Difficulty With Husband's Choices Triggering Me

[lostwithoutmason]

I'm sorry I haven't done an introduction but I am in a desperate situation and my time is very limited. I'm glad I found this board and appreciate that it contains both sufferers and carers.

My dilema. I have been diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. I also have Major Chronic Depression, Bi Polar and ADD. The PTSD began 3 years ago when I found my 22 month old son floating in our friend's pool, while staying there overnight. He snuck out in the morning while we were asleep and I found him under a huge float. I constantly picture him floating no matter what I am looking at when looking down, even if it's grass. I have nightmares when I have triggers around me and my anxiety level becomes extreme. I am on many meds and I was beginning to find myself on a good healing path when I made some changes in my life. Unformtunately, my husband doesn't believe in mental illness and is clueless about PTSD no matter how many links and deep conversations we have about what I see and feel. My husband was there that morning as well and he was the one who did CPR so I know his grief and his images must both him but he is a person who holds it all in. I told him he needs to get help to let it out.

Anyway, that's the background. There are many in-betweens but my desperation right now is that I feel my husband has abandoned me for his friend (who's house my son drowned at). He is visiting his this week and as he says (Nothing will stop him because I did once before and he doesn't want to give in anymore when he wants to do things for himself). I have a complete phobia about that house and pool, I have extreme anger due to mnay surrounding things with my son's accident there. I hate that place. We are in another state now since the day he went into the pool we were due to move away. This is the 1st trip back for him and I am SO angry that he is going. It's for a fantasy football draft, I believe his friend's Birthday Party and just to hang out. My PTSD hugely involves that house. How can he go back there?

He says he is fine and it's him going not me. I feel since I feel trapped there by that pool that it does effect me. I have been freaking out since he bought the ticket over a month ago and I am quickly going down hill. He is setting off a HUGE trigger and it's getting worse as the day comes (Thursday morning). I am so scared of my thoughts while he is gone. I picture him there and it makes me sick. Even his friend calling makes me literally ill. I am going crazy to the point where I am up all night till he leaves for work, then I sleep all day. I get nothing done. I constantly beg and cry for him not to hurt me and not to go. He will not cave at all and I am angry with him, my trust is gone, I feel abandoned, misunderstood and alone. I am in so much pain. I finally told him if he goes I am leaving him because he doesn't care about hurting and triggering me and how can I trust someone like that. He also knows I have NO support at all.

Sorry for the length but am I being out of control here. I feel like the negativity of that house is forever lasting. I pulled my baby from that pool and felt like his soul left him while in my arms. I hate it. I miss my son so much. Why can't my husband understand my pain and the emotions of him being at that house is causing me?

What has been scaring me is I have felt so desperate because I feel like no one understands what PTSD is and what it is doing to me, that I need to show them. I have more resentment towards the friend for wanting him to go there. I told my husband out of that desperation that I was going to drive there (26 hours or so) and become completely obliviated and wanting his friend to find ME floating when he walks out of the house in the morning. Then he will know that it is not a joke and I really was suffering. They both say this is just a silly little 4 day trip that I am making a big deal out of nothing since I won't be there.

I hate these flip flop emotions. I love my husband and this is so hard to accept. I'm at a loss!!!!!

Sorry if this makes no sense, I am typing quickly with a confused mind and clenched teeth. I can't take the pain anymore. Has anyone been forced to deal with a trigger you couldn't avoid because your loved one was the one forcing it upon you? Am I over reacting here? Any advice?

Thanks in advance.
KD~ Lost & Hurt......:dontknow:

 

[Mina]

Welcome to the forum, KD. I am very sorry for the loss of your son...I cannot imagine how difficult that must be.

I can understand that you are upset at the thought of the house, pool, etc. However, to be perfectly honest, I believe you are over-reacting and projecting your own feelings onto your husband, and expecting he "should" react a certain way because you do. From what you've written, it sounds as though you are expecting him to feel the same way you do, to react the same way you do, and to acquiese to your triggers. These are YOUR feelings, YOUR reactions, and YOUR triggers...not his. You are the one avoiding the friend, house, pool, etc...not him. You have PTSD, you have avoidance issues, and he does not necessarily have these. Everyone deals with things differently. You cannot expect him to react to this the same way you do.

This may sound harsh, but your threat to leave him if he goes to visit this friend sounds manipulative to me. You are essentially punishing him for dealing with your son's death differently than you do, and expecting him to avoid this place, like you do. Your threat is based on your expectation that he should live according to your triggers and your avoidances, both big parts of your PTSD.

Question...are you currently in therapy, working with someone who treats or specializes in PTSD? If not, finding a therapist to help you work through the time leading up to and during his trip may be a very good idea. Professional support can make a huge difference, especially when you're going through such a difficult, triggering time.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I too want to give my condolences for the loss of your son.... That is something no parent should ever have to go through.....

I also agree with Mina........You are asking your husband to feel what you feel. Think what you think, and to not move forward in his grieving, and in his ways of dealing with this....We all grieve, and we all grieve in different ways.

You will probably think I am harsh too... I think that not only are you being manipulative, but selfish.......This trip may be very healing for your husband. It might be what he needs to finally grieve and to let go of whatever he needs to let go of, in order for him to move forward....

The house and the pool, may very well be triggers for you. I can't imagine the pain that you go through dealing with this. But, I also know that triggers can't and shouldn't be avoided... They need to be faced, and dealt with, in order to heal yourself....

I wish you well....

 

[pebbels]

KD, My heart goes out to you, i am so sorry for the loss of your son, i feel your devastation and pain. I can understand why you have reacted the way you have with your husband however i agree with what has already been said.

I wish you
all the best KD:Hug_emoticon: and peace.

Pebs

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I can not imagine what it must be like to lose a child so young and I am so truly sorry for your loss.

You and your husband are both trying to heal. Everyone heals in different ways. For him, it may be comforting to be around his friends - who were there and can offer support. For you, their house and pool are a huge trigger for you which you currently can't handle. Neither of you are wrong for how you are dealing with this tragedy. Both of you are handling it the absolute best you can. We all deserve to be respected in our feelings and needs. I know it must be difficult for you, but your husband is not going over there to hurt you, he is going over there to help himself.

I'm going to share something with you that might help you understand. My husband found his sister dead many years ago. (Suicide) I was the last person to talk to her and he ran (literally) to her house, only to be "too late". We were both absolutely devasted (not only was she my sister-in-law, she was my best friend). We both struggled for years - trying to deal with the loss (and normal guilt etc.) He absolutely would not discuss how he felt, what he saw, how he was doing with me. I was too close to the situation, I was feeling too much like him. Instead, he had one friend that he would talk to, literally spill his guts out too, and his friend never betrayed his trust by telling anyone (including me) what he said. He eventually was able to get better - and I know it was largely due to his friend's help.

This person may be the friend your husband needs - please try to remember that.

I will be thinking of you and truly hope you don't think any of us are being harsh - we are just trying to be as honest as possible.

 

[evergreen]

lostwithoutmason,

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your son. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to live with this.

I have to agree with everything stated already. I know it sucks. I know it would be wonderful to have someone there focused on your pain and your healing. Sadly, your husband is going through the same thing in his own way. I am sure he too feels the same feelings you are feeling toward him. He probably feels you don't care about HIS healing.

Please look into seeing a professional if you are not already. There are probably even support groups for dealing with the loss of a child in addition to any PTSD counseling you may obtain.

Also, be gentle on yourself. It is not uncommon for people to feel these things after losing a child.

Lots of love,Evergreen

 

[lostwithoutmason]

Thanks for the replies

Thanks for any thoughts. It's tough to explain details through posts because there are so many details that can't be explained. I think posting for help might have been a mistake for me since too many assumptions seemed to have been made but I appreciate the help anyway. My husband was not going to try and heal, he was going because his friend has been haunting him since the drowning to visit him. This time it was for Fantasy Football Draft and for his friend's Birthday. Well, My older son's birthday is the same as his and the party we planned before his trip was canceled due to rain. I ended up being put in the hospital and was released last night so my son had a party at grandma's with no mom or dad there. I told hubby booking the trip around his b-day could mess things up if there was changes but his friend wanted him there for his.

My husband doesn't share our loss with this friend because he knows his outlook on life is different. His life has been very given as our has been very taking. He enjoys his laughs though which hubby talks to him on the phone cause he says he needs to heal by laughing. I agree it helps him.

Well, this is the 3rd time this year he has gotten close again with this friend and now for the 3rd time I have been left. Hubby let me know after the hospital that life would be better without me. The day before he came in for family mediation and said that he really wanted couples counseling and we could get through it. Then the next night (I know he conversed with his friend) he decided he doesn't need help and has no time for counseling. He can be happier without me burdening him. Which I have only asked that he be by my side.

Good Luck to you all but I think I'll continue face to face conversations than online. Assumptions from others can lead to bad feelings. Some parts may be on point and I can accept that but it sucks that I happen to be on my last leg when I came on here and thankfully I kept thinking of my older son and went to get help. Maybe it helped though because I was sent to a decent hospital and found many others who understand and have helped me move forward.

Peace & Blessings to all of you!

 

[becvan]

If someone has made assumptions, the best policy is to clear up what they may have assumed. We all know that the internet has it's limitations. It's just something we all have to work with. Fact of the matter is, that each person that previously posted did so with the intentions of helping YOU heal. Perhaps you should take that into consideration.

I'm sorry to hear that your hubby is being.. well a jerk. I hope that you are doing a bit better now (assuming here) that you are out of the hospital.

Take care.

bec

 

[Deleted member 541]

I am a PTSD sufferer, and I will say this. When I have a flare, my symptoms sky rocket, I become depressed, suicidal, I withdraw, I isolate, or I am just plain down in the dumps. When I get like this, I am not the kind of person that a happy, healthy person would want to spend time with, and I wouldn't expect them to either.....In my opinion that would be a selfish act for me or anyone to do.....

I can understand that you would want your husband around, but, have you considered the fact that you might not be the best company for him at this time???? I don't mean anything bad by this either, just knowing how I can be, I wouldn't want to impose myself on anyone else when I am in this kind of a mode.....

I truly hope that you get the help that you need. Our philosophy here is when it comes to healing, is one of truth, facing it, walking through it, dealing with it, no matter HOW hard that is. When it comes to healing we offer empathy, but the work that has to be done is up to the sufferer....

The loss of your son was a very tragic and awful thing for you to endure. I believe that all of us here, hear your pain, and wish that we could change what you have gone through....If it was possible, we would.....

I wish you well, and hope that one day, you can face your trauma and walk through it.....

 

[clare]

Dear lost,

I wish I had responded to you site sooner, but I found the post and responses too much to comment on. Some situations are very difficult to translate for online. Face to face would be best and as I'm in your area check the support groups posts-I posted an email with the hope of getting a group started near Boston. Also check into REACH-a very good resource for woman in eastern MA (don't let the Domestic Violence focus scare you away, many woman go to a REACH group for relationship counseling when they believe they are being abused psychologically-if you feel you are.)

clare