Did My Accusations Of Infidelity Cause A Relapse?

[Forever Husband]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have two children 8-9. In 2013 we hit some rocky times. My wife had been failing out of nursing school and had become addicted to pain killers after her back surgery. She gained sixty pounds and went from being a successful salon owner who always looked fantastic to an overweight nursing student living in scrubs and t-shirts. She lost her self confidence after 6 years attempting to get an associates degree only to be kicked out and now is suing the school. I will admit that I was frustrated and didn't understand why she gave up on life after giving us two great kids. Sex was always good but became less and less. Then I found a suspicious text in her phone from a doctor talking about the statistics of married women who had affairs at work. I started to watch her. Then I found a pregnancy test hidden in the closet and I had a vasectomy long ago. She was constantly changing her passwords claiming she would forget them. She was always staying late after work or school to study or use the printer. She would come home with nothing printed and would say she worked on something else. She suddenly wanted me to do double penetration with her with sex toys and our sex at home got rough and dirty at her request. I tracked her to apartment complexes in the ghetto and she became obsessed with black men and black music. I found a OBGYN receipt that said she had a miscarriage among other things and finally confronted her. I showed her other evidence that she had no answers for. She quickly said that I must be cheating and trying to cover it up. When I pressured her for answers she told me that it wasn't something she was capable of because she had been gang raped. Not once, but many, many times until she became a willing participant. She said it was easier to make everyone think she was a slut than to pity her as a victim. From age 14 to 19 she had countless gangbang experiences and been raped at least eight times. She never told me any of this our entire marriage. Now I am trying to get her help. I went a counselor today by myself because she refused to go. She said she would go next time. All of the PSTD symptoms answer a lot of questions about how she treats me. I don't know what to do now. If I listed all of the lies she tells this post would never end. Now I feel as though my marriage was a lie. I am questioning everything. I love her and want to get her help but I am still so angry and betrayed. Is her behavior typical? Do meds and therapy help? We did have some great years when she had self esteem. Can she get it back or was that a lie too?

 

[Friday]

The symptoms were already present when you accused her... So that's extremely unlikely to have been the trigger.

Have you read this, yet, by chance?

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

 

[Forever Husband]

Maybe I'm using the wrong terms. I accused her almost a year ago. She had stories for everything but no answers. We stayed together and I thought that she had stopped because she saw that I cared. I did continue to ask her how I am supposed to believe some of her stories. She told me about the rapes a few weeks ago and said that she only felt this low since then and has been a mess ever since. Old memories are coming back she had buried and forgotten. I feel horrible but I don't think I'm wrong about the cheating.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

When I pressured her for answers she told me that it wasn't something she was capable of because she had been gang raped.

WHOA, STOP THE PRESSES! So let me get this straight.....she's incapable of cheating because she was gang raped? If you believe this, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you...

If I listed all of the lies she tells this post would never end.

PTSD does not make someone lie. It is not a symptom, not now, nor will it ever be. She has the choice to lie, so please don't blame her lying on PTSD. There are MANY of us here on the forum who suck at lying and couldn't do it to save our lives. (There's a thread about that somewhere around here...)

Is her behavior typical?

No. I repeat, No. Her behavior is not typical. Not the lying, not the "I can't cheat because I was gang raped" BS either.

Do meds and therapy help?

Yes, but you have to try to heal. Forcing her to get help won't do diddly unless she wants to heal. Its ALL on her.

We did have some great years when she had self esteem. Can she get it back or was that a lie too?

It might have been a lie. Who knows. People can fake the self-esteem stuff for years.


Its concerning that you seem to blame the PTSD for all the lying. The miscarriage when you had a vasectomy. (If it was yours, she wouldn't be hiding all that, right? It would be more like "whoops, guess the vasectomy wasn't 100%....")

PTSD doesn't cause lying or cheating. You need to get into marriage counseling. She needs to get into trauma therapy. And I think you need your own therapist, too.

 

[Gadgie]

Having read your post, it sounds like it was right after her failure to gain her nursing degree, that her life went started to spin out of control.

That alone could have been the trigger, along with the feeling of low esteem, could have brought back the feelings of failure, and lack of confidence, that stayed with her after those horrific events that she suffered earlier in her life.

Try and get her to go to therapy, as it sounds like she really needs help, and give her all the support you can, as it must have been really hard for her to tell you those things, but with your love and support, along with professional help, you can help her get through this living hell that she is going through now.

 

[Forever Husband]

Having read your post, it sounds like it was right after her failure to gain her nursing degree, that her...

you are quite perceptive. We had ten years of a good thing. We owned a very successful salon and we were both national performing artists for a well known hair care company. She would get on a stage in front of hundreds of people and was so charismatic they adored her. We stopped traveling to start a family. After our second child was born she wanted something new as a career. She always had to be busy. Ever changing, never content. She went into healthcare because her best friend at the time was a PA. She had dropped out of high school (now I know why) so she didn't really have the foundation to succeed. It is not an area where good looks and charisma matter much. She started school in 2007 and the cheating started in 2013 after years of struggling to succeed ended in failure. The counselor said she may have returned to what she was "good at" with the sex after feeling like a failure to me and to herself.

 

[Justmehere]

You didn't cause her relapse. She may have been triggered by your actions in many ways. Sometimes very good things, neutral things, and bad things can trigger people with PTSD.

Something triggering a relapse is different triggering symptoms and someone choosing to relapse and not take more action to get help and get better.

I'm not so concerned that your actions "caused" or lead to her relapse. I am very concerned about the overall dynamic. You clearly do not trust her much, perhaps for very good cause, and she is all over the place. It seems there is more than just PTSD going on.

I agree with this 100%:

PTSD doesn't cause lying or cheating. You need to get into marriage counseling. She needs to get into trauma therapy. And I think you need your own therapist, too.