Discerning Truth

[watundah]

I get snippets of memories and wonder what they are. Glimpses, flashes. Lying in dead leaves. Sitting on the edge of my parents' bed. Always alone but strange feelings associated with them. I understand something may have been happening while I was dissociating. Or not.

This week the word "mental institution" popped into my head. I have never been institutionalized but I had a severe phobia as a child and it wouldn't surprise me if my parents had threatened me with this to get me to "straighten up"! Or are they simply a couple of random words that came out of my subconscious mind after a funky dream. It's so frustrating that our selective memories hide and change the truth. How do we know what's real???

 

[JackRJN]

There is no trick to validate your own memories without external information. I have a recurrent memory of being kidnappapped when I was 4 and wrestling free and running home. I'm pretty sure this really happened, but I have another memory that presents itself in the exact same way in my head of which I'm less sure. But in the end I don't know. I didn't tell anyone at the time and while I've given it a lot of thought, I cannot find any evidence corroborating either event, so there's nothing I can do.

 

[watundah]

That's the crux of it. We continue on holding mystery versus memory.

 

[sun seeker]

How do we know what's real???

By paying attention to what our bodies are doing when the memories come up. It still takes some work to sort out, but memory is held in the body. Have you read "The Body Keeps the Score"? I actually haven't, but have a friend who keeps raving about it. There might be something helpful in there, I don't know.

If you work with a good trauma therapist well versed in somatic experiencing, they should be able to help sort out fact from fiction.

 

[Nicci777]

I have physical flashbacks.. Like when I hug my father or he looks at me I feel dirty. Same with my mother...I guess flashbacks can be felt in different ways. I used to hear foot steps creaking on the floor, walking up to my bed for years, was scared I was going to die at night and someone was going to kill me or rape me when I was younger every night. When I think abuse sex abuse I involuntary get aroused and feel dirty like someone is hurting me. These are the kind of flashbacks I have sometimes. It seems to me that your flashbacks are normal and indicate being hurt in some way? It's hard to know how much and how often isn't it? I mean if we disassociated a lot then how do we really know...
It's wierd how or minds still do that after traumas.. Guess it's a coping skill that we needed at the time. My therapist says it's healthy to allow my mind to escape for awhile bci need a break from the pain.. As long as it doesn't cause me to hurt myself etc, you know?

 

[Nicci777]

I also remember being forced to go for walks in the woods with my father..
Flashes of his pants down I think..
When I was just like 2-5 years old. He said he blacked out a lot and could have hurt me but doesnt know.. Ik he remembers hurting my little boy though which is why he will never be allowed to see him again..

 

[Nicci777]

@JackRJN
Kidnapped at 4? That's unbelievable and must be so hard to flash back to..
I assume you don't know who took you..?
I'm so sorry that happened.. I hate people who steal innocence. They don't care about how much pain they cause..

 

[watundah]

also remember being forced to go for walks in the woods with my father..
Flashes of his pants down I think..
When I was just like 2-5 years old.

Exact same thing here. Soooo long ago. And a whole lot of other fuzzy snips fly thru the brain from time to time.

The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent book and I am fortunate to have a good trauma therapist who is a certified SEP. But sometimes things fleet across the screen so briefly, the body doesnt have time to react. My brain just says " WTF was that?? "

 

[JackRJN]

@JackRJN
Kidnapped at 4? That's unbelievable and must be so hard to flash back to.....

I have no idea who he was. I always see some face when I think of it, but I think that is more a sort of generic evil face. I've never paid much attention to the memory until a couple of years ago, and now my reacts to it very intensely, but my mind doesn't give much detail so I have no,isea what happened.

 

[Nicci777]

Does anyone else know about this? I assume your parents knew..
What an awful thing not to know what happened..
I'm not sure either just flashes.. So I understand..: (

 

[JackRJN]

Does anyone else know about this? I assume your parents knew..
What an awful thing not to know what hap...

I didn't tell my parents, I was afraid they would blame me, although I don't know for what exactly.

 

[Nicci777]

I didn't tell my parents, I was afraid they would blame me

Oh I see..

Didn't anyone notice your were gone?

I have 4 children and can't imagine not knowing where one of them was or with whom. I would def ask questions and make sure it was reported.