DID Did nos

[Laurie2001]

Hi, just wondering whether other people struggle with DID NOS. I guess I dissociate - as my therapist tells me. Its not like dissociation where I don't remember things or have completely different personalities that i am not aware of. But I can feel like I'm 8 years old or even a baby frozen in fear. In recalling interactions with my therapist I know she's right. I'd curl up in a corner. She'd be there for me, sit next to me. At times I'd touch her hair and she said she would never let anyone else do that and I realized that was because I was touching it like a child would. I know I'm not 8 years old during those times, but its not how it feels. These experiences are very discrete - then its like having to move through a forcefield to get back to my adult self.

She sort of wants me to help these parts of myself or talk to them, but the idea makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. Not sure why. Maybe not ready.

Just curious about other people's experiences.

 

[7Cs]

Hi, just wondering whether other people struggle with DID NOS. I guess I dissociate - as my therapi...

I'm not diagnosed with a dissociative but have just started seeing a specialist because my parts came to my attention with my last T and we didn't know what to do with my dissociation in therapy. My new T (specialist) acknowledges my parts and it's such a relief. I also have a young one who is playful and a bit shy that I didn't know about before. I've also thought that my parts were moods but they have more developed ways of being than just moods, you know?

When I first realized I might have parts I did a lot of reading about dissociative disorders and just reading about certain things would make me nauseous. I actually posted about this recently here:

Nausea

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I have age regression when I'm traumatized, and on any medication that messes with gaba in my brain when under trauma. Under serious distress I can be ok, or if it's a repeated abuse I can be immature, and not able to talk like when I was a kid.
It's ok to feel what your feeling. It could be that you are disgusted with the abuse endured at that age, and taking it out on your parts. It could be a lot of things. I used to imagine my younger years, and as if it's a separate person and raise that kid in meditation. I now last time I regressed got up to 17. And no longer have a kid inside. That was integrated. It gets better. It's ok to feel disgusted, but please don't be disgusted with yourself. You can't help it.

 

[Ronin]

Just a for your information: counterphobia / self loathing because of D.I.D. / hating parts that hold trauma?

Is one of the symptoms of D.I.D.

A.k.a.: It's really not you. It's that disorder. It's the intersection with trauma that makes you feel awful, you aren't awful.

 

[Leighlee87]

My therapist has been talking about parts, she briefly discussed DID but stopped because I was fighting tears, mostly I refuse to acknowledge her comments on the topic. For the first time last session, she addressed me in the plural saying things like, "I need all of you..." and "You're homework for this week is to love all of your parts". She discussed how some of my parts take on the abuser role of my father, while other parts play the defiant role against the abuser role. I'm always battling myself. I too take on a very childlike behavior and feelings/ emotions when upset. She asks me how old I feel and the answer always comes back 4 or 12--but I refuse to answer the question out loud. I've always talked to the 4 year old part so long as I remember, and can tell you exactly what she looks like, she is separate from me but lives inside my head for the most part, I've always assumed everyone had that. Like you, I stay aware, but can't really help the behaviors or feeling of being that age in the moment. I am that person.

If emotionally upset enough, I am unable to speak, selective-mutism type. I cannot talk if I want too, and the inabillity to communicate lasts long after I've calmed down or re-regulated. I almost wonder if that might be part of everything? I'm not sure, or just strong dissociation in the singular one-person sense. If pushed beyond that when emotionally upset my entire body goes catatonic, which my therapist once told me would only happen if there was something horrific that had occurred at a very young age. I don't know at all.

But yeah, I fall into that younger self, and am aware of it in the moment, but powerless to stop it. I don't go near my therapist and wouldn't let her near me during it. The 4 year old self that I've always had in my head lives under a table and is terrified to come out and play because the adults might hurt her. She wants to, but she is so beyond petrified, she's usually on the verge of tears, so she stays put. I think it's why I cower in the corner as far away from my therapist as I can when I revert back to that childlike state. I'm positive that if she came near me, there is a huge chance I would get up and run.

The idea of DID terrifies me and I refuse to approach it. I think if my therapist knew about the little girl, she would probably ask me to communicate with her, and so long as I was allowed to do so without speaking outloud and strictly with internal conversations, I could do so.

 

[7Cs]

My therapist has been talking about parts, she briefly discussed DID but stopped because I was fight...

If emotionally upset enough, I am unable to speak, selective-mutism type. I cannot talk if I want too,

If pushed beyond that when emotionally upset my entire body goes catatonic,

I experience these to but think they are relatively common dissociative symptoms. I've brought them up in the forums too and know others here experience them. I too wondered if they were part related.

 

[7Cs]

Curious as to whether you guys have a happy child "part"?
I do and think it's weird since parts are supposed to contain traumatic memories/ emotions.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I have a happy child part I hid in once at 17. The trauma was so f*cking mutts and screaming with a mix of weird silence from everyone on my family around me treating me like Chakapakuni "no bad Chaka" with my ass hanging out I had no choice but to hide in a happy kid. My parents might have looked bad had the truth came out about their past, and they are masters at denial, so I couldn't do much except hide until the gut rapping of my life and emotions were over. Medication made me so dissociated during that time I couldn't help it. I have found out over the years what medications put me into psychotic stupors over the years. We watched kid movies, and colored like a kid. I kind of remember it. It made some of the pain of being traumatized then denied reality and humanity bearable for a little while at least. A few lost time moments that summer of 17, but I couldn't help it. The kid made it so I didn't kill myself.

 

[Laurie2001]

I'm not diagnosed with a dissociative but have just started seeing a specialist because my parts came to my...

Thank you for your response, I get caught up in life and forget to review the posts.

I'm glad you get the idea of feeling nauseous - its if my therapist phrases it in a way that I just want to throw up. But I guess when I go to these places with her it generally feels like I'm reliving a time in my life, me in the past, and she's with me. I don't talk to these parts of myself, I just feel become them. And only certain people would ever see it, like my therapist and my husband. But I got very angry at my therapist yesterday for something that triggered me so much and then i felt invalidated by her - she really had not done anything bad it was just certain words that triggered me and made me feel bad. When she wanted to explore what happened this anger came over me, because all I wanted was her to acknowledge that my reaction made sense. In any case, this anger came out and I guess my eyes narrowed at her and it was definitely not just me at a different age. Maybe it was formed from anger at different ages? So I guess it was more like a part - and something i had not shown before. Again I feel so sick talking about it this way - as a part. But that didn't feel like me as a little girl at any age experiencing what happened then. And I guess you couldn't exactly call it a mood or just an angry reaction. My therapist was really sweet and thanked me for showing it to her and that she felt honored that I did. And she kept saying parts like this helped me survive and she admired me. It was very comforting to have her respond that way. And then I just came out of it and was just my adult self.

So I see it more and more but I still really can't wrap my head around it and it does make me feel bad about myself.

Anyway thank you to everyone for responding. and I'm sorry its taken me so long to read these. They help a lot. I'll probably write more questions or have more response. I have to get ready for work and just saw this.

 

[Laurie2001]

Just a for your information: counterphobia / self loathing because of D.I.D. / hating parts that hold trau...

A very late than you for this explanation. Its very helpful and will try to remember it.