.

He doesn't have to be a bad person to do bad things. Good people do bad things all the time. Hence the complete surprise on everyone's faces when something catastrophic happens by someone they thought was essentially a good person.

But the broken bit? He's got to deal with that. If his broken parts/personality/mind/whatever is preventing him from not threatening you - then that's not safe. If it's preventing him from regulating himself - that's not safe either.

You cannot be safe around a person that is broken to the point where they have no or reducing inhibitions in respect to your wellbeing and safety. Lots of other things might be up for negotiation but I really don't think this is. Do you? It's not a high bar to reach is it?

And whatever is running around in your head about being perhaps partly to blame for him losing it, or it's a once off, or maybe it will never happen again if I ask him to not do it again... and etc.... please try and remember it's not your fault, you are not responsible and it's not safe.

I know you are so sad. I'm so very, very sorry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

No excuses fix smashed faces.

He has responsibility for his actions and what comes out of his mouth.

 

[caligirl03]

So just for my own understanding, what's considered "acceptable" in terms of anger as a PTSD symptom? Because I know it definitely is a symptom for many people. So where's the line in general?

 

[Chris-duck]

So just for my own reference and understanding, what's considered "acceptable" in terms of anger as a PTSD symptom?

Sufferer here but I'd say it's the exact same for someone who doesn't have PTSD? Like there's a difference between anger and aggression, like someone with PTSD might get really mad when they're dysregulated, that doesn't really give them the right to act aggressively though imo