Difficulty integrating into society

[Littlesoul]

Not sure if this is a question or just needing to discuss my difficulties- (also not sure I'm in the right thread- apologies if not!)

I have found that even though I have fully exited abuse, I'm no longer being trafficked or neglected or being in danger on a daily basis. I've been so for over a year now (after a lifetime of the above), I've only recently reached more stability financially and in other ways. Even though I have done these things I still find myself existing most comfortably in spaces where cruelty and pain are given and taken consensually. I don't find this space inherently bad- only that for me it was always something I used to relive my childhood trauma and the only perspective of love I had ever been given. I no longer have a desire to be in pain, to suffer, not in the way I did before. I long for it but know I would never ever want that again. And so- I feel it is time for me to exit those spaces- to once again release myself from my past.

The problem is, I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to interact with people who aren't a part of those spaces- I'm not sure- like I can and do- but I don't know how to make friends or develop relationships- I guess- I'm having a hard time integrating into society. It feels like the extent of my experience in spaces without pain is only for the benefit of others (and the life of suffering aswell), to not show what I've gone through- to get through it (which is how I perceive most social situations). I often just want to live in my own little world and be a hermit and not ever have to worry about who could possibly hurt me next. But I am lonely- I suppose I've always been- I want to change and I want to be that person who has great friends and lasting authentic relationships. But I'm avoidant and anxious, I'm a recluse and I see most everything people do as a threat to my safety. I want it to stop- but I haven't been shown much proof that people can be truly safe. So I also don't know why i should even try- I'm not normal enough or stable enough or have enough money or energy to keep up with people. I know the answer is probably time and patience.. but I just hate being like this, so incredibly anxious and afraid- even though I know I'm an adult- I know I can protect myself now- it never feels enough. I don't think I could handle being hurt in the ways I was again. I'm not sure- it just- is so difficult- and I wish it could go away- but this fear is also somehow the only thing that allows me to feel truly safe. I'm tired, and I'm itching to live for the first time free in my life. And we have so much contradiction within us. I feel like my experiences have so disconnected me from regular society I don't know how to live without it. And I want to know how to live without it. But I also want to rest, to heal, to be at peace. I am so constantly afraid or triggered and I am tired.

 

[Littlesoul]

It sometimes feels like my anxiety spins me round in circles till I just feel confused and far away from everything and everyone

 

[Nixx]

I absolutely get this. I only spent 6 months locked up and abused ( i cant even imagine emerging after years in an environment like that) and it was 1 minute i have no clue how long im going to continue this, and then in the span of a few hours Im back in my home, laying wide awake in my bed unable to sleep because im sure im gonna wake up back in lockup. I couldnt relate to my old friend group at school, i felt like some reptillian thing walking around other humans, like i didnt belong. It took at least 2 or 3 years for the feeling to fade from and every day feeling to much more sporadic episodes. I felt constantly irritated, frustrated over the tiniest things going wrong, but dreading loosing control over it.

 

[Littlesoul]

I absolutely get this. I only spent 6 months locked up and abused ( i cant even imagine emerging after years in an environment like that) and it was 1 minute i have no clue how long im going to continue this, and then in the span of a few hours Im back in my home, laying wide awake in my bed unable to sleep because im sure im gonna wake up back in lockup. I couldnt relate to my old friend group at school, i felt like some reptillian thing walking around other humans, like i didnt belong. It took at least 2 or 3 years for the feeling to fade from and every day feeling to much more sporadic episodes. I felt constantly irritated, frustrated over the tiniest things going wrong, but dreading loosing control over it.

I so relate to the reptilian comment- I often describe myself as an alien and feel like I'm in a video game- things feel so unreal and I feel so weird and wrong. Thank you for your words- I suppose that patience may really be the answer.

 

[Nixx]

I felt like I had to relearn how to be a social animal in a lot of ways, but thats hard when you find it difficult to relate to everyone else who hasn't seen shit. I had to relearn not to panic and breakdown when an adult wanted to correct me about something, that constructive critisim isnt a threat on my life or safety. That being assertive isn't an automatic death sentence. That hiding a mistake is not gonna keep me safe, owning up to stuff USUALLY isnt the end of the world. That most people will believe you when you tell them something. And none of these things are completly fixed in me by a long shot, but i wouldn't be here if I didn't at least learn to adapt in someway.

 

[Friday]

The problem is, I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to interact with people who aren't a part of those spaces- I'm not sure- like I can and do- but I don't know how to make friends or develop relationships- I guess- I'm having a hard time integrating into society.

The most difficult thing, in my experience, is the black and white nature of my own mind.

When I’m in this little niche? It’s us & them. This & that. Me/Us & Everyone Else.

Which, when I’m IN that niche? Is relatively true. Even mostly, if not completely true.

But?

Stepping outside that niche… there IS NO “NORMAL”. The everyone else, them, society, etc.? Is made up of thoooooousands of niches, both large and small.

The best way to guarantee I fail, at the whole integrating into society thing? Is continuing to see it as a whole, as one thing, as the “other thing” (singular), because it isn’t. So it’s an impossible task to attempt to fit into all of it/them. I can try. I have tried. And all that creates is discordance, feeling set apart, masking, not fitting in, jarring unhappiness, strangeness.

So my little extremist ass started targeting other extremist niches, and the penny in the air finally dropped. Oh. Right. People live differently. Even if they’re under this great big ole homogenous umbrella, (like the suburbs, or university, or whatever) the only people attempting to BE the umbrella don’t get that. Pick any great big giant swath of society, and you’ll find dozens and dozens of subgroups & subcultures within it.

My own personal “happy place” is usually amongst travelers of various ilks. From circus to state department. Touring musicians to military. Romani to refugees to roughnecks. (And those are all wildly different niches.). Where I find “my people” are amongst those who run towards trouble instead of away from it. Police, paramedics, the generally mad who do what they do regardless of the predictably of it. (And one finds all of those, regardless of what slice of society one is in. Pick the most criminal of criminal groups? You’ll find those who police the members of it, and who fix what’s broken. No state seal/stamp of approval needed. Both (running towards trouble instead of away & helping people who are hurt) are necessary positions in ANY human grouping (from gangs to government). Ditto the most cleanest of clean CVs/backgrounds. Certain personalities? Just “fit” certain positions. White collar or black market. Person is the same. Values & skills the same. Preferences the same. The only difference? Who they work for / where they started.

It took me a looooooooooooooooooooooong time to really parse where I fit in, in “society”. Because a) there are scores and scores of places/niches I do fit in & b) because I cam from such an extremist niche that I white washed society as a singular thing. Something “everyone else” did.

So what helped me the most, was the least obvious. Instead of trying to be “normal” (which isn’t really a thing), I leaned into what made me, me. What I liked. What I loved. What I desired. Across as many platforms as possible. Which lead me to the places I really could belong. Achieving both personality/preference AND “normal” (still not a thing).

 

[Trid]

Not sure if this is a question or just needing to discuss my difficulties- (also not sure I'm in the right thread- apologies if not!)

I have found that even though I have fully exited abuse, I'm no longer being trafficked or neglected or being in danger on a daily basis. I've been so for over a year now (after a lifetime of the above), I've only recently reached more stability financially and in other ways. Even though I have done these things I still find myself existing most comfortably in spaces where cruelty and pain are given and taken consensually. I don't find this space inherently bad- only that for me it was always something I used to relive my childhood trauma and the only perspective of love I had ever been given. I no longer have a desire to be in pain, to suffer, not in the way I did before. I long for it but know I would never ever want that again. And so- I feel it is time for me to exit those spaces- to once again release myself from my past.

The problem is, I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to interact with people who aren't a part of those spaces- I'm not sure- like I can and do- but I don't know how to make friends or develop relationships- I guess- I'm having a hard time integrating into society. It feels like the extent of my experience in spaces without pain is only for the benefit of others (and the life of suffering aswell), to not show what I've gone through- to get through it (which is how I perceive most social situations). I often just want to live in my own little world and be a hermit and not ever have to worry about who could possibly hurt me next. But I am lonely- I suppose I've always been- I want to change and I want to be that person who has great friends and lasting authentic relationships. But I'm avoidant and anxious, I'm a recluse and I see most everything people do as a threat to my safety. I want it to stop- but I haven't been shown much proof that people can be truly safe. So I also don't know why i should even try- I'm not normal enough or stable enough or have enough money or energy to keep up with people. I know the answer is probably time and patience.. but I just hate being like this, so incredibly anxious and afraid- even though I know I'm an adult- I know I can protect myself now- it never feels enough. I don't think I could handle being hurt in the ways I was again. I'm not sure- it just- is so difficult- and I wish it could go away- but this fear is also somehow the only thing that allows me to feel truly safe. I'm tired, and I'm itching to live for the first time free in my life. And we have so much contradiction within us. I feel like my experiences have so disconnected me from regular society I don't know how to live without it. And I want to know how to live without it. But I also want to rest, to heal, to be at peace. I am so constantly afraid or triggered and I am tired.

100%. Hard

 

[Ecdysis]

I wonder whether a good place to start would be going to things like self-help groups for trauma and similar things. They're mostly safe spaces and the people there "get it" and know what's it's like to have baggage and not to fit into society "neatly"".

 

[arfie]

full empathy, littlesoul. i have lived independently of daily abuse since i joined the army in 1973 and still don't know what this society biz is, much less how to fit in. the harder i try to fit in, the more alien i feel. excuse me while i slither off into the sunset. studying sociology only confused me further, but at least the studies allowed me to go places where nobody **expected** me to fit in. being marginalized for the color of my skin and/or my funny accent made more sense to me than the masked and obscure values which alienated me from the society i was born into.

sigh. . . here in my senior years, i'm just letting my freak flag fly. take it or leave it.

as for my continued attraction to my own culture's underbelly, insert folk adage here. "ya dance with what brung ya." i is what i is and i ain't what i ain't. let's make some trash art.

 

[Starfish]

It sometimes feels like my anxiety spins me round in circles till I just feel confused and far away from everything and everyone

I relate to your anxiety and confusion experience as well as your feeling far away from everyone 100%! Though I have had different life experiences than you. I continue daily to use tools to aid in making it through the day , counting each effort (though un-seen by those I pass by, as some progress. Some days or moments I need to check out and that's ok....I just need to keep getting back on the saddle. I realize it is an invisible experience to others, just my own unique experience. And for some reason that's just how it is. It's all about my perceptions so I look for a moments I can perceive things differently. I am here until I die and that's how it is. So I got to find ways to be here a little more comfortably. It's working but man oh man it usually seems like one step forward and five steps back! I fully realize that this forum is all about us all hanging in together. Thanks for being here and sharing.

 

[Beryl]

Not sure if this is a question or just needing to discuss my difficulties- (also not sure I'm in the right thread- apologies if not!)

I have found that even though I have fully exited abuse, I'm no longer being trafficked or neglected or being in danger on a daily basis. I've been so for over a year now (after a lifetime of the above), I've only recently reached more stability financially and in other ways. Even though I have done these things I still find myself existing most comfortably in spaces where cruelty and pain are given and taken consensually. I don't find this space inherently bad- only that for me it was always something I used to relive my childhood trauma and the only perspective of love I had ever been given. I no longer have a desire to be in pain, to suffer, not in the way I did before. I long for it but know I would never ever want that again. And so- I feel it is time for me to exit those spaces- to once again release myself from my past.

The problem is, I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to interact with people who aren't a part of those spaces- I'm not sure- like I can and do- but I don't know how to make friends or develop relationships- I guess- I'm having a hard time integrating into society. It feels like the extent of my experience in spaces without pain is only for the benefit of others (and the life of suffering aswell), to not show what I've gone through- to get through it (which is how I perceive most social situations). I often just want to live in my own little world and be a hermit and not ever have to worry about who could possibly hurt me next. But I am lonely- I suppose I've always been- I want to change and I want to be that person who has great friends and lasting authentic relationships. But I'm avoidant and anxious, I'm a recluse and I see most everything people do as a threat to my safety. I want it to stop- but I haven't been shown much proof that people can be truly safe. So I also don't know why i should even try- I'm not normal enough or stable enough or have enough money or energy to keep up with people. I know the answer is probably time and patience.. but I just hate being like this, so incredibly anxious and afraid- even though I know I'm an adult- I know I can protect myself now- it never feels enough. I don't think I could handle being hurt in the ways I was again. I'm not sure- it just- is so difficult- and I wish it could go away- but this fear is also somehow the only thing that allows me to feel truly safe. I'm tired, and I'm itching to live for the first time free in my life. And we have so much contradiction within us. I feel like my experiences have so disconnected me from regular society I don't know how to live without it. And I want to know how to live without it. But I also want to rest, to heal, to be at peace. I am so constantly afraid or triggered and I am tired.

I had a lot of identification with what you said.
It sounds like you are having a tough time.
I kept repeating unhealthy relationship patterns, until I leant how to be less punitive and work on having compassion for myself
I read a fantastic book by Pete Walker called "From Surviving to Thriving' it contains advice on how to begin the healing process.
I have also joined groups. There are thousands, no tens of thousands, if not more, people like us, who are supporting each other to heal.
I googled CPTSD support groups in my local area and although it took me several attempts to get to one, it felt liberating to be able to talk freely and not feel like an alien, with people who understand and do not judge
If a meet up group isn't for you yet, there are many online group meets too.
You are a normal person, you are just a normal person who is trying to deal with trauma alone and that is not easy
I am not surprised that you feel tired. It can be overwhelming and exhausting trying to deal with this stuff alone.
There is help out there and genuine people, who understand what it is like trying to live with trauma, who can support you.

 

[shimmerz]

No idea where you live, but if you have any in the area or available through virtual spaces, peer support is a great help for this.