Childhood Did Your Family Know?

[DogwoodTree]

So much of the stuff that happened to me, happened in front of my mom and sisters. He had us brainwashed to believe he was doing what was "best" for us. Other stuff happened behind closed doors, but so much was "in the open" within the household. I always believed I was the crazy one for not liking it and being so uncomfortable and resisting. My sisters poured themselves into the experience, realizing it was an effective way to earn favor. We were his "harem."

I don't have a lot of the complications of being afraid of telling: "Don't tell or I'll kill you" kinds of things. Everyone in the house already knew (though of course we couldn't talk about it outside the family, because those people are stupid and don't know anything). My "secret" is that I'm crazy. Everyone else is normal, and I'm crazy for not liking what everyone else is embracing. According to popular consensus, my "self" has no right to exist as a separate entity...I can only exist to the degree that I play by everyone else's rules. They're trying to "fix" my thinking and save me from my own insanity.

 

[shimmerz]

Insanity is a funny word (not ha ha). It can be used to manipulate, to ruin lives in so many different ways. In my opinion, insanity is a very relative state. Relative to family and societal beliefs. I don't fall for the 'you are crazy' card. It keeps me grounded.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

So much of the stuff that happened to me, happened in front of my mom and sisters. He had us brainwa...

What is relationship with your like with your family today?

 

[Mallaky]

Yes they all knew. The younger made fun about it and used it as a weapon. The older ignored it completely. That my mother abandoned me was used as a funny insult and to end discussion or any sign of opposition. That my next caretaker was insane and cruel was known, and even those she destroyed before me did not do anything.
One woman told me how, when she was a teenager, she tried to kill her by pouring ground glass in her milk, but also told me "Come on, its not so bad. Dont be a crybaby." Will always be my definition of insanity.

And then they gave me the fault for everything. They stole from me and hurt me and laughed at me.
Luckily I have managed to cut any and all contact and they dont even know where I live. I wonder if I celebrate when I ever hear one the f*ckers died, if I feel satisfaction or simply nothing. I guess the latter. I hope it. I would know then that I truly cut them off from who I have become.

 

[Fadeaway]

Yes, my "family" knew, but I was told I was making it up. I know they knew because I got a "Sorry for not stopping it" 15 years later.

I didn't the threats of death either, I got the, "No one will believe you, every one knows you make stuff up," "Your just going to make everyone hate you if you tell," "Do you really want people to know what a little tramp you are?" "Your lucky we put up with you, but we won't put up with you ruining him and then you'll have no one and no where to go." And my favorite, "You just don't know how good you have it, think of all the kids who have it worse."

 

[DogwoodTree]

The younger made fun about it and used it as a weapon.

I'm sorry. I can feel the pain of it just reading that statement.

I get a lot of, "...well we're doing fine after all of it. What's so wrong with you that you're not over it already?" And my sisters resented me when we were kids. They thought I always got the "special" treatment, and they wanted it so badly. And I couldn't get away from it. They were even angry at me when I reported him after I left home. They were mad at me for robbing them of the time to move in and get that favor from him after I had moved out of the house.

I wonder if I celebrate when I ever hear one the f*ckers died, if I feel satisfaction or simply nothing. I guess the latter.

I've wondered how I'll react when I hear of each one's passing (parents and (ex)step-parents). I don't wish ill will on any of them. And I know their death doesn't really "fix" anything for me. But just the fear of crossing paths with one of them unintentionally...because it's a small world...and coincidences happen...that scares me sometimes.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Mallaky and @DogwoodTree Aside from my grandfather who gave me the "gift" I really didn't feel anything when they died. I was told I would feel guilty for not being in contact. It didn't happen. My main csa abuser is still alive, and my only living "family" that hasn't died. but in my mind he is is not family at all. So I understand the fear of crossing paths. Death does help in the regard that you know they can't ever hurt you again.

 

[DogwoodTree]

"You just don't know how good you have it, think of all the kids who have it worse."

Oh yes, I got that one. And there seemed to be such a sense of desperation to keep the family ticking along in stability...I knew that if I reported, I would be held "responsible" for everything falling apart, and whatever happened as a result. And I was, once I did report it.

New question to add to my OP: Did anyone else know about it?

I reached out to three adults...people who should've responded...who were legally obligated to do so...and didn't. So, that just reinforced for me that I was crazy and not worth protecting, and should shut up about it all already and move on and pretend everything was okay.

What is relationship with your like with your family today?

I've gone no-contact with 3 of the 4 parental figures. The 4th one, I'm really trying to work things out. It's a long story, but DH and I have decided it's worth the effort for multiple reasons. My sisters...I'm still in contact with all of them, but not close to any of them. In the past couple of years, I've pulled away from them more, and stopped pretending that we're "so close" because I always felt like it was such a pretense anyway. I never felt truly close to any of them, just tried to convince myself that we were close, but I was always acting and never let them see anything real about me. They've been asking for more contact, saying they miss "how close we were." But it seems like there's no space in my family for me to have any real problems...if I have a problem I'm supposed to fix myself and get on with it already. It's a very typical ACOA pattern (my grandfather was an alcoholic)...that the family is supposed to look really good...all the time.

 

[Mallaky]

Did anyone else know about it?

No. They all thought I was so, so lucky I had that sweet old lady taking care of me. When I started talking after she died, those who knew did not believe me. Me talking about my family was the last conversation I have had with two people I considered my best friends. God, I am so happy all this is soon a decade behind me. Memories of a very different me and a very different life.

 

[Powder]

I don't know the answer in my case. I know I was threatened by my mother and was told I'd be responsible for the fallout and losing contact with siblings.

Like above, ACOA, we were all tasked with making the family look good. Father owned a business we all depended upon for a living. That was always a pressure point. We'd all starve if we ever talked, etc.

Once, my younger sister just started talking to the neighbor, and the threats became very real, very fast.

So, I'm sure she "knew" in some way, but she always blamed us, not him. We were "evil." Not him. Maybe she thinks he can't help being a sadist.