Difficulty With Flashbacks, Work And Social Situations

[luckypink]

Hi Everyone,
In my last therapy session, (I have been twice) I was asked to keep a diary of the all the flashbacks I have had. I came away and experienced los of flashbacks and it made me feel really upset to think about writing them all down. All week, I have been avoiding making a note of them when they occur, but have wrote some of them down. Maybe I need to talk to the therapist about this.

PTSD is so tiring, I feel like crying. I had a bad day at work and someone was really rude to me on the phone. A customer at work today said I knew nothing about life and couldn't do because I sounded young.
Sometimes I feel like writing things here, and then I go to type and I just cannot write. Sometmes I feel younger than and am, and sometimes I feel older. I feel like I have shut down a lot of my emotions, and I feel I don't respond in 'normal' ways to things. I tend to tolerate a lot of things that others would get really angry about.

I experienced sexual abuse as a child in my family home, which has never been acknowledged by my parents. I haven't seen the person who done it for seven years, and it is not spoken about by my parents, who I believe still see him.

I feel upset today. I feel 'abnormal' and have always isolated myself from others. For example, at work, I try to do my job well and I talk to my colleagues about the work we do, but I am very quiet and other people have said things about it. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to talk at all and I could go somewhere where I would never have to communicate with people. I avoid getting close to people at work, and am terrified of for example, going to lunch with a colleague, because I feel like they can already see through me and I hate answering questions about myself.

If people ask about my family at work, it makes me feel ill, even if I overhear someone talking about their family, I come out in rashes around my neck and feel I am dying. Just talking, makes me come out in rashes, and I am certain that my colleagues notice, and I have barely said the odd word in many many team meetings. I am sorry to go on, got to sign off now as have got really upset.

My thoughts are with you all,
Take Care,

Lucky Pink.

 

[BethRSA]

Lucky Pink!

Hang in there! I'm sorry that you feel there is no one there for you. Your parents knew about the abuse and they still may see the perpetrator.

Therapy is really hard work. Be good to yourself while you're going through this.

We are here for you. :Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[luckypink]

Emdr

Dear Beth,

Thankyou for your message. I will hand in there, I have taken a deep breath, and am ok now. Hope that you are ok too. Take good care,

Have a good day.
:Hug_emoticon:

Lucky Pink.

 

[cynelena]

Welcome Lucky Pink! You are in the right place for support. You do not have to go it alone anymore.:Hug_emoticon:

Cynthia

 

[luckypink]

Thankyou

Dear Cynthia,
Thankyou so much for your kind words of support. Its so comforting knowing that other people care and know what it is like, but I wish we weren't all living with it. I hope that you are having a good day.

Lots of good wishes to you:Hug_emoticon:

Take Care,

Lucky Pink.

 

[tryintobreathe]

LuckyPink,

I understand so much of what you are feeling. I had a similar experience as a child and it was never acknowleged. As I was reading your post, it was like I could have been the person typing it!
{{{hugs}}}
Jen

 

[Healing Survivor]

LP-OMG I could have written that post! I just wanted to tell you thanks for posting that so beautifully, it really helps me to know others understand how I feel, too. If I think of anything else poignant to say, I'll get back with you. ;) Take care!

 

[a3a2]

Lucky Pink,

I too, felt as though I could have written most of your letter. I always used to feel as though people could see right through me, all my fears, etc. Therapy helped a lot, and writing down the flashbacks (as much as I hated doing it) helped me to process them and put them away. For me, it got easier, but it was rough to start the healing process. I wish you well as you begin the journey.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Lucky Pink :hello:,
I like your name.

Perhaps you have to let yourself feel bad, angry, sad, etc, whatever you feel, when you are writing down these flashbacks, or thinking about them, or talking to your T.

It's ok to feel 'negative emotions', and no one will judge you. If they do, well, they don't understand. You have to heal, irregardless, and you will. Things will get better and you will get stronger.

And it's ok to recognize where your parents should have intervened, and didn't. You are not betraying them, to recognize that.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet. You are 'just right', as you are.
And anyone would feel badly, berated by a rude customer. -Sounds like she was envious you are 'young'.. 'Young' is a 'good thing'! :smile:

-Hugs to you :Hug_emoticon:

 

[kers]

Welcome, Lucky Pink. Tonight I feel how tiring the PTSD is, too. It adds such an emotional weight to everything. Have you read Anthony's description of the "PTSD cup"? It helped me visualize how PTSD is stressing my mind and body from a baseline, which is why other relatively minor things set me off big time.

 

[luckypink]

Flashbacks, Isolation and Therapy.

Hi Everyone:hello:,

Thankyou all so much for your kind words, and for replying to my post. I hope that you are all safe and well. I am sorry I haven't had the chance to reply to you all, I have had a busy week.

PTSD is a hard condition to live with and you never know when it is going to intrude. It upset me when I read here it wasn't curable, as I like to think there is hope, and someone mentioned that PTSD is a biological/Physiological change in the brain.

I have seen my therapist his week, and one of the pieces of work we are doing are to focus on Anchors-things to ground yourself, things that help me are looking at my plants and wearing my dressing gown, as I feel more safe in it. I am gave comfprt from hugging cushions and wearing nice slippers! One of the other things my therapist is teaching me to focus on is, happier memories and remembering the feelings associated with it, and also images of success, or when something has gone well that I've done, and to bring these things to mind when I am having a flashback and grounding yourself my pressing on certain part of your body, like your arms and saying 'this is me'!

I am finding that I am getting flashbacks in the therapy (which my Friend said I need to talk to my therapist about), and sometimes I am lost for words and cannot answer her questions because I am seeing images in front of me, or out of the corners of my eyes. Often I end up saying yes or no to a question that she asks, and then after think, what have I just said! I talked about a flashback I have, and a reenactment of it that I do that happens due to it, and she asked me whether I have physical sensations, and I said no straight away, because I just could not put the physical sensations into words, and it is so hard to verbalise.


I am beginning to feel really guilty and bad about the way I treat people, because I feel that other people eg work colleagues must think I am aloof and not very sociable (I try to talk to people, but I think they sense that I maintain a distance from them, which I do). I feel like 'other people hate me, and if they knew about my history eg, past sexual abuse, they would hate me even more. I think I believe I am safer if I keep away from people, and that I must keep away from them and they must keep away from me. I think its about feeling they would hate me, or not believe me, or would condemn me if they knew about my history. Its like I feel Im bad and must hide away.

When my Mother found out about the abuse when I was 12, she told me that I 'must have been flaunting myself in a nightie'. I wasn't wearing one, and wasn't a child that eve did the above in any shape or form. Perhaps she was trying to find a reason to explain it happening. I was so outraged at the time that she could even suggest this that I told her what I was wearing when it happened, and walked out of the room!

Maybe needed to keep away from others is because I feel they would blame me to, amd question whether it happened to me, but I know suddenly I am beginning to feel quite sad that I detach myself and isolate myself from others, and may see me as difficult and a loner, or unfriendly, and I want to try to improve things and be more friendly, but at the same time I still think Im bad and I have to keep the 'real me' away from people, its just too unsafe!

Sorry to go on.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend,
Take good care:Hug_emoticon:

Lucky Pink.

 

[luckypink]

:hello:Dear Kers,

Thankyou for your reply. Yes I have red Anthony's baseline, 'cup' it really makes sense why he overreact to things, because our bodies are now wired that way. I wish I could unwire my brain!:crazy:
Hope that you are having a good day.

((Hugs to you))))

Lucky Pink.