Sexual Assault Did my ex boyfriend sexually assault me?

[open eyes]

In January, I dumped my boyfriend of 2 years. There were many reasons why, but the main ones were because of his pattern of selfish behavior and compulsive lying.

Last year, we were having sex and at the bare minimum, he crossed boundaries. I consented to having sex initially. Previously, I've enjoyed *light* throat grabbing during sex, after giving permission. In that incident, he full on choked me to the point where I could barely breathe, and in vulgar terms continued to jackhammer me. I told him to stop choking me, and he did. Not a minute later, he started choking me again. I was terrified. My whole body went numb and I froze. Eventually we finished having sex, after me saying multiple times "I think we should stop", and him asking to continue a little longer. Once we finally stopped, he went into the bathroom and finished himself off. I lay on the bed, confused and

Ever since, I get anxious just thinking about it. I've had nightmares and panic attacks. From then on, sex was always painful.

Did he sexually assault me?
I've been so confused and disturbed for the last year.

 

[Kubash16]

To be honest I’m not sure about semantics for full on sexual assault.

However, he most definitely was in the wrong.

Before engaging in choking, is he aware of the proper way to do it? (Don’t ever just straight up choke, there’s a right way and a wrong way). Did you have discussions about boundaries and even safe words before hand? You don’t have to be doing full on BDSM to implement safe words.

 

[Nessa7]

Personally, I would consider that to be sexual assault. It might be a good idea to work through this with a therapist. From your description, it sounds like you should have been able to expect your boyfriend to stop having sex with you and choking you based on what you said to him.

If you are considering reporting this to the police, the legal definitions of sexual assault can be more complicated and don't always fit the moral definition.

 

[Friday]

I wouldn’t classify it as sexual assault in my own life... something I’m usually fine with I’m not fine with, (or it’s new and I discover I’m not fine with it); I call halt, and we negotiate &/or stop. That’s almost the definition of consensual. Because we’re engaging with each other / talking about what each of us wants, seeing if we can come to an agreement, but at the end of the day no both wins and is respected.

But it’s also not this black and white thing where rape is bad and everything else is fine & dandy.

There’s this whole great big wide spectrum of f*cked up that falls far short of rape that runs smack into my soft limits this isn’t gonna fly or hard limits, and f*ck that noise. Not only no, but hell no, I’m done. <<< Whether that’s done having sex, or done with them full stop? Varies.

The exact same thing is true outside of the bedroom, also. Someone’s behavior doesn’t have to be abusive to piss me off, make me sad, or spell the end of a relationship. So eone’s behavior can be so beyond what I am willing to accept that we’re done. For good. Get the f*ck out of my house, my life, and never -ever- come back... and not even be in the same universe as abuse. Or it can be “just” something that is a moment in passing. Not something I’d break up over, but definitely something I’m going to be mad or hurt over. And it is just. As in justice, fair/equitable. Something doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse to be upset by it. Honestly, it really shouldn’t. If something does have to rise to that level to get my notice? My head isn’t on straight.

Ever since, I get anxious just thinking about it. I've had nightmares and panic attacks. From then on, sex was always painful.

Makes sense.

There’s this thing that can happen when you have big bad juju trauma / PTSD is your version of normal... that I mentioned earlier; the Black & White thing. Tends to flow one of two ways. What I mentioned before is part of it (if it doesn’t rise to this level? It’s not a problem) and conversely, if I am bothered by it, it must rise to this level. Totally not true. On both accounts. Life is more complicated than that.

You can have huge reactions, and suffer serious f*cking consequences from a huge number of things that don’t rise to the level of life threatening event or sexual assault, for an equally large number of reasons. And that’s not wrong. At all.

Actually... to my way of thinking? That’s things beginning to move in the right direction. My caring about things in the normal sphere of life & living, giving them proper import. Not minimizing abuse & discounting everything less than abuse. But giving them their proper weight. And that weight? Is often being furious about it. Or hurt. Feeling disrespected. Disgusted. Disappointed. Whatever. Having an emotional reaction to the wrongness of what happened. Disagreeing with the way someone else is choosing to act, and drawing a line, and saying No. Absolutely NOT. I do not agree with this. This? Is wrong. And I will _________. (Left blank because the actions one takes are too long to list.)