How Can I Keep The Truth A Secret From Those Who Care About Me?

[Bedbug]

Solara, I think I disagree with just about everything you said.

You think that YOU would be the one hurting your parents. News flash----it was/is your abuser who is hurting your parents

Ok, they suffered too. They had to cope with a damaged child and later an awkward adult daughter.

and you're compounding it by keeping them in the dark.

Right now I can't deal with the heartache it would cause and I don't really see what good the truth would do them. Ok, they might then have an explanation for why I was/am the way I was/am, but they would also then have a whole lifetime of guilt to deal with. On top of that they would probably re-think my entire existence and everything about me. I would become "victim."

From everything you've said, your parents DO care but you're so set on being strong and independent of them that you're willing to shut them out.

They do care, I know that. But I don't want the kind of help and support I know they would offer if they were to find out what really happened. I also couldn't cope with the additional stress that telling them would bring. So, for the sake of my own health right now, I would rather they didn't know the whole truth. Is that so wrong?

Instead of healing TOGETHER you are just hurting them more.

No doubt my parents suffered through having me as a daughter, but they accepted with it and don't need to "heal." Perhaps they might like an explanation, but there is no healing to be done.

This will probably come out in the future and at that point they will be devastated.

Maybe. But, if I tell them now, then definitely.

It's understandable that a child doesn't tell, but you're an adult who is keeping a secret from parents who appear to genuinely care. Secrets drive people apart.

I love my parents. I'm not particularly close to them, but I do love them. I see my keeping this secret as protecting them from pain that they don't need to experience. I don't see how keeping it will drive us any further apart than we already are. If it comes out later, then I'll deal with it later. Hopefully I'll be stronger then and better able to help them cope with it.

Please don't think that one day you'll wake up and be ok and everything will revert to old times as they were before with your parents.

I am not hoping for things to "revert to old times" with my parents. I am hoping to keep things as they are.

But, you don't want comfort from your parents. You seem to want nothing, so why not be blunt and just tell them to eff off?

Because I don't want to to hurt them. As far as they know, I am suffering from depression ahad they are expressing love and concern and a desire to help. I don't want to be rude to them, but I don't want the help they would offer for my "depression" and I can't cope with telling them what is really wrong and having to deal with all that would entail, especially as I am fairly sure that they wouldn't be able to help me with that either.

Solara - although it looks like we will disagree on this, I still want to thank you for taking the time to reply to me. You have helped me to clarify my thoughts. Perhaps my approach is not one you would take, but I am pretty sure it is the right one for me. I just needed a bit of advice on how to politely tell my parents to give me some time and space and to trust that I am getting the help I need, albeit not from them. I think that's probably all I need to say.

 

[ill]

Not wanting to disclose deeply intimate, personal trauma is not always about secret-keeping. Sometimes it's about I've got enough on my goddamn plate already without wanting or needing to deal with someone else's feelings about my trauma, especially in the early days of trauma processing. Even if it was about secret-keeping, so what? We're entitled to our secrets (also sometimes referred to as privacy because, hey, different perceptions, needs and boundaries and that's okay) and just because people want to support us (on whose terms - theirs or ours?) doesn't mean that we're obligated to accept it. There's a whole world of possibilities between wanting to share every detail of our trauma with someone or telling them to eff off on out of our lives. And just because someone doesn't want to disclose their abuse to a third party doesn't mean that they're hurting themselves or that they're keeping the secret for their abuser. We each of us get to choose our boundaries and they're not wrong just because they wouldn't work for another.

Bedbug - You are allowed to set whatever boundaries you want and need. Boundaries are all about keeping yourself safe. If you need time and space from your parents while you process things, that is a-okay and perfectly understandable. If your husband doesn't want to act as messenger, it's his responsibility to tell you. But this fairness thing - by what/whose measure? Do what's right for you. If you need time and space while you deal with things, you can always tell them some variation of"I love you and I appreciate your care and concern. I want you to know that I am safe and I am going to be okay, but right now I need some time and space as I work through some personal issues/health problems/some things." Your boundaries are your boundaries and you are allowed to have them, whatever they may be. It's not you having boundaries that causes others pain - boundaries are about reducing pain, about taking care of yourself and respecting your wants and needs.

 

[Bedbug]

Ill - thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

:)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

YOU alone will be able to tell when the RIGHT time to tell your parents the gravity of what happened all those years ago. For me it was 35 years ago - for you it may be less I simply do not know.

When "YOU" feel the time is right "YOU" will understand and will make that decision for "YOU".

We all on here as sufferers of this disorder need to take the time to realise that there is a "ME" in TEAM" not just the fact that there is no "I".

Poignant or not, for "ME" the "TEAM" will help me through and not the "Look at Me's".

"I" am important now and "I" need to have space to recover on "MY" own.

This may help or not, "I" hope it does.

Massive Hugs XXXXXX Laurie

 

[BloomInWinter]

Bedbug, my words, like everyone's, are only suggestions and you may take what you like and leave the rest. There's truly no need to apologize or explain.

A simple statement to your parents should suffice if repeated often enough. "I know you love me, I know you are here for me, and if there is anything you could do, I promise I'll let you know. Please do not bring this up again." Or whatever works.

You seem to have your decisions well thought out. As a Mom, I feel the need to be needed. Is there anything your Mom does that helps you feel good? If so, how about just asking for more of that, whether it's cookies, or home cooked meals, or coupons for movies or spa. Put her to work and let her know it's appreciated, if from afar?

I can't relate to having parents who want to help, so please forgive me if I'm way off. That's just what I hope my kids would let me do if I couldn't help in other ways.

If you don't wish to reveal, don't. Please do remind yourself that you don't have the power to stop them from finding out through other means and it would not be your fault if they did. Nor should you divert much of your healing energy from getting better to trying to control other people, places, or things in the desire to keep the truth from them. That could backfire in compounding the suffering without meaning to.

Trust yourself.