Difficulties With Sex...

[Only 1 of me]

Yep - I can relate to this. I'm single now and have been so for four years. I have tried to have relationships, and have enjoyed many aspects of relationships but they have inevitably failed as I have no interest (at best) or an active aversion to sex. I can go along with it in order to placate or please the other person but its just not something I'm going to enjoy or crave. It makes me feel deeply lonely as I feel like I'm going to be on my own for ever. I feel really sad that I most likely won't have children and I feel excluded from 'normal' society. My friends are all happily or unhappily married and most are onto their second or third kid. I'm still on my own. The good thing is that I now have this diagnosis of ptsd and I'm getting treatment so maybe things can change. That's what I'm hanging onto at the moment.

 

['B']

he needs sex, which men do, that's just part of their make-up.

Such a statement is ill informed, highly sexist and rather insulting. I'm a male and don't need sex.

I long for care and affection but since I was sexually assaulted anything coming close to that is difficult to say the least. I will talk about my experiences in the hope of understanding and acceptance from others but don't expect it. I refuse to capitulate to the wants of others. I take the time to consider the feelings and desires of others and believe I deserve the same. If those close to me are not able to do that then I believe they don't have my best interests at heart.

I don't work towards a "normal" relationship but simply a happy one with the person I'm with.

 

[Philippa]

Well, that's your opinion. You may be the exception. I don't think it is sexist to state fact for most men though.

I wasn't saying it to be insulting, if that's how you took it, women need sex too by the way. Sex is a healthy thing after all, so it's not an insult and if you take it as one then perhaps it is your own distortions talking because I did not mean it in a way that is insulting and I don't begrudge men for wanting sex, or only sex. Many women just want sex as well. There is nothing wrong with it. We are sexual beings after all, and human animals if you want to get right down to it. If we didn't need sex we wouldn't be here.

Given the rampant sex trade that goes on, with mainly married men as patrons, I'd say that you may want to rethink your assertion. Obviously people who have had some kind of sexual assault occur in their lives will not be as keen, and have difficulties with sex in general, but for others who have not experienced sexual assault, it is not the case.

I work in the massage industry, and believe me, I see a LOT of males who come in wanting sex, and who want to pay for it rather than meet someone in the traditional way and give a damn about their feelings. Most of them are married by the way.

If you say you don't need sex at all, then you are either asexual or still dealing with issues from your assault, because we all need sex, even if past abuses prevent us from actually having sex. Sex is healthy. That doesn't mean that you don't appreciate women for other things, but sex is a part of any natural, healthy relationship. To say it isn't is ill informed.

I've been through times where I have not wanted or needed sex, but that was not for the majority of my life, and I think most people who have taken a break from sex would say the same. Eventually every person wants or needs sex, at some point. How is that sexist? It's in our make up as humans to need sex and physical closeness, intimacy etc. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[orangecat]

I can completely relate to this. I didn't have any symptoms of PTSD until I entered my first relationship and started to have sexual relations. I didn't know what was wrong or what was going on and my inability to not become anxious from sex unfortunately led to to downfall of the relationship.

Today, I am rather scared of entering another relationship because although everyone up front says 'they understand', a few months down the road that understanding is gone. I have a complete disconnect between my mind and bodily needs. When I begin having sex I tend to dissociate and I cannot, how do I say, "produce the goods" as a result of touch from another - only I can get myself to climax. It is very frustrating in the fact that the other person feels like they are not good enough, etc when that is not the case.

Luckily through therapy (EMDR specifically) I've made some gains in this area but EMDR can only do so much as actually being in the situation is different than imagining. I'm still looking for ways, and more patient individuals, that can help me to connect with my body and feel safe.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

'B' and Philipaa,

Please remember to respect each other's opinions.

 

[Mayday]

When I begin having sex I tend to dissociate and I cannot, how do I say, "produce the goods" as a result of touch from another - only I can get myself to climax

I can relate to this. I want to say more, but it is too difficult.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey,

Good to see I'm not alone in this, but that happens rather often on this forum :) Although I have never been sexually molested in anyway, the physical abuse I went through for like fifteen years left some scars on me... especially in the bedroom. In fact, my last boyfriend broke up with me because of that! (lame). I'm able to want sex and enjoy it, but only in a way that makes me feel completely safe (and unexploited!). Of the men I have dated, some didn't quite understand this. On the other side, it is really difficult to talk to them about it! The shame I experience on having to admit I have issues in bed -to someone who can't even imagine having issues with it -is excruciating.

Bottom line is I must always have sex in the same position (under!) and I will never, ever try anything new, let alone the "positions" enthousiastic bedpartners frequently suggest. Being under someone, I feel somewhat hidden. It's better that way: on top I would find myself too exposed. I also don't like it too much when they see me entirely naked, even if I honestly believe there is nothing wrong with the way I look. It just doesn't feel safe. Well, I really hate this problem and I haven't the faintest on how I should deal with it. As soon as guys discover that you are afraid of good sex, they seem to shy away. I have been considering EMDR, maybe that will help...?

PD: Orangecat and Mayday: quote is very recognizable as well...